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AIBU?

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Original poster

Sharing custody

124 replies

LDA123 · 16/11/2022 08:12

Situation is husband and I separated earlier in year. 4 kids, I am the primary caregiver. He has them EOW only Friday to Sunday. I have no family in area so do all the childcare, clubs, running around etc.

He has been relying on his Mum to collect them on his Friday from after school club at 6pm. I booked the Friday to give him extra time to collect and we pay half each. He has 9-5.30 job in an office and I’m sure he probably could WFH once a fortnight if he really wanted to.

They have now told me that I have to collect them from after school club every fortnight, bring them home and get them ready to be collected.

Am I being unreasonable to expect them to do it? I feel it’s a bit unfair to expect me to do it.

I literally only have 2 kid free nights a fortnight and nice to keep that Friday free in case I want to go out / work longer (I WFH), go away.

I don’t really feel there is much I can do about it but it seems a bit unfair. Those 2 nights are my saviour.

OP posts:
babytum · 17/11/2022 12:39

So final message to the ex mother in law, I won’t be collecting them. It’s between you and your son as to who does. Not up for further discussion.
If your feeling very wobbly then block them both for a while.

I’m guessing you’ve been walked over for quite a while by them both. You refusing to put up and shut up won’t go down well initially but with time and you pushing back they might look at you with a bit less derision and not be so presumptuous about ordering you around. Even if they don’t you’ll start building confidence in how to deal with them and become less sensitive to their nastiness

Theunamedcat · 17/11/2022 13:08

What time does the childcare close?

What I did when I set a boundary with my ex was warned the childcare and hid around the corner he didn't collect they spoke to me I collected her and took her out he tried calling me I didn't answer he then got annoyed walked around to my house to bang the door im not in went around to the childcare it was closed he was seriously pissed at me but I refused to bend on this issue collect your child if you want to see them

LadyDanburysHat · 17/11/2022 13:28

Theunamedcat · 17/11/2022 13:08

What time does the childcare close?

What I did when I set a boundary with my ex was warned the childcare and hid around the corner he didn't collect they spoke to me I collected her and took her out he tried calling me I didn't answer he then got annoyed walked around to my house to bang the door im not in went around to the childcare it was closed he was seriously pissed at me but I refused to bend on this issue collect your child if you want to see them

This seems like a good plan.

XmasElf10 · 17/11/2022 13:33

You don’t send an overnight bag… the kids aren’t visiting, they live part time with him!!! Either he collects them from school or they don’t go to his that evening.. end of.

XmasElf10 · 17/11/2022 13:35

I hate conflict so I’d just tell them how it was then be in McDonalds (or other) when they may turn up at my house. I don’t want to get yelled at but I don’t bend over backwards to make my exHs life easier.

lovelilies · 17/11/2022 13:48

My ex can be like this. You have to be firm, give them an inch and they take a mile, and will use the lids to control you.

Once mine has done with being a twat, he switched back to mr nice guy why-can't-we-be-a-family-again. I find that hard to deal with too as he just will not accept me putting up any boundaries and used the kids to worm his way back into our lives. Latest one is suggesting to the kids we all go to Tenerife together (obviously they think this is a smashing idea) so I look like the bitch for saying no.

Where do these men get off?

babybrainfart · 17/11/2022 13:57

my ex did this so I said if you can't collect them Friday night then collect Saturday morning, which he now does. His CMS went up accordingly to reflect me having them more.

babybrainfart · 17/11/2022 13:58

Or don't collect them from school and when the school ring tell them to phone your ex as it's his weekend.

Belindabelle · 18/11/2022 17:58

How did I it go today @LDA123

unicornsarereal72 · 18/11/2022 18:06

You have been in my thoughts this afternoon. Hope all went smoothly for you

Original poster
LDA123 · 18/11/2022 19:29

I decided to go out at pick-up time and am just on way my home now. I made sure school had their numbers. No calls though so all must be well.

I’ve gone from feeling good earlier (that I had put my foot down) to feeling but have to a bit guilty this afternoon, especially if his Mum ends up being the one doing the running around.

But it’s a new start and good to have some firm boundaries in place. Hopefully we won’t have this issue again in 2 weeks.

We haven’t formalised the financial side of things yet or the childcare arrangements. I fear it is going to be a long slog. But at least when we do, all this stuff will be stipulated so no arguments.

OP posts:
Original poster
LDA123 · 18/11/2022 19:31

Should read “gone from feeling good to feeling a bit guilty”

Been a long day!

OP posts:
maryberryslayers · 18/11/2022 20:40

Well done @LDA123!!! Feel good. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about.

Belindabelle · 18/11/2022 22:14

Excellent. Standing your ground will get easier the more you do it.

OhamIreally · 19/11/2022 11:42

Well done. Enjoy your time and no mum guilt!

Original poster
LDA123 · 02/12/2022 13:41

Me again. Can I ask what people do about birthday presents/money for parties on ex’s weekend? They are expecting me to send a card and present ready for the party. I’m a bit reluctant, money is tight. Thinking surely his responsibility on his weekend (but equally don’t want to be petty!)

OP posts:
NightOwl101 · 02/12/2022 13:46

No if it's dads time then dad organsies gift if it's mums time then mum organises.

cstaff · 02/12/2022 13:51

Would you not just give your child a present in your house on your time. It sounds like he wants to use your present as his. If your ex asks where it is you can just tell him that you gave it to dc last night.

mumda · 02/12/2022 13:51

Why do they take overnight stuff?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/12/2022 13:54

Generally each parent pays for presents etc for parties in their time.

It makes sense esp if there’s CMS maintenance, as that’s calculated based on the number of nights with each person, so as such reduces to allow for them spending money in their own contact time. With a private arrangement (so more than CMS amount) you could say “oh well there’s this sum to cover all presents, sundries etc” but it’s also the other of getting the present etc.

Luckily the frequent parties phase doesn’t last that long!

NightOwl101 · 02/12/2022 13:55

cstaff · 02/12/2022 13:51

Would you not just give your child a present in your house on your time. It sounds like he wants to use your present as his. If your ex asks where it is you can just tell him that you gave it to dc last night.

I assumed the OP ment if her DC were invited to a child's party who provides the gift, however if I'm wrong and it's the OPs DC birthdays/gifts then each party should provide in their own time, so if dads weekend they have birthday and presents there and then when they come back to mum, mum gives gifts then

MadeForThis · 02/12/2022 13:57

You will give them a gift from you when you see them next.

He can buy his own presents.

MadeForThis · 02/12/2022 13:58

He is responsible for expenses while they are with him. If he's taking them for a friends party then he can buy the present.

RabbitSocks · 02/12/2022 13:59

The patent whose weekend the party falls on deals with all the admin for it. So if it’s his weekend he responds to the invite, buys them gift and card and takes them there and back.

Original poster
LDA123 · 02/12/2022 14:01

Sorry if I wasn’t clear - I meant when our children attend other children’s birthday parties.

I haven’t sent a gift this weekend (his weekend) for a party that my son is attending. But apparently I’m in the wrong and should have sorted it!

Looking forward to the “party” stage to be over but with the 4 of them, probably have a few more years!

OP posts: