To think “friends” don’t text each other like this?

[harrystylish]

boyfriend speaks about this ex sometimes and says they are friends. They live in different parts of the country and split 2 years ago.

there’s some from him that I’m a bit pissed off about eg “nice tan 😉 been away?” but then others like “can I call you?” at like 2am in the morning and then “I wish I could call you whenever I wanted to 😔” wtf?

The contact isn’t constant, but it’s always lingering in the background. they can go a few months not talking but then back to late night FaceTiming and phone calls, planning days out.

they do meet up occasionally and spend a lot of time together when they do - eg a whole day. I don’t think they’re sleeping together.

it sounds pathetic but he’s still got her name saved in his phone as his pet name for her with Emojis next to it and it makes me feel uncomfortable.

all this and they’ve got each other blocked on social media, it just doesn’t make sense. Call logs of 4 hour phone calls though.

How do you know if it really is just friends? Something feels off but deep down I don’t think he’s cheating

He’s emotionally cheating by being so connected to his ex and not you

This isn't normal and if he tries to convince you it is, run a mile. Plus it already sounds like he's cheating on you with her, 4 hour phones calls? lady get a grip on this!

Also although blocked on social media, he'll have her added under some other name

They aren’t over each other

Whether or not this is an 'affair', an 'emotional affair' or whatever is irrelevant. It's quite apparent that he isn't over her (and probably vice-versa). Whether this leads to anything and they end up back together is irrelevant also, it's simply not a health basis for your relationship.

I've got friends who are exes and that's fine (my wife is the same). However, I did try and be 'friends' with an ex (again, from a while ago and in a completely different part of the country) and it didn't feel right, it felt like there was still a little 'something' which I couldn't put my finger on.

I'm very happily married and love my wife more than anything so I cut all communication with said ex as, although I had ZERO intentions of anything coming from it, it just didn't feel right and my marriage was my priority.

I’m sorry but this is a big no for me, I wouldn’t be with him still if he was doing all this

I don’t understand why they go periods without speaking though. Last year they spoke constantly through lockdown and summer, stopped in like November and then started again this year and seemingly haven’t spoken for a few weeks now. Surely if you weren’t over someone you’d want to speak to them all the time?

Boyfriend said they weren’t even together that long so I don’t understand the need to keep in contact. The messages aren’t short either - they’re long basically essays to each other about their days, what they think of topical stuff, what their opinion on something is.

They send each other photos - her of herself at a wedding, and he sent her a selfie showing his “new hair”. What’s the need?

They’ve not spoken for a few weeks now but I just know it will start up again - I don’t get it.

They’re not just friends, no way. Doesn’t mean he’s literally cheating on you but they’re very hung up on each other. I couldn’t be in a relationship with someone who felt that deeply about someone else who isn’t me.

They still sounds like they are in love with each other, I would run a mile.

That's not normal messages between friends. Totally inappropriate.

They are not just friends. I'm genuinely friends with my ex who was a childhood bf of a few years. There's no need to hide it. His gfs lovely.

Put it this way. If my DP was texting his ex like this, he'd also be my ex.

then why do they go through periods of not speaking?

I don’t understand the breaks they have in their contact. They go a few weeks/months and then pick up where they left off. Why?

Yeah definitely not normal. Even if they're not cheating they are definitely both emotionally invested in each other in a way which is not consistent with him being in a new relationship.

I'd walk if I were you.

I can't speak for your boyfriend and his ex but I have a very similar relationship with mine (we are both single). Months without talking but very intimate when we do - it's because we're not over each other but end up falling out or taking a break to try and move on before coming back, sorry OP.

@harrystylish

then why do they go through periods of not speaking?
I don’t understand the breaks they have in their contact. They go a few weeks/months and then pick up where they left off. Why?

Because they both know what they are doing is a) wrong and b) prolonging the agony. They are trying to break the habit but neither of them is able to cut the contact permanently.

Because she was the one to finish it and when they don't speak shes with other people and she sees him as "just a friend"? and hes hanging round like a puppy dog waiting for her to see sense and come back?

Exactly what I was going to say. They know its inappropriate and are trying to behave themselves...and failing.

What’s there to understand about the breaks though? The fact that this carries on and that it happening again in the future is inevitable is surely enough to ditch him?

He’s not over her. Many of us do a bit of harmless ex stalking after a break up but this level of engagement is not right. The whole “were still friends” makes no sense when they live miles apart and were only together for a short time as basically lovers. That’s an excuse.

Doesn't sound great even if they're not realistically going to get back together. I'm good friends with an ex but there's no 4hr phone calls, flirty comments about tans, or sad faces because it would no longer be appropriate to ring at 2am. He's met my bf. Sorry to say but it sounds a bit unresolved to me. I don't know what outcome either has in mind but I think you should decide whether you're happy having this rumbling on in the background.

She’s probably dating someone else whenever they stop talking.

And then when she’s lost interest in/broken up with the other chap they start messaging again.

Female/Male friendships are often like this - my best mate of 20 years is a bloke and when we’re both single we text all the time/accompany each other to events where plus ones are expected. We just kinda lapse into boyfriend/girlfriend roles (just without any sex! Eurgh. He’s a brother to me, not a lover 😬)

However if one of us is seeing someone we dial our communications right back because we’re using that intimate friendship/late night text energy on our relationship instead.

Doesn’t matter which one of us is the single one, we both just instinctively back off because it’s not cool to be playing at a faux-relationship when you have a real-relationship.

That your boyfriend trades relationship-ish texts with his ex despite being with you suggests he’s more interested in her than she is in him.

if you aren’t in a kids/living together relationship I would consider walking away - you deserve someone who saves that particular energy for you.

Because they know its wrong because he is in a relationship (not sure of her) and stop and then get drawn in.
If they weren't together long, they don't have long standing history to discuss e. G. Memories or friends

He ended it with her.

I’m aware she had a boyfriend last year, which prompted my boyfriend to stop speaking to her. He must’ve found out they split though because he started speaking to her again and she’s single now. It’s always my boyfriend who restarts the communication though. I didn’t read many messages but she just seems friendly.

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Does it really matter why?? I'd absolutely lose my shit if it were my boyfriend and certainly would not be in a relationship with him.

He is 100% still in love with her and you are convenient - I'm really sorry to be so harsh but please don't waste your time with him! Have you ever asked him about this?

I don’t understand why they go periods without speaking though. Last year they spoke constantly through lockdown and summer, stopped in like November and then started again this year and seemingly haven’t spoken for a few weeks now. Surely if you weren’t over someone you’d want to speak to them all the time?

You'll send yourself mad with all the 'Why?'s

You really will.

Ultimately it doesn't matter - they are not through with each other and their behaviour spells that out very clearly. Do yourself a justice and don't get caught up in the middle any more than you have already. Go and find someone who has their whole heart free to give...