Should I change my sons name to please my MIL?

[97DS]

Ever since we found out baby was going to be a boy DH and I have had his name chosen. MIL has made subtle digs throughout pregnancy at how she’s not a fan of the name, and if we’ve considered anything else. I just dodge the question and ignore it because I don’t have the energy to argue with her. She can be very opinionated and very stubborn.
baby is now a week old, and not officially registered yet but we have announced his full name to friends/family/social media.
MIL has gone out of her way at every opportunity to make a comment on his name. Even after a traumatic birth which landed me in theatre with major haemorrhaging, her first text to DH was asking what baby’s name is going to be.

She’s been talking to family behind our back saying how disappointed she is, as well as pulling DH aside to privately ask if we would change the name. MIL is purposely avoiding saying his name, and has opted to calling him Jnr instead… That’s just the issue with his 1st name. Keep reading…

she also has a massive issue with his middle name too. DH has 2 middle names (X & Y) and when we chose baby’s name, we decided to use middle name Y so it followed the family tree as a tribute to the dads (Y runs quite far back in the male side of the family tree) and also, Y is my fathers middle name too so it seemed very sentimental to us all.
We’ve had a lot of compliments on his name from DH’s side of the family because we chose middle name Y. But MIL has kicked off BIG TIME. Pulling out crocodile tears and directly asking DH to change the middle name to something that tributes MIL’s family instead.
However, there’s only 2 male names to pick from if we were to consider it, and both names are awful, I genuinely don’t like them, and they don’t even go with baby boys 1st name, and would make the surname seem like a mouthful if you were to say it out loud.
My argument is, it’s not her baby so it’s not her business what his name is. She had the opportunity 30 years ago to tribute her family and that’s why DH’s middle name is X. But baby’s name isn’t meant to be a tribute to her family, it’s a tribute to DH’s family, as well as my own.

Yes we could just keep the peace and add a 2nd middle name that she wants, but I don’t want that. As his mother, I should be the one who has final say and I don’t want him to have 2 middle names, and I certainly don’t want to change his name under the pressure and influence of MIL. DH has agreed with me throughout pregnancy what his name is, but now MIL is getting into his head and playing a guilt card, DH is now having 2nd thoughts because he doesn’t like to upset MIL. I know it’s not what he wants either but his MIL is so good at minipulating everything to get her own way. She puts words into DH’s mouth and convinces him they’re his own. So now DH and I argue over this.
what’s your thoughts? AIBU to stick my guns and keep my sons name how it is, or should I reason with MIL, and change the name just to keep her happy?

Definitely don’t change. You have given this plenty of thought and would resent it in the long term. What other things is she planning on instructing you about? It is possible this is about jealousy of her ex having the honour of influencing the name. She’ll have to get over that.

If you were being exceptionally kind I’d ask DH to tell her explicitly that you’ve both decided, that the name is both of your preference and that you absolutely are not going to discuss it further. That this baby is his own person and the names are his now, so any further comments about X’s middle name not welcome.

I didn’t totally love dgc name but would not ever have tried to influence the parents choice. Not my business at all. Love the name now anyway so what do I know?
This is the thin end of the wedge, give in to this and she will rule you.
Your dc, your choices . She had her chances and choices.

YANBU.

I had grief from MIL about the perfectly lovely and normal name we considered for dc1.

We decided not to use it a felt it didn't suit dc1 in the end.

When we had (same sex) DC2 I had grief for NOT using it!!! I would have and actually don't really like the name we ended up with, and kick myself for not using it.

Short answer - no! Get him registered as soon as a possible to put an end to the discussion.

She had her chance to name her own children.

This is your and your dh's choice. Stay firm

It's your baby. I would be telling her where to go. Massive disrespect on her side. She needs putting in her box.

Do not change it! She is crazy and I'm sure the rest of your family agree? Has anyone else in the family said they don't like the name(s).

It sounds like you've really put a lot of thought and consideration into his name. I'm sure whatever it is it's an absolutely beautiful. I love welsh names.

Congratulations to you and your DH OP. I'm so sorry your MIL is such a selfish cow. I'm very pleased to hear that FIL is a decent person though.

Ugh sorry OP, she sounds totally overbearing and just a horrid person. Really what is wrong with her and what gives her the right to make you feel this way ever let alone when you’ve had a traumatic time after having baby.
Tell her to mind her own business and as PPs have said- stay strong and keep firm. This is yours and your DHs baby and you can name baby as you wish. She’ll have to just get over herself and realise how ridiculous she is.

If it was me, I'd say to her that you've chosen the name, and that you don't want to hear anything more about it. Make it clear that if she continues to make comments (or even call the baby by a different name as I've seen some people's in-laws do on here!) that she won't be welcome for visits.

Extreme threat, but worth it to stamp out her ridiculous behaviour.

Just to echo the very sensible advice you've already had - 100% do not move on this. If you do, you will be setting a very bad precedent and she will think she can make a fuss and be the main decision maker in your child's life. That is not her job. Don't budge an inch on any of the names.

Also, I'm really sorry you are having to give any mental energy to this when your baby is just a week old. Take a big sniff of his head, look at his gorgeous crinkly ears and try to forget about MIL!

Definitely do not change his name. What you name your child is up to you and your DH. You have chosen a name you love. Done.

I haven't always loved the names my family have chosen and for my close family, I have given my opinion but then accepted that it's their choice. Your MIL has made it clear she doesn't like the name, you went ahead with the name, now she needs to accept it, not bully you into doing something you don't want to do.

Knowing her she would ask to see the certificate 😂

Don’t even think about giving in

He’s your baby, not hers. She has fuck all say in it

Go ahead and register him and ignore the manipulative boot

Don't change it.
My mil hated my son's name too (maybe still does 🤷) but it's tough. We love it. Naming one's children is a time you compromise with one other person only - the other parent.
I am generally a peaceable kind person and like to make other people happy - but this is a situation where I would not budge!

OP - you don't need to explain or justify your name choices to anyone here!
No more than you need to justify them to MiL.

She is being so batshit rude that I think you need to read up about avoiding justification - because every time to try to justify your own side of an entirely reasonable argument, you are lending the argument legitimacy.
And MiL's argument is not legitimate.
outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/jade-dont-justify-argue-defend-explain

Coincidentally, PP mentioned your DH being trapped in the FOG, & the link above is from the Out of the Fog website. DH & you might benefit from exploring the site - outofthefog.website/toolbox-intro

Because your problem doesn't need to be MiL's batshittery about names - you can Grey Rock & not-JADE her quite easily about that.
www.e-counseling.com/articles/what-is-the-grey-rock-method/
But you can feel DH wavering & he NEEDS to understand that PP are correct - if you give an inch on this naming business, MiL will continue to take a mile out of every parenting decision she feels like sticking her nose into.

This happened to the woman in the bed beside me when I had DS earlier this year. Baby girl in NICU, mum in a terrible state post section, MIL causing merry hell because the woman and her DH had decided to give the baby a middle name in honour of both their grandmothers and apparently the MIL hated her MIL so wanted it changed.
It was awful to see the woman in floods of tears over it, she felt that her MIL was showing she could not care less about the baby as she wasn't asking how she was doing, just if they had changed the name yet.
As PP said, this is the hill to die on. The first major decision for you and DH as parents should be made by you and DH or you are setting a nightmarish precedent.
Congratulations on the birth of your baby 💐

For gods sakes say no. If you change it to please her you will have the same utter shit over every parenting decision from now til the old bat is gone. I speak from experience. Just give a laugh and say, goodness, imagine trying to dictate someone else's baby name!

My ExMiL did this with my ExDPs older kids. Dictated first and middle name. Mum didn't get a look in, with two kids. All named for her side. 15 years later she is still the dominant presence, despite her son having divorced their mum when they were toddlers. Controls everything. Their dad has ended up giving over most of his contact time to her.

Loathed and detested me for saying no to name, boarding school, bottle feeding...the list is endless. I am happy with her loathing.

Congratulations on the birth of your baby.
No one has the right to tell anyone what to call their child. She had her choice and now you do the same. Don't even consider changing.
If she gets away with that what next? She would be trying to influence other aspects.
Tell her the name you like is registered and if she can't call him that well she isn't going to see him.

Your MIL named her own children.

It's got sod all to do with her. If she wants to name something tell her to get a dog.

She puts words into DH’s mouth and convinces him they’re his own.

So your husband can't remember what he actually said??

Congratulations on your lovely baby. You absolutely cannot let her have an influence on whatever you do with your DS. This would set a precedent forever. How unreasonable, selfish and entitled can anyone be - your MIL is unbelievable. Please don't think of giving in over your preferred name. It is nothing to do with her, and none of her business.
My worry for you is that she may have got inside your DH's head as you said. If he goes to register the birth, can you trust him? Can you go and do it together?

Register the name you and your husband chose at the first possible opportunity.

Otherwise you will have a lifetime of her knowing if she goes on enough you'll do as she wants.

And she'll take full advantage of this.

DH and I had names for both male/female for our 2nd before she was born as we didn't know the sex during the pregnancy. Chatted in general to MIL about the names and she didn't like either; made it quite vocal how/why she didn't like them 🙄DH at the time, told her 'tough'. So DD arrived and we called her by the name we wanted, with a middle name...that MIL didn't like either when she found out! FIL, every time they saw DD as a baby said 'I absolutely adore her names; well done on such fine choices' with MIL chuntering away in the background.

Please don't give in to your MIL and don't let your DH beat you down either! You chose the names already; tough if people don't like them. MIL had her chance to name her children as she saw fit. Naming YOUR baby is nothing to do with her. Interfering old bat.

It's your baby, not hers.

Give in on this and you will find yourself faced with an endless series of battles about everything to do with your child. Feeding, sleep routines, schooling, clothing, etc etc etc. You make the decisions because it's your baby.

If she acts this badly she's not going to have much involvement with her grandchild, and she needs to know that.

"My argument is, it’s not her baby so it’s not her business what his name is."
This is all you need, and your DH needs to stop allowing himself to be bullied by her.
If you allow her to override this parenting decision, it paves the way for her to throw her weight around over everything else you do.
If she carries on being petulant enough to call him Junior when he's older, and he knows it's because she doesn't like his name, it will just make him dislike her. So she'll have shot herself in the foot.