In Laws Keeping the Baptism Gifts

[OctaviaWS12]

So, last week was our sons baptism, hosted in France (the country where my DH is from however we live in England ). (My inlaws insisted it be hosted here). Anyway, our son was very lucky and received lots of lovely gifts from his relatives. However, two gifts in particular caused issues. From a friend of the family, he received a hand crafted silver picture frame (worth quite a bit of money!) . My in laws say that it has to stay in their house, so that the person who gifted it can see it and they can enjoy it. However, we don’t see our in laws very often as they are ‘busy’, maybe twice a year. In addition, they said that we would have to decide together who takes the gold and silver gifts
home, as they want to keep some as a ‘memento’ of the baptism. Am I unreasonable for asking to take all of them home? To where DS lives ? As the gifts were for him. In addition, my husband works away a lot and I’m often caring for my DS alone, and with the help of my parents. I’m concerned that if they stay with my in laws, he will never see them.

I am very well supported, but thank you all on the chat for your concern. I think the stealing is still bad, but wouldn’t be so bad if I at least had the support of my husband to back me up. Maybe God was giving me a sign considering it was a baptism!

1. Your DH is totally spineless, he needs to support you.

1. I would never stay in your ILs house again.

1. Send a message to those who gave you the gifts that have now been stolen from you and tell them exactly what has happened.

1. And I would be going LC or NC with ILs.

My husband replied with ‘I am very hurt, I don’t know why you would want to insult me in such a way’ after seeing the thread messages!!

@OctaviaWS12 Just read your update. Your MIL considers you a child which is partly why she feels entitled to taking belongings from you, going through your suitcase, as bad as it is, is only the tip of the iceberg, only things, this woman is a raging narcissist. Incidentally my DM is French and I recognise the behaviour, words, in everything you say about your MIL. This is not a battle for worldly possessions, she wants to dominate your life and your family's life.

Are you safely back in the UK?
Go no contact with your in-laws. Tell your husband not to come home again unless he brings every single one of your child's baptism gifts with him.

Get your documents and finances sorted out. Your husband is not trustworthy.

Where were you married, UK or France? How does that affect your legal status?
Where was your child born? Is he a UK citizen? If he doesn't have a UK passport, apply for one and keep it safe and hidden from your husband.
How are your finances arranged? Make sure you have some living expenses and savings in an account your husband cannot access.

Just for starters.
You are very young, OP. This does not have to define your life.

I wonder how he’s going to act when he comes back home without his mum and dad there to outnumber you? Sounds like the spineless git just wanted an easy life, and has ended up with the exact opposite!

Just take them. Don't even discuss other than to say you'll put a nice christening photo in the frame and send them a picture of it to show their friend.

This is totally totally batshit. I’d feel gaslit and betrayed. What a weird family.

I can barely believe what I'm reading (and that's not a suggestion that I don't believe you!). It's so appalling and wrong that it's just bizarre.

Your DH clearly has no respect for you, for your child, or for those who have the gifts.

As those people will be expecting thank you letters anyway, I would make it clear to them that they have been retained by the in-laws. Otherwise they are going to think less of you for not keeping them.

So sorry @OctaviaWS12 that this was unresolved. Are you home safely? Good journey? You must be emotionally and physically worn out.

Try and reframe this positively. Many of us go for years being endlessly forgiving, excusing behaviour, your in-laws have confirmed beyond all reasonable doubt they don't confirm and therefore are to be approached with caution.

You and baby are young, that's a positive, and have so many more events ahead, so many that they become a wonderful blur of your life. The photos you will love in years to come are not the formal ones, it's the one with the kitchen table with your things behind, all the day to day objects you use, care for and ultimately discard when life moves on.

Don't go crazy buying all the pretty things, you can acknowledge them but leave them in the shop. Make sure you do have things you enjoy - no baby needs a napkin ring, every meal is fresh carnage but later on find a set for the family, we have different shapes, DH is a square, DD is an octogon (she's complicated). DH's tiny engraved christening silver one is unused, tarnished in a box.

If you can get a grip of in-law expectations and a healthy attitude to possessions before you are 24, you'll be so ahead of most of us!

(I'm nearly 50 and working out what's important and what's not for my teens, my pil are crushing snobs, I outwit their expectations time and time again)

He's Hurt - well how the hell does he think you feel having had his family gang up on you and steel your child's gifts. What an asshole. Does he even have a backbone - apparently not.

Glad you have your own family at home to look out for you OP.

Bloody cheek. You do the packing, in your child’s case they go.

So now you know where you figure in all their lives. Maybe think of the bigger picture and consider your future isn't going to be as expected
.
Your ds has a poor role model in your dh.

He also now said his parents had nothing to do with it, and it was HIS idea to let them keep it. I don’t believe it considering the way they acted when I opened it and after. Don’t know what to think!

I am so pleased that you are supported.

Your husband is a waste of space and thankfully you do not need him in your life.

Please do not allow this to be swept under the carpet.

Don't waste your life on this loser and his awful family.

He's a weak little mummy's boy, you really don't need someone like him living off you and treating you with such disrespect.

I really hope you see him clearly now, for the spineless little weakling he is.

Don't waste your precious life on a mummy pleasing loser.

He sounds like a prince doesn't he. I'd accept that you're not getting the gifts back now. And shame on your in-laws for keeping them. At least every time they look at the frame they'll know you called them out on it.

I'd be concerned long term for the family dynamics here. Agree with everyone else saying do not return to their house. They have no respect for you, rooting through your case and taking items out. How dare they?

So he's a liar as well.
🙄

Must be hard for your DH reading this. The change to parent is tricky and he also has to renegotiate his role within his childhood family dynamic.

My DH works away a lot and thats been hard for all of us in different ways.

Try to reconnect, one weird weekend does not define your relationship. Maybe time to move in and plan something positive together for the future. See how that goes?

If OPs husband is reading this - you are a pathetic little boy and you've sidelined your wife and mother of your child for mummy. Time to grow up and be a man.

I hope he read my messages. He and his parents are despicable.

Well (if that's true, which I don't believe for a second that it is), then he bloody shouldn't have told them that without asking you in the first place - it was utterly disrespectful of him to do that - and he should have backed down when he saw how upset you were.

But it’s one thing to ask or suggest to keep something like a frame there, for the reasons they said - and quite another for them all to react like this and steal when told no. Imagine them now having to look at all these symbols every day, of the child they stole from and alienated. I can’t imagine they will feel like they’ve truly “won”, given how it’s all ended.

Absolutely agree with this. Suggesting it was a bit inappropriate but understandable. Fighting over it in the way they did makes them thieves.

So glad to hear you're in a good position, with a supportive and sane family OP!
You do not have to put up with this behaviour, everything @Stravaig says.
Your DH's behaviour is very disappointing but be aware that he is conditioned and cannot see his mother for what she is. Your family's sanity and normal, loving behaviour can be a new reference point for him, if he is willing to question things. Definitely go NC with his family, you and your DS have nothing to gain. I'm with you with the time/money spent going to France, facilitating relationships between DCs and GPs, only to, every time, have it turned into a toxic circus, not worth it. Please read up on NPD, she is textbook. I know it's an overused term, it's still a real thing though.

Your ILs are batshit and greedy
Your husband is a selfish mummy's boy

I wouldn't want anything more to do with any of them.

The whole situation is mental. I mean.... a silver picture frame is lovely, but we aren't even talking £££. It doesn't need safe keeping ffs.

I would ask for the addresses (if you don't have them already) for everyone who came so you send thank you's and I would tell every single gift-giver that your ILs have taken from, what has happened.

Dear XX

Thank you so much for taking the time to come to XX Christening and being part of our special day. It meant so much to us that you were there.

Thank you also for the lovely XXX you brought for DS. Unfortunately MIL has refused to let DS keep it, or allow us to bring it back the UK insisting that you 'wouldn't want that and would prefer her to keep it' - so we won't be able to enjoy it I'm afraid, but MIL will presumably get some pleasure from it.

I'm not sure we will be back any time soon, which makes seeing you last week even more special.

Thank you again and have a wonderful Christmas.

Best wishes
OP

Take the gifts and consider whether it's the husband you should leave behind. What the fuck is this?

I said as suggested on the chat to bring the gifts or don’t bother coming. And he said ‘blackmail is immature and I’m disappointed in you’