To think “friends” don’t text each other like this?

[harrystylish]

boyfriend speaks about this ex sometimes and says they are friends. They live in different parts of the country and split 2 years ago.

there’s some from him that I’m a bit pissed off about eg “nice tan 😉 been away?” but then others like “can I call you?” at like 2am in the morning and then “I wish I could call you whenever I wanted to 😔” wtf?

The contact isn’t constant, but it’s always lingering in the background. they can go a few months not talking but then back to late night FaceTiming and phone calls, planning days out.

they do meet up occasionally and spend a lot of time together when they do - eg a whole day. I don’t think they’re sleeping together.

it sounds pathetic but he’s still got her name saved in his phone as his pet name for her with Emojis next to it and it makes me feel uncomfortable.

all this and they’ve got each other blocked on social media, it just doesn’t make sense. Call logs of 4 hour phone calls though.

How do you know if it really is just friends? Something feels off but deep down I don’t think he’s cheating

As an adult - married I have best friends of 10+years who I don't see due to them being in other countries and we NEVER speak that long on the phone.
We are adults, have husbands, have families and work etc.

Maybe when I was bored 15 years old stuck at home with nothing else better to do.

So they behaviour is not excusable.

Honestly, it sounds as if they don’t speak when she’s seeing someone, but the second she’s free again they’re back in contact. It sounds as if he is her ego massage when she’s single and he is willing to take whatever he can get from her.
he is being very disrespectful towards you.

@MixedCouple it's a shame you haven't got much time for your friendships! I'm also an adult btw, with a full time career, fiancé and a baby on the way - far from a 15 year old sat at home.

What’s there to understand about the breaks though? The fact that this carries on and that it happening again in the future is inevitable is surely enough to ditch him?

I was thinking the same thing. Does it even matter why there’s breaks in the communication. You can see for yourself that the communication still continues and you just said that it’s your boyfriend who always starts the conversation anyway! You need to get rid, I’m sure he knows what he’s doing is crossing the line

He is strongly romantically attached to her. He still talks to her because he knows he can get away with it and still have you "in the flesh". Would anyone really put up with this behaviour though? It must be making you feel absolutely terrible.

How long have you been with him for? If your not comfortable with it then leave him?

I have a male friend that I talk too every day, we message, we see each other every couple of weeks and sometimes call each other for a chat, he is someone I date briefly but didn’t feel that kind of connection with, he’s now one of my best friends, I would never consider dating him again or having any kind of sexual relationship with him. So there is a small possibility that they are just friends.

Its also possibly that he like the fact he has her to fall back on if things don’t work out with you? He ended it with her so in his head he thinks she would have him back one day?

Anyway, if you haven’t been together long and you feel he is being unfaithful then there’s nothing stopping you from ditching him.

OP he really is just taking the piss, as others have said the long absences are just him/them "trying" to behave or worse him backing off in a sulk because she's dating someone else, but he keeps starting it back up again.

If it is your boyfriend who keeps initiating contact btw definitely pull the plug. This is an emotional affair, pointless chasing your tail asking why. Why does anyone have an affair or an on and off relationship. He's a shit that's why.

The breaks are irrelevant don't be daft, he's cheating on you in plain sight. Who knows what they talk about 4 hours at time on the phone where you can't see.

I’m aware she had a boyfriend last year, which prompted my boyfriend to stop speaking to her. He must’ve found out they split though because he started speaking to her again and she’s single now. It’s always my boyfriend who restarts the communication though. I didn’t read many messages but she just seems friendly.

Her seeing another man makes him jealous or makes him back off because he sees her as belonging to someone else.

When she's single he's like a dog in heat. If she wanted him back tomorrow he'd leave.

Sorry OP.

Your boyfriend isn't over her. She probably stops the contact because he's too much.

You have a boyfriend problem. Tbh, run a mile. Not worth it.

I think she’s still into him, he’s usually the one who stops the conversation and then restarts it at a later date.

Id understand if they’d been together years and broken up, but they weren’t together a long time at all. They went to an art exhibition a few months ago which lasted all day and well into the evening - I don’t think that’s a normal thing to do with an ex even if you don’t have a girlfriend?

The selfie thing pissed me off so much - he was topless in the gym - why do you need to be topless to send a picture of your hair?

i feel weird bringing it up now as they haven’t spoken for weeks, I wouldn’t know how to start the conversation.

Because they are each others comfort and person basically. The second he knows she’s available his back there again sniffing around again, she talks for a while but when he doesn’t recommit she finds someone else. He backs off, she becomes single again, he sniffs around she gives him a chance again rinse repeat.

They clearly have a dysfunctional relationship with each other and maybe will actually get back together one day but his not being fair to you, to keep sniffing around and blocking on social media yet four hour calls is to make you feel better. Likely his blocked her and not the other way around.

YABU to still be with him.

I am the least jealous/possessive person you could find. My DHs first love, they were engaged nearly 60 year ago, has always phoned him. He thinks it's hilarious that she is still making her play for him. Just before covid they were both going to an old friends funeral and she suggested they stay overnight int he same hotel. I've told him I'll tie him up in pink ribbon if she wants him that much. However, I would not be impressed with 4 hr phone calls, a ten minute polite catch up is fine but 4 hrs? No that isn't on in my book.

There's a similar thread on here and I have definitely been in this position myself. I absolutely believe that men and women can be friends but I also believe that the friendship must me respectful of respective partners.

I would say, if it's enough to make you uncomfortable, it's enough to have a discussion with your partner about how you are feeling. He is the only one that can give you the peace of mind/assurance you are seeking.

Tbh I think everyone is saying the same thing but you're not listening.

So you either address it or suck it up.

Been there, done that and they ended up cheating behind my back, they went on to get married, have children and then he slept with her sister so they split up. They used to ring each other and spend hours talking. They’d slept together previously but apparently they were “just friends”. Honestly OP, I’ve learned my lesson please open your eyes don’t be naive like I was!

The answer to all of your questions is that he's still into her.

Ignore it if you like, and try and wrestle his behaviour into something else, but it's plain as plain can be to everyone on the thread apart from you.

Why do they do it? Only they know.

Do you like it? If not, which would be reasonable to me (I don't spend four hours on the phone to anyone, and haven't since I was a lovesick teen) then it's ok to be honest with yourself that this isn't good enough for you and end it.

You can do better than spending your life second guessing this kind of shit, there are plenty of men out there who will not treat you like an option.

It sounds like he wants to keep her on the back burner just in case. He doesn't bother when she's got a BF but as soon as she's single he wants to try to keep her around as his back up.

She is Plan B. She is someone who does not have your best interests at heart so he knows at any time he could complain about his relationship and she would lap it up. He gets a huge ego boost - ex is still on the cards! She gets a lot of attention when she wants it and she hasn’t got another man.

It’s never going to be beneficial to you or your relationship. And he sounds like he loves it so I would question if he’s mature enough for a relationship.

Ive never kept in touch with an ex after maybe a few months, this is years!

The phone calls have happened twice this year (4 hours each over FaceTime) not everyday. The messages they send each other after everyday either, just quite a lot of them all in one go a few times a week.

Come on OP. You know this isn't right.

You don't text an ex saying you wish you could call them whenever, phone them at 2am or send topless selfies.

It's massively disrespectful to you.

Just end it. Don't try and get your head around it or let him convince you it's fine. Be thankful for your lucky escape and move on.

I assume you know about the messages because you've been on his devices rather than he's shown you? If that's the case, you either have to come clean to have the conversation, or let him know that you're feeling uneasy about their friendship and ask him to show you them. If he won't then he doesn't see this girl as a friend and doesn't think he can justify it.

Honestly if my partner asked me to end my friendship with my ex I'd be upset but I would in a heartbeat if I thought it was a dealbreaker. You should be the priority after all!