In Laws Keeping the Baptism Gifts

[OctaviaWS12]

So, last week was our sons baptism, hosted in France (the country where my DH is from however we live in England ). (My inlaws insisted it be hosted here). Anyway, our son was very lucky and received lots of lovely gifts from his relatives. However, two gifts in particular caused issues. From a friend of the family, he received a hand crafted silver picture frame (worth quite a bit of money!) . My in laws say that it has to stay in their house, so that the person who gifted it can see it and they can enjoy it. However, we don’t see our in laws very often as they are ‘busy’, maybe twice a year. In addition, they said that we would have to decide together who takes the gold and silver gifts
home, as they want to keep some as a ‘memento’ of the baptism. Am I unreasonable for asking to take all of them home? To where DS lives ? As the gifts were for him. In addition, my husband works away a lot and I’m often caring for my DS alone, and with the help of my parents. I’m concerned that if they stay with my in laws, he will never see them.

I'd go on Facebook and say your in laws have acted like outlaws and stolen all your son's gifts, I would include their names too in case some peoole don't know who you are! No time for politeness, fight fire with a bigger fire.

And absolutely, write to every gift-giver, (if your MIL lets you have their details) thanking them for their present and that you would have loved for DS to enjoy and cherish them at home whilst growing up, but will be looking forward to MIL giving them to him one day.
You need to expose her behaviour and raise above it. I volunteer to translate for you too. French is mother's milk to me 😉

She needs to write the thank you letters, if she doesn't, her MIL will use that with her relatives/friends as proof of OP's dubious character. I tell ya.

I think that you need to sit yourself down and have a good long serious look at your marriage and especially your DH's behaviour. Since this incident was with regards to a Christian baptism, I'll quote the Bible: Genesis 2:24: “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” In other than extraordinary circumstances, spouses should have each other's first loyalty, and should be each other's 'defenders'. Your husband knows that his parents are wrong, yet he is defending them to you, his wife. A wife who he knows is in the right.

Your iLs are beyond your control and since you live a distance away, they can most likely be either 'managed' in some way or greatly avoided. But your DH's behaviour & lack of support is something that I wouldn't tolerate and is a terrible predictor for the future. What happens if they decide that your marriage was a mistake and that he needs to take DC and 'move home'? Worst case scenario, but it does bear thinking about as far as what do you think he'd do if it actually happened?

You indicate that you are the 'breadwinner'. That means you have options. You need to consider all of them very carefully. In the meantime, as a PP suggested, you need to keep your DC's passport, birth certificate, and other important papers under lock and key, preferably out of the house.

Why don't people want the OP to tell the truth to the people who gave the presents? 'Thank you for your kind gift of whatever sadly I have been forced by my son's paternal grandparents to leave it in their home'

There is no denying they have stolen items gifted your child, items of value, the hand crafted silver photo frame was made with the child in mind, the silver napkin ring was engraved with his name on it and I’m sure the Godfather intended his Godson receive the baptism medal, to go with him when he returned to the U.K.
It is theft. And the givers need to be told.
She must have a heart of stone to have the audacity to remove them from your suitcase
As you are now aware of how far your not so DH is prepared to go to pander to his mother’s wishes, I’d be looking at the marriage with new eyes, now the rose coloured lenses have been removed. Watch your back and keep your son safe.
Never let him take your son to France without you.

"Why don't people want the OP to tell the truth to the people who gave the presents? 'Thank you for your kind gift of whatever sadly I have been forced by my son's paternal grandparents to leave it in their home'"

Well, JudgeJ, if you read my suggested letter very carefully, it was telling the truth. Very much so.

"The silver frame is being kept by MIL and FIL, as they say was your express intention" - makes it clear that the OP did not choose to leave the gifts with the ILs, and that she was fed, in justification, what is most likely a lie, the assertion that the gift givers wanted the ILs to keep the gifts.

"I'm hoping DS will be allowed to take possession" - DS has been wrongfully denied possession of his gifts

Then write thank you letters. 'Lovely to see you, thank you for your gift.' That's it.

Absolutely do not drag third parties into dealing with DH's family. That's getting more involved with their toxic family dynamics, not drawing a clear boundary and getting very far away.

Besides, why on earth would friends of DH's family, who presumably know exactly what they are like, back up OP? That way madness lies. It's self-sabotage. OP would end up more entangled, not less.

You have my sympathy OP. Can't decide who is thé bigger 'connasse' your 'd'h or your mil.

YANBU of course OP. x

Because this behaviour is so abhorrent that when you describe it coldly people do not believe it and regard you with suspicion.😕

I think you're probably right.

You can do and say whatever you want. Its not offensive to abbreviat a nationalities name

Completely agree @gebrokendochter with every word.

The bar is always so low on here for so many.
Suck it up.
Accept shit behaviour.
Stay married......AT ALL COST.

That is why so many end up in awful situations, because they ignored loads of awful behaviour in an effort to stay married at ANY cost.

@ChristmasisRuined I agree.
I think the OP should be very wary.

They are more than capable of other behaviour outside the norm.

Stealing from your grandchild, riffling through your DIL's luggage, is patently ABNORMAL behaviour....... and as past behaviour is an strong indicator of future behaviour, only the most naive don't take note.

I think their blatent disregard for social norms, makes them just the type of people that might decide to keep a child if the marriage got into difficulty.

There is no way I would be travelling there again OR allowing that waste of space you married, take that baby away on his own.

He has proven himself to have zero judgment when he aligned himself with thievery.

The value of the items at a couple of thousand is not the point at ALL.

I wonder if they've (all 3) changed because you've given them an heir. Somewhere you said they regard themselves as having 'history' which you don't have. Perhaps they see your DS as belonging to them & their lineage more than to you: the important people, to DH & his parents, seem to be themselves & your son.

Whatever you choose to do, protect yourself & your son.

If you visit at Christmas, let your DH buy something beautiful for his mother then take it home with you as you want him to see it every day.

Someone please tip Daily Fail on this one - don't know how to do it myself and OP said she thought it would be amusing.
OP your DH is very patronising to say he is ''disappointed'' in you, you can call him ''blind and stupid'' in return! One could interpret what happened as him being willing to deprive his defenceless child of its lawful assets. You should let ALL the gifters know in thank you letters that the GP have taken some of the items and physically prevented you taking them home. Make sure you have a separate bank account and house is also in your name.

The response to this is that you’re ‘disappointed’ in the ‘distrust’ and ‘disrespect’ his parents have shown towards you.

You are disgusted that they physically barred you from taking your child’s gift and that he as your ds’s father had no right to temporarily or permanently deprive your ds of his gifts. Moreover that taking the napkin ring from your suitcase was theft.

I don’t think there is any way of coming back from this with his parents and you would be within your rights to contact a solicitor in France and the police to get the items repatriated to the U.K.

As for your husband, this is a total betrayal. He has shown you that he will allow his family to physically prevent and perhaps even restrain you.

I would never take your ds to France again op. I used to be very friendly with a guy, who had a very hard time when the mother absconded with their baby. The police only did a welfare check and refused to return the child or allow him to know the whereabouts of the child. I don’t even mean the exact address. I mean the location full stop. This man had a fantastic 50/50 co-parenting relationship with his ex wife of 20ish years so I know he wasn’t a waste of space. This was a newish partner and she was nice but I think she had mental health issues as when I met her, she had some strange ideas. In the end, he spent thousands upon thousands and didn’t see the child for several years.

OP I have read all your updates, wow!!!
I thought the withholding (stealing) of the baptism gifts was shocking but going into your case and removing something you had packed is a new low. I’m pretty laid back and very much a keep the peace type person but I think that would be the final straw for me.
The first thing I would do is write down everything gifted and by whom. Keep this and your child’s passport and birth certificate under lock and key (at your parents house).

I would lose all trust in my DH and his parents after this little performance and struggle to move forward. I think the relationship between you and the IL has completely broken down as they are asserting complete control over you and your child, it really is quite unbelievable. I wouldn’t be in any rush to return to France either!!
There is some really great advice on this thread. Good luck, I think you’re going to need it x

Wow OP, with a husband and inlaws such as yours, you certainly don't need more enemies.

No more baptisms for future kids then. And in France it's illegal without the permission of both parents. Probably true in the UK too. You have more cards in your hand than you know.

You could always report them for theft. That s' would certainly by embarrassing. Let me know if you need help with the police or gendarmes.

I agree with telling the truth although I would put it nicer than this - thank you...but Mr and Mrs X (my in-laws) refused to allow me to take it back to England and are keeping it at their house.

If someone is behaving well, no one has any issues with truth telling. It is only when people behave appallingly that people want you to hide it.

If I were you, OP, I think my marriage would be over. I certainly wouldn't be travelling to France with my child again to see them either.

I honestly think the marriage would be over if I was you. Your PILs have and are behaving unforgivably. But you didn't choose to marry them. Your DH should always choose you and he's not.

The three of them are bullies and definitely seem to think that you're insignificant.

I would stick firm. If your DH doesn't turn up with every single gift that your son received, I would be arranging a divorce.