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Original poster

In Laws Keeping the Baptism Gifts

603 replies

OctaviaWS12 · 15/11/2022 17:07

So, last week was our sons baptism, hosted in France (the country where my DH is from however we live in England ). (My inlaws insisted it be hosted here). Anyway, our son was very lucky and received lots of lovely gifts from his relatives. However, two gifts in particular caused issues. From a friend of the family, he received a hand crafted silver picture frame (worth quite a bit of money!) . My in laws say that it has to stay in their house, so that the person who gifted it can see it and they can enjoy it. However, we don’t see our in laws very often as they are ‘busy’, maybe twice a year. In addition, they said that we would have to decide together who takes the gold and silver gifts
home, as they want to keep some as a ‘memento’ of the baptism. Am I unreasonable for asking to take all of them home? To where DS lives ? As the gifts were for him. In addition, my husband works away a lot and I’m often caring for my DS alone, and with the help of my parents. I’m concerned that if they stay with my in laws, he will never see them.

OP posts:
AndEverWhoKnew · 16/11/2022 09:26

Although I can see why it's infuriating. It's also slightly hilarious. I'm imaging your ILs running round the house at night moving the frame, hiding the medal. Are you a different religion? I'm wondering if they thought you wouldn't care because a baptism isn't as important to you? They obviously didn't expect to be challenged on their nonsense.
If I was you, I'd either contact the gift givers - 'thank you so much for the gift - loved it - ILs are concerned you'd want it to stay at their home so you could see it but I thought you wanted baby to have it - just want to respect your wishes can you confirm?'
Or I'd contact whoever conducted the baptism - 'hi minister/priest/vicar - ILs are trying to keep baby's gifts and I realise this might be French custom but I feel caught between ILs, gift gifters and baby - baby would love to wear medal, etc - any advice?'
As with all bad behaviour, shine a light on it. Bring it to as big an audience as possible and then see what happens.

Herejustforthisone · 16/11/2022 09:26

Octavia you’d better not leave that house without those gifts. The inlaws are unbelievable.

I’d also second leaving the husband behind. He’s a fucking moron and he’s putting his thieving parents above you and your son.

Original poster
OctaviaWS12 · 16/11/2022 09:30

Ah update for all wondering. I left. And without the frame. They hid it and told me they had already taken it to be put into safe keeping. When I asked, they said not to pursue it any further and blocked my way of seeing if it was still on display in the sitting room. I cried and said they had stolen from their grandson but even my husband didn’t fold at my tears. And, the cherry on top, they had actually taken the silver napkin ring out of my suitcase !! Which I had packed to take home as it was another gift from an aunt with his name engraved on it. I sent the thread to my husband but he has ignored all the messages.
for all wondering, and it sounds strange to hear it from the person, I have never done anything to upset these people. I am young ( 23) and I think they tried to take advantage of my naivety. not sure what else to think!

OP posts:
anonacfr · 16/11/2022 09:30

Fireballxl5 · 16/11/2022 08:26

I’m on a lot of french sm groups and if I’ve learned one thing it’s don’t marry a french man unless you want to be a 50’s housewife, they’re dinosaurs compared to Brits and that’s a pretty low bar!

Show quote history

Ok that's a rather xenophobic generalisation- I say this as a French person who's lived in the UK for a long time.
You only need to read this forum to see that misogyny and patriarchy is alive and well all over the place.

In this case there is nothing normal about the grandparents keeping gifts.
My family is very Catholic and all my cousins and siblings have had their children baptised. The gifts are mementoes that the children will keep for the rest of their lives- they are usually monogrammed and the christening medal will be worn by the children/adults.

The parents keep them until the kids are old enough to wear/use/read them.

AndEverWhoKnew · 16/11/2022 09:31

Maybe they're all family heirloom pieces but now no-one has any money and they all just pretend to give the same gifts over and over again ... but everyone knows they're just for show and get passed on to the next person Grin

Original poster
OctaviaWS12 · 16/11/2022 09:31

Also, I looked back at pictures of the baptism (the gifts were left on the piano in the reception) and there are a lot of things that were missing! So I can only imagine what they were

OP posts:
Original poster
OctaviaWS12 · 16/11/2022 09:32

I, like them am a catholic and I have attended catholic school since a child. Although I am not doubting their Christianity a little bit 🤣🤣

OP posts:
anonacfr · 16/11/2022 09:32

Just saw your update and taking the napkin ring is outrageous!!!
It has your son's name on it- what are they going to do- use it themselves???

And they went through your luggage... that is disgusting.
You need no contact until everything is returned, and ultimatum to your husband. I've never heard anything like it.

fruitbrewhaha · 16/11/2022 09:34

I would be telling DH to retrieve all your son's gifts and bring them home or not return home at all.

Hellno44 · 16/11/2022 09:34

Don't celebrate any other milestones with your inlaws. They ruined this one. They will ruin future ones.

Itsabitnotcold · 16/11/2022 09:35

Do you know the people on Facebook? Send a very polite "I'm really sorry, there's been a little confusion over what you'd like with your gift. MIL has suggested you'd prefer her to keep your gift for DS as you're close to her. I just want to make sure because I was going to take all DSs gifts home with him for him to keep but if you'd rather MIL keep it at her house, that's absolutely fine. We really appreciate the thought and kindness." Then tell MIL you've spoken to her friend and she wants it to go home with you. She'll be embarrassed that everyone knows about her grabbiness but you've been polite and not bitchy or slaggy in your messages and can plead ignorance.

Or just say "OK I don't want to fight over DSs presents, I'll ask gift giver if they would prefer it leaving with you." If you don't want to involve others.

But do not give your sons presents to her!

Hellno44 · 16/11/2022 09:35

I would also question the relationship.

XanaduKira · 16/11/2022 09:36

I'm so sorry Op. You have a massive DH problem & the fact you're so young doesn't bode well for the rest of your married life.

If I were you, I'd get out now before you're any further in, but I appreciate that's easy for me to say but very hard to do.

If you're not minded to leave, I'd go grey rock with his parents. No visits to France, no hosting them in the UK & no interaction at all.

Honestly, I'm so sorry & sad for you as this isn't how marriage / life is meant to be.

Herejustforthisone · 16/11/2022 09:36

You should leave your marriage. Jesus fucking Christ. This is awful. Take your son and run.

gebrokendochter · 16/11/2022 09:36

Ok , she probably doesn't think you'd sell the Octavia, but I'm sure she thinks you are not a worthy custodian, don't realise how irreplaceable they are, and also probably...that in the event your DH and you separate, these items should stay with her. Yep she's there I think.

OP, it is customary for a baby to wear his medal after a baptism, hardcore cathos always wear them, tell her your DS simply has to wear his all the time, you couldn't bear him not wearing it.

AndEverWhoKnew · 16/11/2022 09:36

Yy their RC compassion and generosity is looking a little shaky Grin
On the plus side, you have a fabulous story to tell.
And I'd tell everyone - all family and friends in the UK. Loudly and repeatedly, in front of DH. Let him see how people react to his family's awful behaviour.
(this might not be a very Christian response although to be fair the Bible includes lots of good stories and drama so maybe it is quite Biblical to share stories).

VeganStar · 16/11/2022 09:37

fruitbrewhaha · 16/11/2022 09:34

I would be telling DH to retrieve all your son's gifts and bring them home or not return home at all.

This.

Itsabitnotcold · 16/11/2022 09:38

Just seen your updated. I would genuinely message the gift givers and I wouldn't visit the thieving pricks again.

ChillyB · 16/11/2022 09:39

I’d be going no contact with IL’s.
I’d tell the husband not to bother coming back if he isn’t going to fetch your child’s gifts with him.
They’ve prioritised the value of trinkets over their relationship with you and their child/grandchild. The fall out of that is on them not you. Let them suffer the consequences of it.

AndEverWhoKnew · 16/11/2022 09:39

Going through your case is unforgivable. For that alone, I'd never stay in their house again.

billy1966 · 16/11/2022 09:41

Have you family to support you?

You have married a dud.

You need support from family and friends.

I suspect you are very vulnerable.

Women's aid can support you.

Where are your family?

Did they not want to be there at the christening?

You are the main breadwinner at 23?

This all sounds very strange.

Please reach out for support.

PumpkinPatchy · 16/11/2022 09:41

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Previously banned poster.

plusk · 16/11/2022 09:42

1 the problem is with your husband- he should be talking to his parents and take back your child's gift.
2 those people are thieves, nothing else.
3 Id tell my husband he will take it back, support me, put our family first and ask them to apologize or I will not go back to see them again. I would also say I will not ivite them over.

Original poster
OctaviaWS12 · 16/11/2022 09:45

I am very close with my parents and they live with me most of the time as they love to take care of their grandson. They were appalled by the behaviour of my ILs, considering my parents and I spent more going out there than the costs of the gifts 🤣. I design software for insurance companies - so quite a niche line of work which pays well! And can work from home so can spend lots of time with me son.

OP posts:
pantsville · 16/11/2022 09:46

Ah, I’m sorry it ended this way. They got what they wanted then, but at what cost? What a horrible family, all of them.

I can only assume your husband sees their home as his too, so thinks it’s absolutely fine to have the items there because he has a connection to it. But it’s one thing to ask or suggest to keep something like a frame there, for the reasons they said - and quite another for them all to react like this and steal when told no. Imagine them now having to look at all these symbols every day, of the child they stole from and alienated. I can’t imagine they will feel like they’ve truly “won”, given how it’s all ended.

Im glad you’re out of there now.