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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think “friends” don’t text each other like this?

103 replies

harrystylish · 15/11/2022 13:25

boyfriend speaks about this ex sometimes and says they are friends. They live in different parts of the country and split 2 years ago.

there’s some from him that I’m a bit pissed off about eg “nice tan 😉 been away?” but then others like “can I call you?” at like 2am in the morning and then “I wish I could call you whenever I wanted to 😔” wtf?

The contact isn’t constant, but it’s always lingering in the background. they can go a few months not talking but then back to late night FaceTiming and phone calls, planning days out.

they do meet up occasionally and spend a lot of time together when they do - eg a whole day. I don’t think they’re sleeping together.

it sounds pathetic but he’s still got her name saved in his phone as his pet name for her with Emojis next to it and it makes me feel uncomfortable.

all this and they’ve got each other blocked on social media, it just doesn’t make sense. Call logs of 4 hour phone calls though.

How do you know if it really is just friends? Something feels off but deep down I don’t think he’s cheating

OP posts:
TheyreOnlyNoodlesMichael · 15/11/2022 16:43

Jennybeans401 · 15/11/2022 14:51

Have you talked about marriage with your boyfriend? I would talk about a serious commitment with him, it may make you both think about the future of this relationship? He also needs to be honest and stop wasting your time if he's still in love with his ex. I think he sounds to be cheating on you and your instincts are right.

what the fuck?! why? there's no cock shortage you know. OP can just chuck this duff one back into the pool and start again.

TheyreOnlyNoodlesMichael · 15/11/2022 16:44

OP just bin him. Goodness me there's more to life than desperately hanging onto men who don't want to be with you. Throw this one back, work on yourself a bit and then start dating again when you have raised the bar!

Igglepiggleslittletoe · 15/11/2022 16:50

I would guess she stops communication when she mee ts someone and is dating them as she does not want to taint that relationship but when shes single she doesnt mind tainting yours. As for him, he is a twat sending half naked selfies looking for compliments. This is not a friendship.

pictish · 15/11/2022 17:04

I’m not the jealous sort but I’d not tolerate this. He is still entangled with her, whatever they want to call it.
Too shabby for me.

Miriam101 · 15/11/2022 17:12

Run, run like the wind!

ShimmyYaYaYay · 15/11/2022 17:14

I'd find this highly embarrassing. He's making a mockery of you. Does she not ask where his girlfriend is?

Where are you during these 4 hour and 2am calls? Do you live together?

ForgetBarbie · 15/11/2022 17:16

harrystylish · 15/11/2022 15:56

I think she’s still into him, he’s usually the one who stops the conversation and then restarts it at a later date.

Id understand if they’d been together years and broken up, but they weren’t together a long time at all. They went to an art exhibition a few months ago which lasted all day and well into the evening - I don’t think that’s a normal thing to do with an ex even if you don’t have a girlfriend?

The selfie thing pissed me off so much - he was topless in the gym - why do you need to be topless to send a picture of your hair?

i feel weird bringing it up now as they haven’t spoken for weeks, I wouldn’t know how to start the conversation.

Why are people still commenting you clearly aren’t able to bring it up let alone leave the bastard. There’s no point of any of us giving anymore advice

Sithe · 15/11/2022 17:19

Whats you’re boyfriend’s name? 🤣

Cause my ex did all you describe word for word.

And when I became his ex he did the same to his new gf with me (I didn’t know he has a new gf though).

I imagine he is in touch with all his exes still - some people just can’t let go. He’s not with me but only cos I blocked him when I got a new bf.

Gymnopedie · 15/11/2022 17:19

The phone calls have happened twice this year (4 hours each over FaceTime) not everyday. The messages they send each other after everyday either, just quite a lot of them all in one go a few times a week.

OP you keep trying to minimise what he's doing. Are you trying to convince us - or yourself?

You keep asking why...this, that or the other. What you actually hope we'll give is an innocent explanation.

If you want to stay with him that's your call. But please don't deliberately blind yourself to what he's doing. As PPs have said, it goes quiet when she has a bf. But he leaps in like a ferret after a rabbit when she's not. It shows that he doesn't respect you because he doesn't extend that courtesy to his own relationship with you.

like everyone else I urge you to get rid, but if you don't please be aware that this isn't going to stop and you will always have that worry in the back of your mind - is he or isn't he?

Sithe · 15/11/2022 17:20

Ps you ask why they are blocked on SM and stop talking start talking. Stop when she gets a bf. again experiencened exactly the same, think some people enjoy the drama of it

FeetupTvon · 15/11/2022 17:38

Yes, this is very odd.
I’d run a mile.

Pamlar · 15/11/2022 17:38

Op, there's some unfinished business between them and they both get a kick out of being in touch when they need an ego massage or whatever...
It doesn't really matter what's actually going on -it's weird and it's making you feel uncomfortable. I wouldn't wait to be humiliated or messed around or left heart broken -just end it. Who needs the games and uncertainty?

Blossomtoes · 15/11/2022 17:49

I’m the least jealous person on the planet but this would be too much for me.

Whatwouldyado · 15/11/2022 17:55

He has ALLLL THE FEELINGS for her

leave him for your own sanity

VBF · 15/11/2022 17:57

Thepeopleversuswork · 15/11/2022 14:01

@harrystylish

then why do they go through periods of not speaking?
I don’t understand the breaks they have in their contact. They go a few weeks/months and then pick up where they left off. Why?

Because they both know what they are doing is a) wrong and b) prolonging the agony. They are trying to break the habit but neither of them is able to cut the contact permanently.

This exactly. Been there myself when I've tried to cut contact but drifted back after a few weeks or months. At its longest we ignored each other for 6 months but still went back. This went on for years and both of us knew it was wrong but couldn't clean cut until we had to make a clean cut of it. OP he may not be physically cheating but it is so wrong what he is doing...

Thepeopleversuswork · 15/11/2022 18:13

harrystylish · 15/11/2022 15:56

I think she’s still into him, he’s usually the one who stops the conversation and then restarts it at a later date.

Id understand if they’d been together years and broken up, but they weren’t together a long time at all. They went to an art exhibition a few months ago which lasted all day and well into the evening - I don’t think that’s a normal thing to do with an ex even if you don’t have a girlfriend?

The selfie thing pissed me off so much - he was topless in the gym - why do you need to be topless to send a picture of your hair?

i feel weird bringing it up now as they haven’t spoken for weeks, I wouldn’t know how to start the conversation.

You don't have to justify it. You just say it isn't working for you and you're ending it.

If he asks why, you say you're not prepared to be in a relationship with someone who is still emotionally committed elsewhere. You're convincing yourself that she is still into him but the bottom line is he isn't doing much to stop it. If he was serious about you he would have drawn a line under it by now.

At the moment he has the best of both worlds. He is physically with you and emotionally with her and he's shown you where his priorities are. I don't know anything about you but I'm sure you deserve better.

Nymeria6 · 15/11/2022 18:21

Jesus christ I'd either be asking him to this with immediate affect or run a mile depending on reaction. In no way is this OK.

I'm really sorry but I think you should prepare yourself for heartbreak. Don't be gaslit by him either.

Thoughts are with you.

TheNinny · 15/11/2022 19:49

The breaks will be when she’s seeing someone else. I had an Xmas who’s ex was like this. Think it made her feel validated somehow and he was definitely still into her. He didn’t last long

TheNinny · 15/11/2022 19:50

…ex not Xmas obviously 🙄😆

AcrossthePond55 · 15/11/2022 19:57

@harrystylish

Here's the thing. You can love someone madly, but that doesn't mean they're right for you. It's quite possible that although one or both of them realized that they wouldn't make it 'long term' due to some 'compatibility thing', the love is still there. That can also be the reason they seem to ebb and flow. One starts a relationship or the incompatibility raises its head so they drift apart. The relationship ends or time passes so they are drawn to each other again, as 'friends'. Then the cycle begins again.

On one hand you don't have the right to pick his 'friends' but on the other hand you also don't have to live feeling 'second place'. That decision is up to you.

1FootInTheRave · 15/11/2022 20:15

Oh c'mon op.

You know this isn't acceptable.

Get some self respect.

Original poster
harrystylish · 15/11/2022 20:30

He hasn’t been in a relationship with anyone since her so i think you all are saying what I knew deep down - he either wants her back/loves her or likes the attention.

The reason he stopped speaking to her when her boyfriend came on the scene last year was because she said she couldn’t stay over at his place (this is before we got together) he just drifted off after that and then started texting her again this year not knowing she had broken up with her boyfriend.

OP posts:
Original poster
harrystylish · 15/11/2022 20:30

AcrossthePond55 · 15/11/2022 19:57

@harrystylish

Here's the thing. You can love someone madly, but that doesn't mean they're right for you. It's quite possible that although one or both of them realized that they wouldn't make it 'long term' due to some 'compatibility thing', the love is still there. That can also be the reason they seem to ebb and flow. One starts a relationship or the incompatibility raises its head so they drift apart. The relationship ends or time passes so they are drawn to each other again, as 'friends'. Then the cycle begins again.

On one hand you don't have the right to pick his 'friends' but on the other hand you also don't have to live feeling 'second place'. That decision is up to you.

Can you really love someone after such a short relationship though? It lasted months, I just can’t see why they can’t cut the cord now

OP posts:
MixedCouple · 15/11/2022 20:36

NalaNana · 15/11/2022 15:26

@MixedCouple it's a shame you haven't got much time for your friendships! I'm also an adult btw, with a full time career, fiancé and a baby on the way - far from a 15 year old sat at home.

My friends have their own families - 3/4 kids, work.and husbands and families to look after..
If they spent 4 hours a day calling mates and staying up all night socialising I would be deepley comcerned about the wealthfair of their families and children.

I have time for mates but I have priorities. We have to arrange suitable times to speak and so video calls or plan in the future for meet ups. At is occasional. My family and my 12 month old baby, expecrinf my next and my home are prioritse. That's normal for grown responsible adults.

Herejustforthisone · 15/11/2022 21:09

Wake up, OP. Seriously. This is fucked. He is being utterly disrespectful to you.