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Original poster

Sharing custody

124 replies

LDA123 · 16/11/2022 08:12

Situation is husband and I separated earlier in year. 4 kids, I am the primary caregiver. He has them EOW only Friday to Sunday. I have no family in area so do all the childcare, clubs, running around etc.

He has been relying on his Mum to collect them on his Friday from after school club at 6pm. I booked the Friday to give him extra time to collect and we pay half each. He has 9-5.30 job in an office and I’m sure he probably could WFH once a fortnight if he really wanted to.

They have now told me that I have to collect them from after school club every fortnight, bring them home and get them ready to be collected.

Am I being unreasonable to expect them to do it? I feel it’s a bit unfair to expect me to do it.

I literally only have 2 kid free nights a fortnight and nice to keep that Friday free in case I want to go out / work longer (I WFH), go away.

I don’t really feel there is much I can do about it but it seems a bit unfair. Those 2 nights are my saviour.

OP posts:
TheMorigoul · 16/11/2022 08:15

Can you agree to it but say as you don't want dc to miss out he can do the school run monday morning to make up for it. Or have them for tea a night in the week?

Original poster
LDA123 · 16/11/2022 08:17

He won’t do either of those things.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 16/11/2022 08:18

What is their justification for this change? What happens if you say no im working you need to collect or arrange to collect your children?

I had a similar thing I had to walk to the school collect the children walk them home and they were collected from there unfortunately by the time we got home they were on my doorstep (with their car) my children would regularly refuse to go as they were tired it put needless barriers up

Itsabitnotcold · 16/11/2022 08:21

At the end of the day, someone has to. And if he refuses you don't have a choice. I'd make it clear how pathetic he was though. "So I do absolu

Itsabitnotcold · 16/11/2022 08:22

Itsabitnotcold · 16/11/2022 08:21

At the end of the day, someone has to. And if he refuses you don't have a choice. I'd make it clear how pathetic he was though. "So I do absolu

"So I do absolutely everything for them, day in day out, but you really can't bring yourself to pick them up from school twice a month. No worries, I'll do that too."

They'll grow up knowing who's there for them and who isn't.

FreakyFrie · 16/11/2022 08:22

Can’t you say no… you are working and it’s your responsibility?

Original poster
LDA123 · 16/11/2022 08:23

The sole reason is inconvenience. They also don’t like having 2 bags - school bag and overnight bag. Normally collect bags on way home from picking up or I drop them earlier in day. But obviously they normally would have a school bag too. So 8 bags, I don’t want to send all their overnight stuff to school with them.

They asked me last week and I said no as was working late and going out early (true) but now they have just “told” me and think I’m being unreasonable.

OP posts:
Flairmaine · 16/11/2022 08:25

Say no. Its his night and he can do it. If not he can collect on Saturday morning and his CMS will go up accordingly.

brighterthanthemoon · 16/11/2022 08:27

LDA123 · 16/11/2022 08:23

The sole reason is inconvenience. They also don’t like having 2 bags - school bag and overnight bag. Normally collect bags on way home from picking up or I drop them earlier in day. But obviously they normally would have a school bag too. So 8 bags, I don’t want to send all their overnight stuff to school with them.

They asked me last week and I said no as was working late and going out early (true) but now they have just “told” me and think I’m being unreasonable.

He can buy stuff to keep at his.

brighterthanthemoon · 16/11/2022 08:27

Flairmaine · 16/11/2022 08:25

Say no. Its his night and he can do it. If not he can collect on Saturday morning and his CMS will go up accordingly.

Yes

MakeWayMoana · 16/11/2022 08:27

He’ll have to provide pjs, clothes, toiletries etc at his house for them so they don’t need an overnight bag won’t he? That solves the bag issue and he can keep picking them up.

Theunamedcat · 16/11/2022 08:28

The easy solution is he acts like a parent and provides everything for his house removing the need for "extra bags"

Flairmaine · 16/11/2022 08:29

brighterthanthemoon · 16/11/2022 08:27

He can buy stuff to keep at his.

Show quote history

Exactly why can't he just have everything they need at his? When I was younger I had a wardrobe at mum's and a wardrobe at dad's. Would've been a right faff to be taking bags and don't think my mum would have appreciated doing washing from time spent with him! Thankfully though my dad was a proper grown up and we were prioritised.

brighterthanthemoon · 16/11/2022 08:30

They have now told me that I have to collect them from after school club every fortnight, bring them home and get them ready to be collected. who is this they? Your kids? In which case no you need to discuss it with their dad directly.

Original poster
LDA123 · 16/11/2022 08:31

But what can I do? I’ve already explained that I think as he only has them 2 nights a fortnight, I think it’s reasonable that he does it. To that, he called me a c**t ☹️

What happens if I refuse and then they don’t collect. Poor kids, it’s not their fault. I feel it’s a battle of wills between me and his mother and I’m not sure I’m strong enough to deal with it but equally don’t want to be walked over.

OP posts:
PhDmum22 · 16/11/2022 08:31

I had this. Had to hold REALLY firm, like PPs said, and said, 'they either come from school, or they don't come'.
He managed to finish early, dontcha know...
A few years later the one night in the week for tea went the same way. They were coming home to mine, eating, showering, changing, then going to his to stay over. (He won't put the heating or hot water on for them - they can have kettles in the bath!! He's mortgage free, two cars, lives alone and on £45k+)
He had the nerve (and was successful) to go to CMS and reduce the amount by 7% as he had them for another night 🙄
I haven't managed to do anything about that yet, but karma will get him.
Tight bastard.

Whatifitallgoesright · 16/11/2022 08:32

They need toothbrushes and toiletries to stay at his. Why wouldn't they, it's their home. Ditto pyjamas and dressing gowns, underwear and a few clothes. Is this what you mean?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 16/11/2022 08:33

He should have everything he needs at his, I agree. My ex is terrible for this, and always moans about “duplicating” things. Which makes it a faff for me and for my older child.

maryberryslayers · 16/11/2022 08:34

The great thing about him being your ex is you don't have to do as he says, you just say no.
Tell him he needs to provide for his own children when they are with him so they don't need to cart their things from your house around with them.
Stop being his (and his mothers) doormat.

brighterthanthemoon · 16/11/2022 08:35

LDA123 · 16/11/2022 08:31

But what can I do? I’ve already explained that I think as he only has them 2 nights a fortnight, I think it’s reasonable that he does it. To that, he called me a c**t ☹️

What happens if I refuse and then they don’t collect. Poor kids, it’s not their fault. I feel it’s a battle of wills between me and his mother and I’m not sure I’m strong enough to deal with it but equally don’t want to be walked over.

Then you have them that night. You can't shield them from their dad being a dick for

brighterthanthemoon · 16/11/2022 08:35

brighterthanthemoon · 16/11/2022 08:35

Then you have them that night. You can't shield them from their dad being a dick for

Show quote history

Sorry it jumped. Forever. They will see his true colours.

Original poster
LDA123 · 16/11/2022 08:35

So everyone thinks I’m in my right to refuse? I am going to start ww3.

I will suggest he buys them weekend stuff (yes just clothes, toothbrush etc) so doesn’t need me to pack a bag.

I’m shaking about the thought of doing this. But think it’s fair.

OP posts:
Flairmaine · 16/11/2022 08:36

LDA123 · 16/11/2022 08:31

But what can I do? I’ve already explained that I think as he only has them 2 nights a fortnight, I think it’s reasonable that he does it. To that, he called me a c**t ☹️

What happens if I refuse and then they don’t collect. Poor kids, it’s not their fault. I feel it’s a battle of wills between me and his mother and I’m not sure I’m strong enough to deal with it but equally don’t want to be walked over.

So he's abusive too. Are you scared of him OP? Sounds awful and I understand now how you might be nervous to confront him about this.

brighterthanthemoon · 16/11/2022 08:37

LDA123 · 16/11/2022 08:35

So everyone thinks I’m in my right to refuse? I am going to start ww3.

I will suggest he buys them weekend stuff (yes just clothes, toothbrush etc) so doesn’t need me to pack a bag.

I’m shaking about the thought of doing this. But think it’s fair.

Yes I think that sounds fair. Just remain calm and don't respond when he calls you names. If it's in writing keep a screenshot.

Chimna · 16/11/2022 08:37

Ofcourse you're right. Suggest he acts like a parent and supplys the things they need. Suggest he uses childcare like a parent. If he can't do these things he can pick them up on Saturday morning.

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