To think “friends” don’t text each other like this?

[harrystylish]

boyfriend speaks about this ex sometimes and says they are friends. They live in different parts of the country and split 2 years ago.

there’s some from him that I’m a bit pissed off about eg “nice tan 😉 been away?” but then others like “can I call you?” at like 2am in the morning and then “I wish I could call you whenever I wanted to 😔” wtf?

The contact isn’t constant, but it’s always lingering in the background. they can go a few months not talking but then back to late night FaceTiming and phone calls, planning days out.

they do meet up occasionally and spend a lot of time together when they do - eg a whole day. I don’t think they’re sleeping together.

it sounds pathetic but he’s still got her name saved in his phone as his pet name for her with Emojis next to it and it makes me feel uncomfortable.

all this and they’ve got each other blocked on social media, it just doesn’t make sense. Call logs of 4 hour phone calls though.

How do you know if it really is just friends? Something feels off but deep down I don’t think he’s cheating

yup. speaking from personal experience.

No way. I wouldn't even bother getting angry. I'd be out the door like a shot. He loves her still. He doesn't respect you. No man with any respect for you would entertain a relationship with an ex partner like this

Run as fast as you can in the other direction.

I wouldn't be surprised if they sleep together, then stop talking because of the guilt etc but then start talking again as they can't keep away from each other.

Whatever it is, it's absolutely not something you should be putting up with.

I'm friends with my ex, we were together for 3 years throughout uni and broke up when he had to move to another country in 2016. We message probably once a week, FaceTime maybe once a month. I don't see him and haven't seen him in person since pre-pandemic although he has just moved back to the UK.

If he sent me messages like that I'd think he was being a bit weird, but occasionally he will say "love you" maybe on a birthday text or something. I don't find it that weird because that's the kind of thing my friends and I say to each other 🤷🏻‍♀️ I can categorically say we do not have romantic feelings for each other and haven't for years - I'm engaged and pregnant and my fiancé has no issue with the friendship but I am very transparent about it and nothing is hidden or secretive.

I don't think 4 hour calls are that weird considering they don't live near each other or see each other often so when they do speak there will be a lot to catch up on!

I find it strange that they stopped speaking whilst she had a boyfriend - if you're truly just friends there isn't a reason to stop? But it's possible her boyfriend had an issue? With the social media thing, my ex and I had each other blocked for years - initially it was done to help us transition from romantic to friends by being able to choose what we ask/not having their social media thrown in our faces. We're obviously not blocked anymore!

This is not on, I would accept he is not fully committed and move on.

This sounds like me and my ex when we were in our 20s. Because of him working away, our relationship just didn't work. But we loved each other. We continued on like this for years, we couldn't let go.

However, in my situation, there was no one else involved. Do you have quire low self esteem?

To me it sounds like they get on really well and really like each other but obviously not enough for a relationship- more a fraternal/friend relationship.

Because otherwise they would be together, right? Nothing stopping them.

He isn't over her. Even though he was the one to break it off. If he didn't want to be with her he wouldn't bother keeping this going.

He perhaps doesn't want to be with her in a bf/gf sense, but he definitely likes her attention and wants something from/with her. And that something is entirely inappropriate given he is in a relationship with you.

And unfortunately, I am sorry to say that if they met up, it would likely lead to something physical. Men are so bloody predictable.

If they were really just friends and good friends at that, the messaging would be normal and innocent and not pining for each other type stuff. It also wouldn't stop when she is seeing someone else.

It EA if nothing else. How do you know so much about his phone records though? You obviously don't trust him.

Honestly? I had a relationship in my 20s/ 30s where we weren't "right" but we were drawn to each other. We kept coming back to each other, even though we were around better situations for both of us. It was dysfunctional but also very hot. When I realised, for him, he'd started seeing someone, and effectively continuing would be an affair I finally broke free. But it wasn't easy.

That's one reason why some people have seemingly deep connections but intermittently. He would have 100% had an affair over the situation too. Made me very cynical about relationships for a while. Too many will cheat.

4 hour phone calls to a friend is not normal. Nor is calling at 2am, or telling them you wish you could call any time you wanted.

I think PPs are right - they're not over each other. That's nobody's fault. What IS wrong is using you as the fall-back option. You deserve better than to be the back-up plan for someone whose mind (if not heart) is elsewhere.

And as PPs have also said - don't go down the "why this, why that" path, you'll end up twisting your brain like a pretzel, trying to justify, understand and make sense of it all. It doesn't really matter all that much if he's cheating or not, or what the definition of cheating is, or whether you're being reasonable or not. What matters is your self-respect and self-worth. Would you advise a friend to hang about, hoping for the crumbs of someone's affections?

I think you need to let him go. It's not about demanding to be the centre of his world - if you have to ask someone to pay you attention, it's not worth it. It's not about kicking his cheating ass out either. It's about you, taking care of yourself, protecting your heart, and walking away with dignity.

Sorry, he's not your boyfriend he's hers (and a shit one too).

Sorry op this would be a massive deal breaker for me. He's over involved with her, even if they not being physical or sexual it's still an emotional affair. Sadly clearly they aren't over each other. This is not just being friends with your ex!

Have you talked about marriage with your boyfriend? I would talk about a serious commitment with him, it may make you both think about the future of this relationship? He also needs to be honest and stop wasting your time if he's still in love with his ex. I think he sounds to be cheating on you and your instincts are right.

I don’t understand why they go periods without speaking though. Last year they spoke constantly through lockdown and summer, stopped in like November and then started again this year and seemingly haven’t spoken for a few weeks now. Surely if you weren’t over someone you’d want to speak to them all the time?

I used to be like this with my ex. It's because I was in love with him. I could go about my business most of the time and be fine with the fact that I loved him, but then something would happen - bad day, something that reminded me of him - and I'd be back to messaging him, then back to messaging every week then every day. If I could have spent days with him I would have.

I don't think 4 hour calls are that weird considering they don't live near each other or see each other often so when they do speak there will be a lot to catch up on!

Sorry, 4 hour calls are extremely weird, even between established partners, let alone exes. Who even has time for that? I wouldn't spend that long on the phone to my partner.

It's one thing if you are both single, haven't quite cut the ties and are still plugging an emotional gap for the other person. This happens quite a lot. I've done in with exes.

But if either of the parties is in a new relationship it's highly disrespectful to that person and just incompatible with moving on. At that point you move on and create a respectful distance.

Why on earth would you discuss marriage with someone who is emotionally cheating on you? This is terrible advice.

@Thepeopleversuswork I wouldn't spend that long on the phone to my partner because I live with him and see him every day 😂 but I have friends who live far away from me that I don't see, it's not unusual for us to spend hours on FaceTime when we catch up - maybe to you my friends and I are just extremely weird but to me it's quite normal, especially if a lot has happened recently! An average call is probably two hours and I have time for it because I work 9-5 so have evenings free, and no kids (yet).

@NalaNana

Maybe. But doing it with an ex partner when you're in a new relationship is disrespectful.

walk away

@Thepeopleversuswork I think it depends on how he sees her. I don't consider my friendship with my ex disrespectful to my fiancé at all (and neither does he!)

Does it matter why? They are still very much into each other and you are the consolation prize. It's shit and painful but better you know.

That is called emotionally cheating. It is still cheating.

Even if somehow someone says they cam be friends with their ex you can't go back to being close as you are 100% tempting fate.
Friends - Amicable sure. Friends - doing what you described. Uh that sounds like an emotional relationship and maybe more.

I would be interestes to see how he reacts when you brooch this. Will he gass light you. The majority of people agree this is gone past the level of a healthy friendship for an EX.

Even me with my Best mates is cant speak 4 hours in the phone to when I have a husband and life. The only person I coyld do that with is my.... Husband!

Interesting that when she had a boyfriend it stopped but he's got a girlfriend and he's happy to carry on

It makes you uncomfortable
That's all that matters
Walk away

That's hard OP. You're not his one true love, are you? He's into her and at some point he'll either leave you for her, or leave you for someone else who comes along and turns his head.

You're worth more than that, don't be his stand-in.