In Laws Keeping the Baptism Gifts

[OctaviaWS12]

So, last week was our sons baptism, hosted in France (the country where my DH is from however we live in England ). (My inlaws insisted it be hosted here). Anyway, our son was very lucky and received lots of lovely gifts from his relatives. However, two gifts in particular caused issues. From a friend of the family, he received a hand crafted silver picture frame (worth quite a bit of money!) . My in laws say that it has to stay in their house, so that the person who gifted it can see it and they can enjoy it. However, we don’t see our in laws very often as they are ‘busy’, maybe twice a year. In addition, they said that we would have to decide together who takes the gold and silver gifts
home, as they want to keep some as a ‘memento’ of the baptism. Am I unreasonable for asking to take all of them home? To where DS lives ? As the gifts were for him. In addition, my husband works away a lot and I’m often caring for my DS alone, and with the help of my parents. I’m concerned that if they stay with my in laws, he will never see them.

OP I'm sorry but I'm going to be a little more blunt here than most.
This is abuse from you DH and ILs. They are treating toy you like a second class citizen at your own sons baptism. They decided it was going to be on France and you didn't get a say? Not they want the gold and silver. I feel you've missed a lot of red flags in this relationship. It's absolutely nothing to do with your inlaws where DS is christened and the fact you DH went along with it and is 'usually aggressive' speaks volumes.

Their desire to keep the valuables smells of 'when they divorce they will be with us'. Not if, when. The fact your husband fought this tells me he agrees. The fact they are suddenly being weird as you say makes me think they all know something you don't. Especially as he spends most of his time in France like you say when you and DS live in England. He has no intention of settling properly there as a family leaving you to care for DS like you mentioned.

This is a wake up call OP. Keep your sons passport and birth certificate hidden so he can't travel. If possible get a note attached to his passport that he can't travel without you.

My friend was married to a guy From France na dhad 2 kids with him. Very similar situation. He tried to trav with them with a letter from her giving consent. Which he's entitled to do. Unfortunately she didn't write the letter/give consent and it was flagged as a note was on his passport of potential flight risk. He was arrested at the airport.

Something is very wrong her OP. Your married to a man that is aggressive, is never home with you both, is always in France with his family and has parents wanting to keep the important souvenirs. Protect yourself and DS.

Good luck x

i have had to read this several times to make sure I’ve read it correctly!!!!!!
Unless they were the ones who pushed that baby out of there you-know-what there is no reason on this earth for them to hang on to ANYTHING!!!! Literally daylight robbery. The gifts were for YOUR child and that’s it!

I would not let DH take your son alone to France, in case in laws decide to keep child also!

olus, I would ensure that you have totally separate finances with your DH to protect yourself and son, with a joint account with equal money in it for housing, food, childcare and other bills. Separate savings for certainl

OP.
write a thankyou note to the giver of the gift - say you were hoping to send a few photos of the beautiful,thoughtful,appreciated picture frame ,being displayed -at home,in nursery -with baby..As mil has informed you protocol(she made right up)and expectations(of gift giver/she also made up) were that it remained where gg could continue to view it,would they like you to provide photo of baptized baby to display in said frame monthly?annually? stick her in.

This message is to your 'D' H

There are nearly 2,500 people who have voted on this and 98% think you and your parents are being completely bat shit crazy.

You know the baptism presents are for your baby and that they should be kept by you and your wife until he is old enough to look after them.

So you have 18 pages of people saying that you and your parents are being completely unreasonable. It's actually close to theft what they are doing. You need to ask some of your friends - people who you trust will tell you the truth and are honest, independent of your parents and your wife. I bet they will say the same as 98% people on here.

It's not nice finding out that your parents are controlling and manipulative but it sounds like they are being really unpleasant to your wife.

You need to step up and back your wife and your baby.

Thank you all for the support. Hmm 🤔 the divorce thing is a thought as I did say the splitting of our son’s things mimicked a divorce. But, there is nothing else in the marriage to suggest this, and he just introduced me to all his wider family and friends! He has no other woman etc, but the whole thing has me second guessing the relationship. What’s the point of a husband if he can’t defend you?

Oh! and another detail to add to the story. I add acute bronchitis after the baptism and whilst they were debating to keep the gifts I was very unwell. And still am!

Just in case you needed further confirmation, I explained the whole story to my devoutly Catholic French husband earlier and his face looked like this 😳and he said no, there is absolutely no tradition in French culture for grandparents to keep or look after the baptism gifts, they are very definitely for the child to have and cherish.

Most of the little Catholic kids we know and see at church wear their Christening pendants from their godparents on special occasions, even the little toddlers, so that is definitely not to be kept in a different country!

You deserve far better than your spineless OH. He’s treated you and his child appallingly. Notice they don’t seem to trust you with the expensive material things… but they do trust you with the most important thing that’s priceless (your child). Goes to show what their priorities are. It’s awful. I hope you feel better soon OP!

Many years ago the place I worked in was having problems with some young members of staff from Eire - a lot more than the usual high jinks of teenagers away from home for the first time.

A colleague (who was catholic) phoned the parish priest from the town where many of the young people came from, explained the problem and the ultra high jinks stopped over night. Would your parish priest be willing to do this ? High stakes I know but .....

Am I late to this is it may have been suggested but can you get the addresses of the people who gave you the gifts? If you could I would write a thank you card
"Thank you so much for xxx gift, it was truly beautiful. I would love to have taken them home for ds to enjoy, unfortunately mil and fil stole them. I am deeply upset by this as I loved your gift. I wanted to thank for being so generous " or similar, disgrace the thieving fuckers

The custodians of the gifts?
What a load of rubbish!!
I don't know how you're keeping your cool!
I'd tell them you thought tge frame was for ds but maybe you're wrong and you're just going to run it past the gift giver first, if they actually want it to stay in France or have the pil made a mistake on that one?- hopefully that shames them into giving it back. If not, I would actually text the people and say 'Mil thinks the lovely frame you gave ds is actually for her? Can you just clear this one up for us and clarify if it was meant for ds to take home or stay at grannies?' Mental thing to have to do but I would just do it. And I'd take the bloody frame anyway at this stage, even if I didn't really want it!
Definitely do not spend bloody Christmas with these nutters- they will be nabbing all sorts to keep safe in their custody!!

He has no other woman etc, but the whole thing has me second guessing the relationship

Cheating isn't the only reason for divorce. In fact, I have a feeling that, in the end, more divorces are caused by serious disappointment in one's spouse during times of difficulty and/or a lack of support during stressful times than by cheating. Both are a betrayal and break your heart. But learning that the one who is supposed to be your rock in times of trouble is actually the one who is twisting the knife? That's a double betrayal.

What’s the point of a husband if he can’t won't defend you?

FTFY. Don't let him off by saying he 'can't'. He certainly can, he is choosing not to. Because he cares more about his mother's opinion of him than he cares about your opinion of him.

Any friends who are lawyers who can write them a formal looking letter asking for an inventory of what they have kept for any future disputes?

Also I would write to every guest whose gift they kept saying thank you and that the in laws refused to let them leave France but you can’t wait to see them next time you visit when you hope to take them home. Embarrass the fuckers

Bloody DH's. Tied to mummy's apron strings. Ask him how long will this be the situation. You thought you'd married a loyal man 😖. Tell the IL'S that they are not just stealing, they are stealing from DGS. Good luck and hurry back home with the picture frame.

Take them both they were gifts so strange you and your hubby should hold them show your little one over the years.

They are gifts for your child, not for them. If the people who gifted the silver picture frame want to see it, they would have kept it.

Think you might have to work at this one with some back-up plans. Get a lovely picture of them holding the baby and put it in the frame. If you can't do that yet tell them this is the perfect gift to represent them in the UK so that all your family and friends can admire them. If that doesn't work, put their picture in a cheap plastic frame when you get home and maybe they will send o the replacement.
Or, say it should have a picture of the gift givers with the child so that the child knows them. We always used to refer to such gifts as 'given to you by soandso' as our children grew, so that they knew who they were and their connection to te child. It's important! Maybe explain its not just a trinket, its a way for you to be able to represent that gift giver to the child as they grow up so that they are parft of their life ( through the gift that is seen and present in the child's life every day!)

Definitely write to everyone saying thank you but sadly the gifts were kept by the parents so you're not sure what they gave, but thanks for coming. Embarrass the thieves.

The fact that you were so ill, and a new mum, and in a foreign country, makes me angry. They are bullies and extremely greedy to steal all your gifts for your son.

Going forward I would try to have as little to do with them as possible.

They got away with this abusive behaviour once when you were vulnerable and sick and in their home, but don't give them another chance unless they apologise and return everything to you.

@OctaviaWS12 oh so sorry to read your update about the bronchitis....that is so telling, I'm afraid - the fact that they were scrabbling about after silver and gold trinkets while you were ill. Sounds like, to them, you're just a womb to provide them with an heir .

Presumably you're back in the UK now with your own family....what do they think?

One of the previous posters' story about the priest is a good one... Could you discuss with your parish priest and ask whether he thinks it is normal / acceptable practice for grandparents to keep gifts? He might be able to ring the French priest who cunducted the baptism to 'clarify'...

Why are posters assuming the outlaws in laws rummaged through the OP's suitcase? I think it was the not so dear husband.

Did they keep anything that wasn't gold or silver?

@SqueakyZoe read all OP's posts - things have moved on. She and her baby have now left France without the frame and several other gifts which had been hidden / removed from her luggage by in-laws.

"Cheating isn't the only reason for divorce. In fact, I have a feeling that, in the end, more divorces are caused by serious disappointment in one's spouse during times of difficulty and/or a lack of support during stressful times than by cheating. Both are a betrayal and break your heart. But learning that the one who is supposed to be your rock in times of trouble is actually the one who is twisting the knife? That's a double betrayal."

@AcrossthePond55

Could not agree more.

Very telling that when the OP was so ill they ganged up on her too.

You really see the character of your partner, and how they REALLY feel about you, when you are unwell.

This is not a man to trust or rely on.

He is definitely not your future.