In Laws Keeping the Baptism Gifts

[OctaviaWS12]

So, last week was our sons baptism, hosted in France (the country where my DH is from however we live in England ). (My inlaws insisted it be hosted here). Anyway, our son was very lucky and received lots of lovely gifts from his relatives. However, two gifts in particular caused issues. From a friend of the family, he received a hand crafted silver picture frame (worth quite a bit of money!) . My in laws say that it has to stay in their house, so that the person who gifted it can see it and they can enjoy it. However, we don’t see our in laws very often as they are ‘busy’, maybe twice a year. In addition, they said that we would have to decide together who takes the gold and silver gifts
home, as they want to keep some as a ‘memento’ of the baptism. Am I unreasonable for asking to take all of them home? To where DS lives ? As the gifts were for him. In addition, my husband works away a lot and I’m often caring for my DS alone, and with the help of my parents. I’m concerned that if they stay with my in laws, he will never see them.

Your DH is a disgrace.

I think you need to send thank you letters to all of the family members who gave gifts and state that unfortunately they are not on display in your Ds's home as they were all taken from him by his grandparents, who insist that they must keep them.

If they are going to play hardball then you need to also.

I wouldn't send this. It's open to being interpreted as you have the gifts and will pass them on when you is a little older.

Sometimes something happens which is awful at the time but with hindsight is a bit of a gift.

your in laws have stolen from your son. They’ve shown you now, whilst he is very small, that they don’t love him and are unable to put him first. It doesn’t matter if they return the gifts or not - they have stolen from him and can’t undo that action.

Thats horrible to find out, but much better to find out now whilst he is small so that you can protect him.

Dont have them in your house, don’t let them look after your son without you present, don’t stay in their home in France, don’t relocate to be near them etc. If you have them visiting in the Uk lock up things like birth certificates, passports etc. Protect your son.

Wow - stealing from anyone, let alone their own grandchild, has shocked and angered me. Your husband calling you immature has made my blood boil though.
He needs to take a long hard look at his and his parents, actions, and think about how they have affected you and his own child.

Whenever he finds his balls he can tell them that...

Maybe your DH is embarrassed by his parents but feels he has to defend them.
You have to write letters to the people who gave the gifts as the parents could be saying anything about you, so you need to defend yourself.

Meh. Baptism gifts are more don't the giver than the child. Your DS doesn't care about a silver frame and napkin ring. Will probably never care about them. And it's one less thing for you to dust. I'd have been.miffed but let it go. The taking stuff from your suitcase is a bit off though.

Just read your updates today. I am shocked that they actually removed an item from your packing case. Outrageous behaviour from your DH and your in laws.

In fact, looking at my previous post again, I would suggest doing it the other way round:

1. ASAP, write list of items with agreement that these are in safekeeping with in-laws until x date (maybe 6 months?), at which point they are to be returned to your son. Discuss with DH, ask in-laws to sign within 3 days.
2. If they do not agree to this, include wording in your thank you notes to guests concerned: " Thank you for generous gift blah blah. However, just so you know, it has been kept by in-laws without any prospect of DS ever having it. Thank you again and if you wish to enquire about the whereabouts or use of the gift, please contact in-laws."

You really need to cover yourself, OP.

I'm French and this is not a French thing.

It's a thieving thing.

Definitely send thank-you letters to each gift giver. Say

"Thank you for your generosity to DS. The silver frame is being kept by MIL and FIL, as they say was your express intention. I must say it was difficult to be parted from it, as it is so beautiful. I am hoping that DS will be allowed to take possession of it when he reaches x years of age"

Absolutely, Mumsnet are on the case so here come the instant cries to ‘leave him.
Stop over exaggerating, it’s annoying and to a degree upsetting but it is what it is. Life is full of twists and turns and ups and downs, get over it, just like you will have to do many times as you encounter life’s problems.
Just get on with creating a loving home with your husband for your son and put it behind you.

Your husband is putting his mother before his wife. It's not exactly Catholic. How long have you been married?

I am not saying that keeping the gifts is normal OP, just that it follows with your MIL controlling personality. My mother did this and in fact years later gave my DCs gifts I didn't even know existed: it's a power thing.

Swiping the gifts from your luggage is however a whole other level of dishonesty and vileness. Take it seriously and for what it is: an indication of how far she will go and that for her there are no limits. You cannot go too far in refusing to further involve youself and your DS in this batshit world of pain.

The presents added up probably come up no more than £1000, right?

in the grand scheme of things it’s not a lot of money. I probably wouldn’t have made a fuss but I would have noted it as very very odd.

it’s really a shame your DH didn’t back you up. You are completely right of course.

but the damage can’t be undone now and you’ll forever have a very tenuous relationship with your in laws.

for £1000 I’m not sure it’s worth it. Id have done my best just to distance myself from them ever further and never trust them again but I’d probably have let it go.

why are people so odd??

Text the GP’s and tell them you will be informing the gift givers that the GP’s have taken them from the DC.

I agree. But to be realistic, in order to 'create (ing) a loving home with your husband for your son and put it behind you.' OP's DH needs to have a good think about his DM's behaviour and character, which will be hard, but not impossible.
It would be a mistake to wipe the slate clean and put it down to regular MIL/DIL frictions or clash of characters. People wonder why people with NPD get away to inflicting misery time and time again and this is why: because the good, more reasonable people want to get over it, move on and have a good, normal relationship. This woman has just told you who she is OP, listen to her.
After a little while you'll hear she's distraught by the whole thing, wants nothing more than have a loving relationship with you, DS and DH, and can't understand how her good intentions were twisted and misrepresented.
You. Mark. My. Words.

Not about the monetary value though, is it?

So she bought it for herself! Have you meekly accepted this insanity? If you have - WHY?

Massively controlling.

big red flag.

good job you are a bread winner. Doesn’t sound like your husband is up to much.

My inlaws wouldn’t dream of pulling a stunt like that.

Your husband obviously thinks hes 12 and needs permission from mummy and daddy. He needs to grow the fuck up.

Write to the giver, thanking them for their beautiful gift and explaining that your in laws have insisted on keeping it, and give their reason. Dont put it in a complaining way, just so grateful for the gift, and to explain why it will not be taken home with you. Perhaps they will contact in laws with a little word. Your DH is a shit for allowing this. thankfully you only see them twice a year.

Be very, very careful OP. I'm getting alarm bells here as they (inc your H) strike me as the type to try & 'keep' your child if you split up.
I absolutely think you should end this toxic so-called Marriage - but I would do so whilst your DD is with your parents/family. Or, make up some reason for you & your DD to suddenly need to whizz back to UK for a few days, keeping it all nice & breezy until you've left, then when you're on the plane, tell him it's over.

I may be wrong (& hopefully I am!!!) but I've seen this happen a few times and each of those times, the husband & in laws acted just like this during the marriage. Resulting in them clubbing together & refusing to return the child.
I'm unsure of laws where you are now, but in the UK at least, if the F/other parent is on the child's birth certificate, if they don't return them, there's NOTHING the police can do! Unless you've a court order. You'd end up having to go to court to get the child back and before anyone tells me this is nonsense & says it's parental abduction etc - it is very much NOT, sadly. Both parents have PR.

Are the presents that they want to steal from friends of theirs?

If so, is it likely that the friends will say that it's ok for them to keep the stuff until your son is an adult?

Even in a post like this you still can't resist taking a pop at 'Brits', actually you mean Britons, we're not allowed to abbreviate other nationalities and I find it offensive.

I wouldn't follow any of the suggestions to contact the gift givers about the gifts being stolen. It's passive aggressive and it drags you and them further into the toxic dynamics of your DH's family when you should actually be drawing a clear boundary and stepping away. Take this new information about DH and his family and use it to make healthy decisions for yourself and your child.