In Laws Keeping the Baptism Gifts

[OctaviaWS12]

So, last week was our sons baptism, hosted in France (the country where my DH is from however we live in England ). (My inlaws insisted it be hosted here). Anyway, our son was very lucky and received lots of lovely gifts from his relatives. However, two gifts in particular caused issues. From a friend of the family, he received a hand crafted silver picture frame (worth quite a bit of money!) . My in laws say that it has to stay in their house, so that the person who gifted it can see it and they can enjoy it. However, we don’t see our in laws very often as they are ‘busy’, maybe twice a year. In addition, they said that we would have to decide together who takes the gold and silver gifts
home, as they want to keep some as a ‘memento’ of the baptism. Am I unreasonable for asking to take all of them home? To where DS lives ? As the gifts were for him. In addition, my husband works away a lot and I’m often caring for my DS alone, and with the help of my parents. I’m concerned that if they stay with my in laws, he will never see them.

Ah booooooo. Sorry to hear that.:(((( The battle begins!

You need to make sure your dh realises that this stand you are taking is not now actually about their weird behaviour about the valuable gifts as such, it’s now escalated and is about their controlling ways and his inability to stand up to his parents. The issue has now changed into a much more serious situation for you, that you are struggling to get past. ITS NOW NOT ABOUT THE CHRISTENING GIFTS.

Is there an age gap between you and your "D"H? Just curious because this is very patronising and as if he is speaking to a child.

It reminds me of an older ex I had and it gave me the ick.

He's "disappointed in you " @OctaviaWS12
Not half as disappointed as you are in him.
Siding with his thieving parents against his own child.

No not a huge age gap, just four years. I think, although it doesn’t make it any better, he repeats the phrases of his parents. No news on getting my sons things back. Thank you all for the support. Won’t give up fighting this battle for him

Absolutely 100% this, and it is VITAL that you make this clear.

It is NOT about the gifts, it's about them being controlling, patronising, unkind, weird, and it's about HIM being useless at standing up for you, and also being patronising and utterly disrespectful towards you.

I’d write thank you notes, to all those who generously gifted your DC and tell them how much you appreciated their gifts, and add that you’re sure that your DC will appreciate on them also, on your annual visit to the grandparents house, where they will be on display.

It’s not a marriage if he works away and spends more time with his parents. You either move to France and live together if you work from home, or you call it time. Works for a lot of couples but this doesn’t sound fun if you have to move your parents in with you.

@OctaviaWS12 message everyone person who they kept the gift from and say you are unsure about french custom and was the gift meant for your son or his grandparents? A lot will fluster and say grandparents as they won’t believe the cheek, but you’ll know that they will always know their friends or relatives took gifts for their nephew etc

Also going into your suitcase to take a gift fro your son?

I am furious on your and your child's behalf. Just a thought to stick it to them, could you buy what they stole from your son? Such as the silver photo frame, take a photo of it and send it to the giver saying thank yoy and that it was a shame that you weren't able to bring it home for your son to enjoy but that you have found a replica that you hope is a good replacement. Mention how this French tradition of leaving all the expensive gifts with paternal grandparents is very odd as in England the gifts remain close to the child but you're still learning about the French way of life. And send a copy of letter to the thieving ILs.
I would also start limiting you and your son's time with them, you can do without that sort of toxicity in your life.

This isn’t a French tradition, it’s theft! Do they also keep their Grandson’s birthday and Christmas presents too, or is it just expensive, materialistic items they want to keep?! Your husband and his family should be utterly ashamed of themselves, but you should be so proud of putting your foot down and standing up for you and your son, and doing what is right!

What have I just read? The people who gave the gifts surely intended for them to live in the house your son lives in since they are legally his possessions that were gifted to him.

“Never give it back”

it’s not theirs to “give back” FFS

Forget the gifts, they will only bring you unhappiness everytime you look at them. It's just more to store and clean. And although they may have been expensive to buy, honestly how much would they really be worth in cash if you sold the lot second hand tomorrow? How much room is it taking up in your head and us that worth a few hundred pounds over the next couple of decades if moving the blasted niknacs.

Just walk away.

WTAF?!?!

Your husband is spineless and your MIL sounds horrible and controlling.

I’d be having serious conversations with my DH about this whole debacle. I also wouldn’t be travelling to see my MIL again. Ever!

This has blown my mind. It is theft, pure and simple. Your husband is a spineless mummy's boy and I would seriously doubt my entire relationship, if this is him showing his true colours then it's massive alarm bells and red flags for me and you need to have a proper think about your future. You don't need him, and definitely agree with pp who've said to keep your son's passport protected by your parents. The blackmail comment also sounds a lot like he's playing mind games, don't let him manipulate you. Good luck, please let us know how things progress. Have you gone home without him, is he due to come back to England?

I would opt for a more PA message to the gift givers.

Thank you etc, it is lovely.
Grandmother name decided the gifts should be kept in their house for safekeeping, so unfortunately we can't see them every day. But I'm sure DS name will love seeing them when he visits each year and will be reminded of your kindness and generosity.
Lots of love, OP

Did you reply "why don't you grow a pair?" before I go an avocat with this?

That’s very cheeky of them! Definitely tell them NO! They’re your sons gifts.

why is it some in laws always want to take over everything? They’re so annoying. They need to stop and understand they’re not always right. Grr!

good luck OP, be strong.

It is not about the gifts, but the way they have treated the OP and her son.

I’m imagining the scenario that your husband spends plenty of time staying with his parents whilst working in France and hasn’t detached from them to become an adult in his own right. I expect the conversation about the gifts was made before the christening even took place.

You’ll never know if he actually suggested for them to hang onto the valuable gifts or if they led him to make that suggestion, possibly off the back of his having the intention to persuade you to live in France. If that were the case, it would make sense to keep anything of value in France so that it isn’t lost or stolen during the move over there. You now know moving over there isn’t an option. Ever.

As for getting the items repatriated, the suggestion to speak to your priest and asking him to speak to his counterpart in France is an excellent one. Perhaps go for that route first and take some time to think about how you approach the elephant in the room of thanking the gift givers.

I’d just say ok let’s ask the gift giver directly who they bought the gift for. Call them right in front of in-laws with speaker phone on

can’t believe they are holding a gift meant for their GC, basically stealing from him.

it’s a difficult situation as overall is it worth falling out with them or DH over?

But I would worry that they think that they could get away with behaviour like this in future. YANBU 100%

So they've also taken unknown gifts that were in the piano before you even saw them?!

I'd be going nuclear at this stage I'm afraid. I'd send a message / card / note to every single person that came and say thanks for the gift if you gave one, but MIL has hidden them all and won't allow DS or I to see them or know what they are.

Definitely write to everyone saying thank you but sadly the gifts were kept by the parents so you're not sure what they gave, but thanks for coming. Embarrass the thieves.

Absolutely this!

I agree. This is no longer about the gifts. Its about the principle.
This is about the whole messed up weirdness that your DH's parents can alienate his wife in one foul swoop and hes totally ok with that!
And on top of that, hes angry at the OP for speaking up and saying hold on a minute, thats not right.

I just can't get my head around it.

What sort of husband does that?