Sharing custody

[LDA123]

Situation is husband and I separated earlier in year. 4 kids, I am the primary caregiver. He has them EOW only Friday to Sunday. I have no family in area so do all the childcare, clubs, running around etc.

He has been relying on his Mum to collect them on his Friday from after school club at 6pm. I booked the Friday to give him extra time to collect and we pay half each. He has 9-5.30 job in an office and I’m sure he probably could WFH once a fortnight if he really wanted to.

They have now told me that I have to collect them from after school club every fortnight, bring them home and get them ready to be collected.

Am I being unreasonable to expect them to do it? I feel it’s a bit unfair to expect me to do it.

I literally only have 2 kid free nights a fortnight and nice to keep that Friday free in case I want to go out / work longer (I WFH), go away.

I don’t really feel there is much I can do about it but it seems a bit unfair. Those 2 nights are my saviour.

Ah that makes more sense. It's definitely dad's responsibility if it's on his time. He's just chancing his arm. Tell him to do one OP.

Say ‘no, thank you.’

Only communicate with the man in writing (email/text), tell him you will decline phone calls from him and of course his mother in future. Have an email address solely for him and check it once a week, at your leisure.

Tell him if he’s struggling with barely ever seeing his kids you’d be happy to formalise 50/50 parenting and contact. Enjoy him shitting himself and tantrumming. These people are trying to palm off every aspect of the kids on to you, decline it. Turn down their offers of being deadbeat scum.

Definitely Dads responsibility on his time. When we have the DSC we cover any of their expenses.

What a chancer! You're expected to supply the gifts for him to hand over at parties! Ha! No. It's not normal, or fair, it's crackers. My Ex still does this utter shit after 12y. Never any food in his house, brings DD home unfed well after teatime on Saturdays, never sends any clothes home, expects her to spend the pocket money I give her in his time...we just ignore it all.

Funnily enough his mother is the most interfering, controlling old bat I've ever had the displeasure of meeting. Sounds similar.

I used to get quite upset, but I just laugh now and repeat it back incredulously. Or send laughing emojis. Annoys the crap out of him but 🤷🏻‍♀️.

Rinkly is right, the best way to deal with trash like this is to laugh. They want you to provide a packed bag for all the kids/plan, purchase and deliver a party gift/tell them things that were in a school email that was sent to them etc=

‘😄 No. I’ll be there at 4pm on Sunday.’

He'll be asking you to send them packup next!

Oh I always tell him what’s in the school emails if he needs to know 😂😂😂. Otherwise it wouldn’t get read and then I’d be blamed for not telling them!

All this is feeling quite liberating. I just sent a thumbs up and a friendly “see you Sunday” to the abuse I got back when I said it wasn’t my responsibility to buy the gift on his weekends!

Also had a text from his Mum asking what time I’m dropping them to hers tonight. WE COVERED THIS, I’M NOT!!!!

First week of not packing a bag too 😊. Definitely not going to miss the dirty laundry being sent home on Sunday!

Their dad needs to buy tooth brushes, night clothes and Saturday clothes to keep at his house.

She can refer to her deadbeat failure of a son for his plans to transport his kids to her. It'll take a while for it to sink in to their empty heads that they can't make deadbeatdads problems be yours. Laugh at their tantrums. (I'm fuelled by tantrumming adults fury at basic boundaries being enforced. Makes me feel alive 😆)

’noted, and forwarded to my divorce solicitor.’ If they’re actually sending you cunty messages let them know all further abusive communications will be forwarded to the police.

How did it go down when he realised you actually didn't send a bag?

Stand firm @LDA123 you're setting a pattern for the remaining years of childhood and your boundaries are ace! LOVE the thumbs up 🤭 agree with pp, keep all messages

Agggggh feels like everything is such a battle.

His Mum has now told me that they are taking the car EOW Friday to Sunday. I can see their point as it’s a 7 seater so bigger to fit all the kids. I pay 100% of costs, insurance, MOT, breakdown etc although ex did contribute for a new tyre as failed MOT and I couldn’t afford to buy a new one.

His Mum has 2 cars - one of which is our old car which we gave to them.

Ex doesn’t have a car but we all live local to each other.

So now, EOW they will have 3 cars and I am left without transport!!! I asked if I could borrow the smaller car (our old one) Friday to Sunday but she said no.

We haven’t sorted out the financial settlement yet but I presume as I am the main care giver, I’ll keep the car and it will be deducted from my share of overall house equity etc.

What have people done about the car in separations?

Who is the car registered to? If it's yours, tell her to go fuck herself.

This sort of shit makes me so mad. I had my exH try pulling some stunts like this, kicking off because I wasn't prepared to be his assistant and sort all the child related things for him. When it's his contact time with the DC, then it's all his responsibilty. Feeding them, clothing them, paying for childcare if needed, sorting transport. He does NOT get to lean on you as default parent, he lost that right when you split.

Obviously don’t let them steal your car. You’re allowing them to take the piss out of you. ‘No.’

Just say no, @LDA123 ! The MIL needs to keep her beak out...

The woman said no, so follow her lead and say no yourself. If you’re the registered owner and keeper of the car other people don’t get to take your car from you. Come on.

(You’re still allowing that woman free access to contacting you?)

I’m not the registered owner, my ex is unfortunately. It was always a joint car and I used it more (as with the kids) but we registered it in his name.

Guess that makes things tricky.

It's nothing to do with his mum. I'd just ignore her - one of the advantages of a divorce !

The kids dad is responsible for everything when they are with him in my opinion.

If you have a bigger car and things were amicable, then you could arrange a car swap (if you get one in return) for when he has the kids. But in these circumstances, I'd be wary that he'd trash the car or cause damage and not fix it.

However, as you pay 100% for the car - I'd let him sort it himself and keep the car yourself.

I did ask for a car swap - I’ll take our smaller old fiesta but she said no as that is “their” car.

Maybe I’m screwed then if I’m not the registered owner. I would consider it a joint marital asset though.

If you’re divorcing you can’t insure something you don’t own. Spouses can insure each other’s stuff, but not if you’re single. The loser will need to make you the owner, or you’ll have to get your own car.

Tell her no and then block her. Tell her waste of space son that you won't be communicating with his over bearing mother any more.

Go out with the car on Friday.

Honestly, you need to stand up to these prices

Pricks *

You’re mixing up terms! There’s no such thing as a “registered owner”. The term is “registered keeper”, and on the V5C it explicitly states “This document is not proof of ownership”.

Who actually paid for the car? And if it was you, do you have a receipt? Or a bank statement with the payment clear perhaps?

You’re right that it’s anyway a marital asset, but if you paid for the car, have proof of that, and refuse to hand it over - then he couldn’t (for example) call the police on the strength of being Registered Keeper.

Do you need a 7 seater? If not, I wouldn’t even get into the mess of swapping cars along with the kids. Tell him he has a choice - one of you keeps the 7 seater and the other the second car. Or, the 7 seater stays with him - and you stop paying ANYTHING. The insurance for starters.