Feel awful with myself for feeling uncomfortable about partner's female friend

[Cheeseboards]

He worked with a female of a similar age for almost a year and honestly all was fine, and she seemed nice.

The group, including her have stayed in touch on a group thread and met up as a group which seemed good.

Then I noticed that her and my partner would be texting privately a lot. Every time he had his phone in his hand there seemed to be a text from her so I questioned it in my mind as it was new. It's totally normal that people text but it just suddenly seemed very full on and intense. I don't think it was daily without fail but most days.

I don't know what all the texts were but a few were her asking to meet up. Apparently every time she had a day off she'd be seeing if he was free.

He then said she'd cheated on her boyfriend and alarm bells rang a bit. She has an Instagram profile with very revealing pictures which is totally up to her, but then I noticed my partner had liked a couple of pictures of her. Maybe it was just harmless but I wasn't sure.

So it was the change which I found odd. I felt terrible for thinking it as I've been with him a few years and he's never cheated or done anything really inappropriate.

Eventually I told him I felt a bit uncomfortable about her. Sometimes we just get this feeling. Even if I trust him not to do anything I suppose I don't really know her and started to find her a bit irritating and question her in my mind.
I felt like rolling my eyes when her name came up.

Anyway my partner was pretty angry and accused me of not trusting him, said that I've got an issue just because he's talking to a woman.

About a year ago I got a bit insecure about another female as my partner had seemed pretty angry that she didn't want to meet up with him, and also texted asking to meet then said he was really drunk when he did so I found it uncomfortable and confronted him.

But he does work with a lot of women and they all go on nights out etc. He comes in very late and I've never questioned anything , he does his own thing.

Anyway we've sorted it out now and I apologised for judging his friend, he said she'd like to meet me.
I've been cheated on once before and I was also seeing a guy who had been pretending to be single. But I know we have to leave these things in the past.
I do trust him not to do anything and I just felt uncomfortable with so much texting.

Does it seem like I was being unreasonable ? I do feel really ashamed now.

[Cheeseboards]

I never really felt uncomfortable at all for the previous year it was only recently with texting

[AppelationStation]

Trust your gut.

[Snipples]

If his first reaction is to get angry with you and not reassure you then I'd take that as a sign your gut is right. Why does he need validation from other women?

[Snoooozzze]

In my experience(sadly) where there's smoke there's almost certainly fire... my suspicions were proven true and I wish I'd have pushed the matter when I first had a tingle something was off!

The correct reaction to a partner voicing their uncertainty about the possibility of infidelity is not anger, defensiveness and gaslighting (we're just friends it's all in your head etc) it's reassurance and an effort to help settle your worries...

Dont get me wrong, not all suspicions are dead on but there is something needling your intuition and I'm a big believer in trusting your gut...

[Peoniesandcream]

So because she has a vagina they can't be friends? You sound insecure.

[Cheeseboards]

What?! No that's really not what I said. Nobody ever said once they "can't be friends". I said i was uncomfortable with the sudden heavy texting, they'd been friends for a year prior.

[LadyOfTheFliessssss]

@Peoniesandcream

So because she has a vagina they can't be friends? You sound insecure.

Exactly this

[Dartmoorcheffy]

His behaviour is suspicious. I would trust your instincts here. Why is he trying to meet up with other women. If my partner did that he would very quickly be my ex.

[Cw112]

I think it's reasonable to have the feelings- jealousy is a natural emotion after all and we all experience it- what matters is how you handle it and I think to be fair you've handled it by speaking to your partner reasonably about it instead of snooping through his phone or flying off the handle. I would meet her and see what your gut says about her when you do. You might find you really like her and it puts your mind at ease, or you might find your gut is still ringing alarm bells in which case your dh needs to listen to and acknowledge your feelings and be considerate of them too.

I'm not an overly jealous person, my dh has a few really close female friends and funnily enough the two he used to date I have the least problem with. There was another who was fine when she had a bf but when she broke up with him she started to push the boundaries and overstep. My dh had enough sense to cut ties with her at that point without me needing to say a word. I always think if someone wants to cheat then they will do no point getting protective about your other half. If they do cheat then they've shown they weren't worth your time anyways.

[MonsteraDeliciosas]

@Peoniesandcream

So because she has a vagina they can't be friends? You sound insecure.

This, exactly.

His behaviour isn't an issue, yours is.

[Cheeseboards]

I feel like this has been hugely misread/misunderstood. Never said they 'can't be friends'. Anyway how can I decide who can and can't? 'just because they have a vagina' is such a generalization.
I literally stated earlier they've already been friends for about a year. I'm not talking about that. I'm saying I felt uncomfortable that they suddenly grew a lot closer. Maybe that is on me yes.

[Chomolungma]

I would be uncomfortable with this too OP. I'm absolutely fine with my DH having female friends, and he has several of them, but if he started texting one of them very frequently and arranging to meet up just the two of them then I wouldn't be happy. His reaction (getting angry rather than trying to reassure you) isn't great either.

[Cheeseboards]

I also haven't said 'you shouldn't/can't do that' and why would I. I literally just asked him about her.
My partner goes out several times a week, sometimes until 7am. He could literally be doing anything but I have to trust that he isn't.

[Cheeseboards]

A previous thing was when he had a new colleague at his work about a year ago too. I remember he said he wanted to ask her to meet up out of work (with me invited) he's a very sociable person so this is normal I suppose for him.
She didn't seem keen on the idea but apparently was talking to another bloke about meeting up (who was single I believe).
My partner seemed really pissed off at this and also seemed jealous that she wanted to meet up with this other guy, slagging her off and stuff.
Then said he was going to ignore her text for a few days. Then on another occasion he drunk texted her asking to meet up, she asked what was going on and he admitted he'd been really drunk.
I guess I got the wrong end of the stick, I confronted him with my suspicions but he denied anything. I forgot about it after that.

And I feel ashamed for that incident too, I know he's a good man who loves me a lot and I do feel like I have some issue

[SiouxWarrior]

Please don't feel ashamed. You raised it as you should because you rightly felt uncomfortable. It's normal in a relationship to tell each other when something doesn't sit right. His anger speaks volumes but that shouldn't make you ashamed. No one should shame you for voicing a valid feeling or concern. I too would be concerned if the relationship became that intimate that they were texting that frequently away from the rest of the group. Your previous concern also valid in my book. Why get annoyed because someone doesn't want to spend time with someone in a committed relationship even if you were invited and instead opted to wisely spend time with someone single? Her time her choice! Again valid concern from you. Maybe your feelings are about coming to terms with a behaviour in him you are seeing and not liking but for whatever reason you are wrongly blaming yourself. Please don't!

[brighterthanthemoon]

I had this. I felt so uncomfortable with it but if I mentioned it it got thrown back in my face. He got together with her "as soon as we'd broken up".

[Dotcheck]

Oh, those things would make me uncomfortable too. You say he has lots of female friends, and you’re not uncomfortable over all, just these few, and just that change.
It is a massive red flag that he got angry that the girl from last year was wanting to meet with someone else, and that he wanted to teach her a lesson and ignore her.

Let me guess, he isn’t drunk texting 50 year old Louise in accounting, is he?

[aroman]

Anyway my partner was pretty angry and accused me of not trusting him, said that I've got an issue just because he's talking to a woman.

This reaction would concern me - why is he being so defensive?

It's OK to feel insecure sometimes, it's natural. I'm pretty easy going but if my DH was regularly texting another woman 1-to-1 and liking her selfies on instagram I'd feel a bit insecure too.

Your partner's job is to reassure you, not to get defensive and angry with you.

[RampantIvy]

@Peoniesandcream

So because she has a vagina they can't be friends? You sound insecure.

So you don't think his reaction is concerning then?

I do. The OP has every right to feel insecure. Do you exchange regular messages with men in relationships?

[Beefcurtains79]

He drunk texts other women and gets angry and jealous if they want to meet up with other single guys, but not him?
WTF? He sounds awful.
Where does he go until 7 am in the morning on a night out? Does he take coke?

[aroman]

I know he's a good man who loves me a lot and I do feel like I have some issue

Don't let him bounce this back onto you. You don't have an issue - he is making you think you do, trying to make you doubt yourself. It's actually gas lighting.

You are just feeling a bit insecure (understandably) about the women he is connecting with, and he's not giving you any reassurance or even understanding/ empathising.

Whoever these women are, YOU are his partner and you should be his priority.

Even if he's not interested in them (or you can't tell) one thing is obvious and that is he's not prioritising you over them.

That would be enough for me to leave.

[pilates]

Trust your instincts and yes I would feel uncomfortable with what you have described, especially his reaction.

[Etinoxaurus]

Angry drunk texted and you feel uncomfortable and ashamed
He sounds awful and you need to up your game.
Dump and move on, my lovely

[EternalCountrygirl]

Please stop feeling awful about yourself for having a very natural response to your partner frequently texting another. They may well be just friends, but your partner should also understand your feelings and concerns. Heavy texting could mean something inappropriate, it could also mean there was an issue or upset which on either side and one was supporting the other? In that case your partner could and should be able to tell you about it.

[EternalCountrygirl]

@Cheeseboards

I feel like this has been hugely misread/misunderstood. Never said they 'can't be friends'. Anyway how can I decide who can and can't? 'just because they have a vagina' is such a generalization.
I literally stated earlier they've already been friends for about a year. I'm not talking about that. I'm saying I felt uncomfortable that they suddenly grew a lot closer. Maybe that is on me yes.

Absolutely