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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect husband not to go out the night before son's 6th birthday

120 replies

FluffyWorm · 15/11/2022 17:04

My husband's work do falls on the night before my son's sixth birthday. His birthday party is the weekend before so my husband will be there for that.

Usually when husband goes out the next day will be a right off.

Our son will get up early and want to open presents straight away with both of us.

Yabu - husband can go out
Yanbu - husband should not go out

OP posts:
MsPinkMarshmallow · 15/11/2022 17:05

Why shouldn't he go out the day before? Won't your son be at school during the day? Do you have plans for the day?

Original poster
FluffyWorm · 15/11/2022 17:06

It's in the evening/night, they will probs drink until 4am. It will involve him getting pissed. I don't think he would be able to get up on the morning of his birthday due to being hungover.

OP posts:
lieselotte · 15/11/2022 17:06

It's the night before, not the day. I can't see the issue. If he's a bit hung over during present opening, he'll get over it. In fact if the event was on my son's birthday I'd still go if I wanted to, I'd just celebrate with my son in the daytime or on a different day.

Miss03852 · 15/11/2022 17:07

How old is he?! Can he really not control himself when he goes out to the point he can’t function the next day?

Leeds2 · 15/11/2022 17:08

I don't think I would complain as it is the work's do, and not a date which he could change.

Original poster
FluffyWorm · 15/11/2022 17:08

If it was on his birthday I think I'd be fine with it. I'm just worried about the present opening at 6am probs two hours after my husband would have got home...so he'd probably still be drunk!

OP posts:
CrushedPistachios · 15/11/2022 17:08

Is present opening at 6am really necessary? It’s not Christmas. I

TheYearOfSmallThings · 15/11/2022 17:08

You want your husband to sit in and miss his work party just so he will be well rested while he watches your DS open presents the next day?

Really?

Dailymash · 15/11/2022 17:09

Let him go out! He can either control his drinking and feel fine the next day or have too much and feel awful in which case you can encourage as much noise as possible when he’s opening presents.

Original poster
FluffyWorm · 15/11/2022 17:09

Son normally gets up at 6:30am anyway so not that earlier than usual really

OP posts:
OneTC · 15/11/2022 17:09

Depends if he's at one of those companies where the work do is effectively mandatory

Original poster
FluffyWorm · 15/11/2022 17:10

@Dailymash good plan!!

OP posts:
Original poster
FluffyWorm · 15/11/2022 17:11

@OneTC it's not mandatory

OP posts:
Dartmoorcheffy · 15/11/2022 17:12

Just make your son wait a bit to get his birthday present, 6.30am is ridiculous. Its not like christmas. Or give it to him and your husband misses out on seeing him open it.

HappyToSmile · 15/11/2022 17:12

Let him go out. If he is too drunk/hungover to see/appreciate present opening, that's on him.
My ex ruined Christmas eve & morning every year for me due to drinking. In the end, we gave up waiting and just let him be hungover/asleep. My children didnt really notice and it was him that missed out.

arethereanyleftatall · 15/11/2022 17:12

Yabu. I don't think our lives should revolve around our children to such a huge extent. He will surely be able to be present in the room.

FlounderingFruitcake · 15/11/2022 17:16

I think watching a 6YO open presents at an unnecessarily early hour is a crazy reason to miss a work do the night before tbh. Surely you can both figure out a compromise that involves some combination of your DH not getting utterly shitfaced until 4am, presents later in the day, him going back to bed after the grand present opening.

Original poster
FluffyWorm · 15/11/2022 17:17

Thanks this is definitely helping me to keep things in perspective.

OP posts:
lechatnoir · 15/11/2022 17:18

Echoes others - you can't stop him going out but I would warn him about getting too pissed and make sure he knows he'll be expected to be not only awake but sober and engaged for present opening whatever time DC gets up likely 6:30am. No way would I be tip-toeing around and in our house a birthday means everyone piling into our bed for present opening and whilst I wouldn't care about DH going out the night before, I'd be seriously pissed off if he ruined a child's birthday because he couldn't control his alcohol intake.

Original poster
FluffyWorm · 15/11/2022 17:18

@FlounderingFruitcake yeah I think a good compromise is for him to get up for the present opening and then go back to bed. I really haven't got the heart to tell son to go back to bed on his birthday as soon as he wakes up.

OP posts:
Original poster
FluffyWorm · 15/11/2022 17:19

@lechatnoir exactly! Thank you

OP posts:
balalake · 15/11/2022 17:25

The issue seems to me the amount of alcohol being consumed and the late hour, more than anything.

wackamole · 15/11/2022 17:26

You can't expect him to skip the work do; it has to be up to him if he wants to go and/or feels he needs to go. Everywhere I've worked the "do" has been labelled as optional - but it's noted, in a negative way, if someone doesn't turn up (unless there's a compelling reason). And of course, there can be positive impacts of going.

It's a problem, though, if your husband has form for getting so drunk at a work do that he can't function the next day, and you can't/don't trust him to participate in a planned family event the next day. I'd approach him when you're both relaxed and have a chance to talk privately and remind him that it's the work do on Friday night and Billy's birthday Saturday; Billy will be up at dawn excited to open his presents so Husband should be prepared for that; can he commit to being fit for it? He's an adult; he can moderate his drinking so he's functional for an obligation he has in the morning and still have a good time and fulfil his work/social obligations as well as his family/parental ones.

Also, is it necessary to open presents at dawn? What if you set the expectation that you'll all have breakfast together (with loads of caffeinated coffee for those who need it) at x time and then open the presents? I assume the presents are from both of you so you schedule the time to open them when you all can be there. It's completely within your and your husband's control; just don't give your son the presents until present opening time (of course, let him know in advance when that will be).

FlounderingFruitcake · 15/11/2022 17:28

Presuming your hard wedded to the early present opening then as long as your DH is committed to being an ok state to get up at 6.30, watch enthusiastically without looking like he’s going to vom in the redundant packaging, and then go back to bed for a few hours after then I think it’ll be fine. And of course knowing you get a reciprocal night out and lie in when you next want one! If he’s not then you have bigger problems then the 6YOs birthday presents tbh…

hassletassle · 15/11/2022 18:00

It's in the evening/night, they will probs drink until 4am. It will involve him getting pissed. I don't think he would be able to get up on the morning of his birthday due to being hungover.

On that basis I don't think he should go. If he really can't control himself. Unless your child is happy opening gifts without him?

It's not fair to make a young child wait until lunch time to open presents as daddy can't control his drink and will be lying on his pit until lunchtime.

My daughter turns 5 in December. Her dads work night out is in the nearest city on the Friday night (her birthday), and her birthday party is on the Saturday morning.

He would need to stay in a hotel in the city over night, after work (we live very rurally), and would be an absolute write off the next day when I need him to help with the children and get the party set up. He might not even be back in time. He'd also miss my daughters birthday tea that she will have after school on Friday, which is normally a family thing.

He only recently found out about the Xmas night out... he said "obviously I can't go." And I agreed!