In Laws Keeping the Baptism Gifts

[OctaviaWS12]

So, last week was our sons baptism, hosted in France (the country where my DH is from however we live in England ). (My inlaws insisted it be hosted here). Anyway, our son was very lucky and received lots of lovely gifts from his relatives. However, two gifts in particular caused issues. From a friend of the family, he received a hand crafted silver picture frame (worth quite a bit of money!) . My in laws say that it has to stay in their house, so that the person who gifted it can see it and they can enjoy it. However, we don’t see our in laws very often as they are ‘busy’, maybe twice a year. In addition, they said that we would have to decide together who takes the gold and silver gifts
home, as they want to keep some as a ‘memento’ of the baptism. Am I unreasonable for asking to take all of them home? To where DS lives ? As the gifts were for him. In addition, my husband works away a lot and I’m often caring for my DS alone, and with the help of my parents. I’m concerned that if they stay with my in laws, he will never see them.

Yep, children of narcs are trained to excuse the behaviour at any cost, what else can they do.

Thank you again for all your support! Just heartbroken. Was supposed to be a lovely occasion

So it was HIS idea to riffle through your luggage like the THIEVES they are.

OP, you have clearly married into commmon, rough, french scum.

How very unfortunate.

This is not a french custom, you have just married badly.

I have found the french to be a wonderful people.

How unlucky for you that you married into a bunch of thieves that would steal from a new mother and grandchild.

Your poor parents must be appalled.

Definitely register your child and get his passport issued and put somewhere safe in your parents home.

When you marry badly, you have really no idea what they are capable of.

I'd be messaging the gift givers to say thank you for the present, but you just wanted to check, was it for DS as you weren't allowed to take it home with you and they've kept it from you?
It's theft, pure and simple.
If I'd gifted an expensive present I'd want to know if they'd got it OK, I would not be impressed if someone had taken it upon themselves to keep it for themselves!
If you're not sure of their address if it's DH's parents friends, I'd be thanking for presents publicly on Facebook and explaining what's happened - no way would I want to risk gift givers going round to the parents house and seeing the presents and thinking I was ungrateful/ didn't want them!
Your in laws sound disgusting.

but even my husband didn’t fold at my tears.
Oh and your "dear" husband sounds like an arsehole.

Completely agree.

OP, I am so sorry for you.

The very worst thing you could do is sweep this under the carpet and try and move past this.

This is NOT a good man.

He is a liar and his family are thieves.

Better for you to realise this now than to waste 10 years of your life.

When someone shows you who and what they really are, it saves so much heartbreak to believe them the first time.

Dear OP. You sound so strong and clear. And heartbroken too. What a terrible event - and they (husband included) sound so different to you, so steeped in age-old misogyny, whereas you sound so fresh and sparkling and like your self-esteem is good.
I hope you get home safely with your little boy and can remake your life. Big old hugs to you. 💖

Tell him that stealing is illegal. They WENT INTO YOUR SUITCASE and stole a silver napkin raing. Absolutely disgusting and if 'D'H can't see anything wrong but to try and turn it back on you he is a joke too.

Forget about the gifts, you won't get them back now, but I would definitely let the gift givers know.

Wouldn't give H an ultimatum either, I'd just be leaving him. He sounds awful.

Horrible , horrible people and I include your husband in that comment .

It is really sad that they’ve spoilt such a special occasion. No way of sugar coating it really is there? It’s just truly horrible.

Even if your husband was the mastermind behind giving the gifts away, first of all they weren’t his to share around, and second of all, his parents had every opportunity to do the decent thing and decline them when you made clear you wanted to take baby’s gifts home. So it doesn’t really matter whose “idea” it was, they all come out of it looking equally nasty.

They’ve swiped in and rifled through a baby’s baptism gifts like magpies, it’s nothing to do with sentiment or having a memento.

have your parents said anything to your DH or his parents?

The whole situation is shocking and I have never heard of grandparents holding onto baptism gifts- your DH is a very poor DH

Those gifts belong to your SON. How bloody awful are these people?!? My goodness!!!! I'm sorry this is happening, it's not right and you know that. Protect your son from these people at all costs!!! What a fucked up sense of entitlement they have!!!

Ask your DH to imagine that the Christening had taken part in the UK

The same guests brought the same gifts.

Would he think it was in any way normal or appropriate for your in-laws to select various gifts to bring back to France?

Same guests
Same gifts
But you on home turf surrounded by family where they couldn't bully you...?

They have totally tainted your sons baptism, I’d be telling dh to stay in France and organising a baptism here to give you happier memories with your friends and family,

imagine stealing from a child. Lowest of low!

Your sons gifts ! Not them they go home to your son .

That's bizarre and they have no right to keep hold of any of your son's gifts as that is not what the person giving the presents intented at all. I find it very telling that they are only interested in valuable gifts and the only motivation that points to is either that they want to get their hands on the gifts either for gain for themselves or because they are Insinuating that you can't be trusted with them. I would insist on taking the gifts and if needed contact the relative for each gift they are trying to keep hold of xxx

They have stolen from a baby, they are the lowest of the low.

That applies to your husband too, he has failed his child.

He's hurt?!!!!! What about the hurt he's caused you? So sorry op, this is heartbreaking 💐

I think they want to display them round their house to make themselves look richer. They'll probably hide them when the gift givers come round, contrary to what they've suggested.

I would be writing a nice note of thanks to each of the gift givers, explaining the situation and suggesting that it's probably best if they don't give anything to DS for Christmas as he won't understand why he's not allowed to take his presents home.

Apart from being young I'm wondering if these bastards have another thing they're holding against you. Is there a big age gap? Are you from a different part of the world? Do they think you're poor and will be popping these things on Ebay?

It's amazing how blind parents can be about their sons. Someone I know is worried her DIL is "out for what she can get" from her son, even though the son is unemployed and the DIL has a great job and takes care of pretty much everything.

I am so sorry you and your son have been treated like this.

I am normally of the forgive-and-move-on mentality. But in your shoes, I do not think I could ever forgive his parents and I would not want either myself or my son to ever visit them again. They have treated you and your son terribly.

I think this will also damage your marriage. Your husband has shown he will choose his parents over you and your son when they are treating you badly. He is more worried about their upset and censure than yours.

These people sound like total shits and he is at best spineless for siding with them.
If I were you I would write lots of lovely thank you cards, apologising to the family that you had hoped to include a photo of your child with their gift but can't do so because your in-laws have kept them in their own home. Be nice as pie about it but let them know what has happened.

I'm so sorry. This is such a sad situation.

If they / he intended for the gifts to be kept by the grandparents he should have said that in the first place. Then you would have been prepared and could have decided if you wanted to have the baptism with them. He / they blindsided you and ruined what should have been a special milestone. You OH is very manipulative and self-centred. He is hurt. He is offended. He isn't considered how you must feel.

Do you have your own relationship with the gift givers? Can you write and thank them directly and say they can see the gifts at your MILs because she wants to keep them on her mantelpiece?

My DH is also French, our children were born in France, and his family would not behave like this. Baptism gifts are for the baby. This all sounds crazy!

I suppose she may feel that she threw an expensive party and so deserves the gifts herself? Which is illogical

For the gifts that were on the piano, ask DH to tell you who they are from so you can thank the gift givers.

Did you bring any of the gifts home?

I guess your son will enjoy the things when he inherits them.

I honestly think the gift givers will be disappointed to see them at your MILs house and you need to explain to the givers that you did love the gifts and would have taken them home with DS if you could.

I would be so cross with my DH if he'd done this. Remember though that they learn at school never to admit they are wrong. School is very competitive and they learn that walking on someone else puts them higher up in the class pecking order.

Where did you get married OP? What happened to the wedding gifts?

I'm part-French and have lived in France. Can confirm with a pp that this is 100% not a French custom and is just your husband's family being awful and actually stealing someone else's property, someone who is too young to stand up for themselves. Shame on them.

Refuse to go back (either yourself or your son or any subsequent children) or let them come to you until all the gifts are returned to you. Do not accept this now or it will be a lifetime of their antics.