AIBU: Work colleague taking the p***

[Banana2621]

So - I am normally a very sympathetic person but feeling really annoyed by a co-worker who is off sick. We can't help being ill I know that and he will be off for at least another 4 weeks. During that time we have a team lunch to celebrate Christmas. He said he was looking forward to joining us for lunch so I asked when he was due back to work and he said he will wait and see what the doctors say when he goes back in 3 weeks!
AIBU about this? Feeling really annoyed. We are all trying to pick up the slack which is hard work but we are busy. I am not expecting him to come back until he is fit but I certainly would not be able to attend a lunch while off sick! I'm really worried it will naff it up for us in future. Maybe its just me I don't know.
Thoughts please

Blimey.

I’ve been off long term sick a few times (chronic illness) and it’s only been in my current job where I’ve not been made to feel like a problem.

Being unable to work and recovering are two different things.

I’m off sick with horrific vomiting and diarrhoea at the minute, I’m on day five and put a picture on Instagram story of my cosy lit fire and the sunrise over the fields (aka my garden) this morning.
i got a message from my manager asking me to refrain from posting as my colleagues are talking about how I’m clearly fine because im lighting my fire and out with my dog.

you are one of my colleagues.
you don’t know what’s happening, if he’s well enough to make lunch then good on him, it doesn’t mean he’s well enough to work again.

It's hard to return to work after a long absence- staying in contact like this makes it more likely that your colleague will successfully return to work so if it's what he wants to do I'd say it's a good idea.

That is just so utterly inappropriate @TempyBrennan, why is your manager bothering you with that when you are trying to recover? He should be having words with your colleagues not you.

That's shocking. I would forward the messages to HR

If he is off for stress or any MH issue then coming to the Christmas lunch could be a really important part of him starting to feel better and part of normal life again. YABU.

This. It's not your colleague's fault if his workload isn't being managed properly in his absence

Yes exactly!

WTF does his sickness have to do with you? Hint: fuck all

Your manager needs to deal with the workload. You need to keep your beak out.

Yes that’s a perfectly acceptable situation. I was off for several months when I was recovering from cancer (many moons ago) but I distinctly remember going to my work’s Christmas lunch during my absence.

Thanks all. So general consensus is that I am being unreasonable. And I will take that. I asked opinions and thats what I got.

Personally, I couldn't do it but I guess this is where everyone differs.

So to those of you who commented that I "asked and sloped off" no incorrect I was dealing with other things. I don't spend loads of time on here. Sorry I didn't come back as quickly I didn't realise there was a time line.
To those suffering I am sorry I offended you.
I am just a bit frustrated. Little bit of background 5 times long term sick for different things in last 4/5 years that I have been at the company. At least once more in the 7 years he has been there. Maybe I should have added that first.
Oh and no I'm not completely hateful or heartless. I message him daily, have taken him food, have picked up his daughter so she could go and see him for the weekend cos his ex wouldn't help.

Little bit of background 5 times long term sick for different things in last 4/5 years that I have been at the company. At least once more in the 7 years he has been there

Sounds like a long term condition rather than malingering. I have to say I'd be a bit peeved if I found out someone other than my manager was monitoring my times off sick.

@Banana2621 genuinely curious - why couldn’t you do it if you had an illness which was consistent with being well enough to attend a Christmas lunch but too poorly to work… and knowing that seeing your colleagues was likely to make it easier to go back to work / help you get better quicker in the case of some mental health problems?

Little bit of background 5 times long term sick for different things in last 4/5 years that I have been at the company. At least once more in the 7 years he has been there. Maybe I should have added that first.

I admired you for coming back to the post after the majority of MN said you were in the wrong. But this comment is backhanded, you didn't need to add that at all. It STILL makes no difference!

Yes, we've had some excellent temps, I'm always sorry when they move on, but appreciate the time they spend with us.

@Doughnutmum I was signed off for 5 months with MH. I went to the office for my staying in touch days which the company are great at organising but when it came to going for lunch I didn't feel right going. The company pays for the lunch. They were already giving me so much I didn't feel I could take that too.

He's said he'll see closer to the time, depending on doctors advice.. what's wrong with that?

@MrsDanversGlidesAgain not monitoring but having to manage my staff so that I can cover his role - you tend to notice it

You are not housebound necessarily if you're off sick, speak to your boss about sharing the load and have fun with your colleagues at the Xmas meal!

I think it depends why he is off. I’ve had what I would regard as a lot of time off sick, for burnout (3weeks), and a broken ankle (4-6 weeks), and work wanted me to come in for any birthday lunches or special days so I could feel part of the team. My choice was not to attend the evening dinners, but that was simply because I would be exhausted and emotionally labile by evening, and want to curl up in a ball, and didn’t want the focus of attention to be on me when it was someone’s special night out.

I was off sick a few years back after having a hip replacement at 41. On the lead up I was in a wheelchair and worked (looking back I don't know how I managed it) right up until surgery.
After the initial intensive recovery I started to gently get out and about. You're encouraged to walk/do gentle exercise to aid recovery but my god it would exhaust me.
I remember going out for 2 hours for a leaving/retirement do...it took the whole day to plan and a few days to recover but it was amazing seeing my colleagues. They were so supportive.
My point is you've no idea how much hard work/planning that could go into going for this lunch, or how long it may take for him to recover.
Despite all the pre and post pain/tiredness I'd go again in a heartbeat as seeing my friends from work was the best medicine ever.
Don't judge on what you don't know.....so yes, YABU.

There's a big difference between being well enough to sit and have lunch for a couple of hours and being well enough to return to work.

I'm currently off sick - I can leave the house to go for lunch, do some shopping, even attended a short work meeting but I'm not well enough to do my job.

It's absolutely not your place to decide what he is well enough to do, and this attitude that if you're not bed bound then you should be in work is the reason people feel pressured into working when they are unwell.

If it's government YANBU. People always have 5.5 months off and go back when the pay drops.
They are usually lazy bastards

Wow. So they're supposed set at home all day and Stare at 4 walls and not have any fun in life at all?
I had a major operation last year, my boss told me please make sure you get out of the house, dont stay locked in, we know why you're off.

If he was out raving every night and going on long luxury holidays, you might have a point. But he is going to see his colleagues for a lunch, at xmas.....

Hope you're never ill and stuck in the house for a long period OP. Most people work through the day and you don't see anyone. Its bloody horrible and depressing and leads to longer recovery times!

I agree, as a manager it's challenging managing long-term sickness as you can't recruit because youre still paying the person unable to work and are reliant on carving up their job around the team, delaying projects etc. It doesn't make you any less sympathetic for the person going through a shit time, as wouldn't wish that on anyone and its right that companies support them, but it does impact the immediate team which is hard to manage long term. I've encouraged one of our team members on sick leave to come to socials to help them stay in touch. They'll typically stay for an hour or two but it helps on both sides as the team can ask how they're doing etc and the person still feels connected. It tends to reduce rather than enhance any tensions.

I have a chronic relapsing serious mental illness that my new workplace don't know about (they literally never asked during or after recruitment which is surprising). I just couldn't have gone in yesterday and I am gutted that I am getting poorly again. I haven't plucked up the courage to tell them the real reason while I am self certifying.

I still think there are (clearly) negative attitudes to sickness and sick leave. The way my employer and colleagues handle this for me will probably be the difference between me being able to stay in this job and not.