Sharing custody

[LDA123]

Situation is husband and I separated earlier in year. 4 kids, I am the primary caregiver. He has them EOW only Friday to Sunday. I have no family in area so do all the childcare, clubs, running around etc.

He has been relying on his Mum to collect them on his Friday from after school club at 6pm. I booked the Friday to give him extra time to collect and we pay half each. He has 9-5.30 job in an office and I’m sure he probably could WFH once a fortnight if he really wanted to.

They have now told me that I have to collect them from after school club every fortnight, bring them home and get them ready to be collected.

Am I being unreasonable to expect them to do it? I feel it’s a bit unfair to expect me to do it.

I literally only have 2 kid free nights a fortnight and nice to keep that Friday free in case I want to go out / work longer (I WFH), go away.

I don’t really feel there is much I can do about it but it seems a bit unfair. Those 2 nights are my saviour.

Yeah my ex tried that. Would happily have DC but in no way could he possibly organise the school pick ups on his days. I done it for a year, every single school pick up. Then I realised that I was giving up working hours and being treated like a mug.
Told him that I was no longer doing it and that if he was choosing not to have DC on his days (by not picking them up from school) then they would be staying home with me and I would be making sure friends and family knew he was making that choice.
He loves playing the victim and making me out to be a bitch so that gave him a kick up the ass that people would see through his game playing.
He organised a childminder to do pick ups on his days until he finishes work.
He also has everything needed at his house so no need for the kids to take overnight bags. He also needs to sort that out!

Obviously keep a record of messages too.

What is this overnight bag bullshit?

My daughter is 15 and has had 2 homes for 10 years. Number of times she’s carried an overnight bag? ZERO.

She lives in two places, they are both home. The only thing that isn’t duplicated in both is her phone! (and as that’s never out of her hand, it’s no hardship to take between homes).

Say no, and stop the overnight bag nonsense at the same time.

Yes I probably am, not physically or anything like that. But always had a bad temper/angry so I felt a lot of marriage walking on egg shells.

You no longer have to do his bidding. Tell the prick that you are working. That he only sees his kids 4 nights a month (I would extend that too tbh).

Have you formalised it all?

He needs to have his own clothing at his.

Stop sending it and he needs to collect them.

You are not in the wrong.

Thank you everyone. Really helps to know that people out there to listen and try to help.

I have told him I am not collecting them and will no longer pack an overnight bag.

Well done.

The least he can do is have some clothing for his kids while they are with him!

No not the kids! Him and his Mum.

Absoluty this. Why on earth do you have to pack an overnight bag.

Crossed post. Well done OP

You need to make the after school club aware that alt Fridays they are your ex's responsibility and he should be contacted if he doesn't arrive on time.

Then definitely no. His mum doesn't call the shots.

Well done op, it's so hard when your ex makes things difficult. It was like this with me and my ex at first but now things have settled we are actually quite helpful and considerate to each other as coparent.

If he refuses you could go down the route of saying that if you are picking them up he can collect them on Saturday morning instead and increase CMS accordingly

Well done for standing up to him. It took me years to take control of my situation too. My ex was abusive and a bully. But treat it like a toddler tantrum. When you can talk to me calmly I will discuss this with you. it took a few times of me saying I won't be spoken to like that. But we now communicate in a more business like way. Which works for me. Stand your ground. You don't need to give any reasons. Just no that doesn't work for me.

Absolutely tell the school he will be collecting, get the to read out his number to you so that they definitely have it on file.

If they call you to say he hasn't collected say you are away and they will need to keep contacting him.

You will have to hold your nerve on this or they will control you forever.

You need that two days headspace with four kids.

Can't stand these men who think childcare simply defaults to the mum and they have no responsibility.

Works 9-5:30 and STILL gets his mum to pick them up on his one day a fortnight. What a wanker.

I don't think you should be paying half the after school club either actually OP. Looks like he's getting that WW3 after all. Only he started it.

I got a whole “you’re not in charge” text back from him.

His Mum texted me again today to say she is collecting them from mine.

I have explained again that I am not collecting them and am no longer packing bags (although I will this week to give him 2 weeks to sort clothes etc).

It doesn’t seem to be sinking in. She said I was being “very unreasonable”.

Will see what tomorrow brings.

Well done for setting and maintaining your boundary .

Perhaps keep an email or phone number only for childcare arrangements.

Tell him that you are communicating with one person.... To stop the two of them bullying you, pressuring you etc.

Add one number for him, or one mail for him and block all others.

Tell them you'll have one point of contact and your email/phone is set up only to accept messages etc from that one number/address.

His mother shouldn't have the opportunity to communicate with you, pressuring you and almost verbally abusing you (you're being unreasonable??!!! No, he's been and is being unreasonable, EOW to begin with ... Spoilt boy, barely a parent).

You need to cut her out of the picture. communicate with only one of them. Then you can start to deal with his abuse.

you’re not in charge

And neither is he.

Fucking dickhead.

His mother can make whatever arrangements she wants with him, and vice versa.

They are not your business.

She had no business to be contacting you.

She is not your co parent.

He, unfortunately is their only other coparent. He can communicate with and make arrangements with his own mother; not you.

She shouldn't be involved in messaging you. If she could be reasonable, maybe but she clearly can't.

The apple certainly hadn't fallen far from the tree.

Well done OP for asserting some authority, now stand firm. You have been perfectly reasonable. This probably came as a shock to your ex if he has previously dominated the relationship. Also block MIL, you don’t need to take shit from her as well as your ex.

But what can I do? I’ve already explained that I think as he only has them 2 nights a fortnight, I think it’s reasonable that he does it. To that, he called me a ct ☹️

Perhaps you should take WA or legal (rights of women?) advice on dealing with this level of verbal abuse and unreasonable behaviour from your kids "coparent".

No-one should have to take that.

He shouldn't get away with it.

You need to record it all, keep it too.

I would personally reply to the mother and ask her to elaborate. And ask her to explain why the man she taught how to behave is incapable of acting like a responsible parent or needing his mother to contact you. Unless he has a mental incapacity you have no reason to speak to her.

Tell his mother her son is being unreasonable for only having his kids for 2 days out of 14 and what a shame she didn’t do a better job of raising him!! Cheeky cow. I’m so angry on your behalf OP. Do not let them walk all over you like this. The kids are his responsibility too and he’s already doing the bare minimum as it is.
stand your ground and tell him to take you to court for a more fair agreement if he isn’t happy.