My 18 year old son hits me

[Harrybosch]

Single parent and up until a few years ago we were very close. He was loving and affectionate and sill is at times. Over the last two years I have had a debilitating illness that has affected me very negatively.

initially ds was supportive but has gradually slid into becoming most unliveable. He shouts, throws things, pushes me and hurts me. He is very angry, the reason being that I haven’t been there for him. That is tue but having acknowledged that, I can’t rectify it.

he also uses fou language, doesn’t help and says he wishes I would die. Has anybody else gone through this and come out the other side

@Emmamoo89 please re- read my post again. I said “directly factored into”, not caused.
@oakleaffy what makes you think the study I refer to wasn’t “done properly?”. Also, people that only use cannabis are not hard to find.

Hairy fairy, what you wrote is victim blaming - mother blaming.
Mothers are human too - most of us give all we can, but it's never enough and then a child can turn around and get violent.
Something doesn't add up.
Mother is the scapehost for the violence of another.

There are numerous studies linking cannabis use with violence and psychosis (both developed and early psychosis). Also numerous studies linking cannabis with the development of MH conditions that can cause violent behaviour (there was a comprehensive Scandinavian study on this).

there is a very scared child

He’s 18! Stop being a punchbag and a door mat or he could kill you! Pack his bags.

Could you get a carers assessment for him and an assessment for yourself. It sounds like he needs help coping with things - a young carers group or support network may help. He needs someone to talk to. Late man teens also have surges of anger - I notice that with my son/sons friends - they don’t hit but seem to struggle with their emotions more than as mid teens.

Thought everyone knew about cannabis and psychosis etc these days.theres loads of science studies on this, takes 2 mins to Google. E.g.,

www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0022399910001637

journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/070674370605100903

Sorry to hear you are going through such an awful time OP.

This is domestic abuse. My local council says that violence of a child against a partner (pretty much always son against mother) is one of the most common types in our area. Do not let him do this. Throw him out.

Other things will come in to factor. Weed is not the sole thing to cause that.

Is it just you and him ? Does he have any contact with other family members and have you told them how he has behaved ?

I am so sorry OP ❤️ You should not have to put up with this 💐 x

There is no point trying to reason with these posters who obviously know better than the peer reviewed academic research.

Call your local domestic abuse agency. They can help you with safety planning and emotional support. They might also run the Respect programme which is aimed at young people who display abusive behaviours.
Your other option is PEGS - they are a national organisation working to raise awareness of child to parent abuse. They run online peer support groups among other things.
The main thing to remember is that if you are at risk of harm or you think he is, call 999. You are not wasting anyone’s time, but equally they will not criminalise your son on a first offence. They will de-escalate the situation and refer you for further support.
You’re not alone - support is out there.

It’s domestic abuse and your son needs to see that certain behaviour has consequences. I would contact the police.

I've been on the other side, I was your son. My mum had a stroke and was disabled when I was around 15. I started out being helpful but I couldn't adjust to her illness and we had no one else to help. I lashed out at her, we would get physical, it would get messy. I tried to kill myself and went towards drugs.

He's angry that his mum has fallen ill. As hard as it is, that's the truth of it. He's still so young and doesn't know how to deal or cope with those feelings.

He needs counselling or therapy. He needs an outlet, a way to let out all of his feelings with someone else.

Everyone saying kick him out or call the police probably haven't been in that position. If that had happened to me, then I wouldn't be where I am now- I'm 36 with an amazing relationship with my mum, but I'm full of so much guilt. I recently went through therapy to deal with that guilt of my behaviour.

But I really do reccommend him getting counselling, give him an ultimatum if he refuses to go. If he's in school/uni, ask them to help intervene. I had counselling when I went through the same thing and it helped me.

I hope it works out for you both.

You would be where you are now - as I said the police are surprisingly good with this issue, their aim is not to criminalise on a first offence in an difficult family situation - but basically to talk some sense into DS, importantly to make him face the consequences of his actions and the possible outcome.

Counselling can only work if he engages and it’s very difficult to force teenagers into therapy, and he’s an adult.

The best counselling for him would be a Respect programme that I linked to previously (and a poster above has also mentioned).

I agree with this completely. Sit him down when he's calm, explain that it's unacceptable and unless he can treat you with respect you'll ask him to leave, if he's abusive in anyway you'll phone the police .

Do Women’s Aid give advice for this sort of situation?

Prove that cannabis alone causes violence?
You cannot.

This is becoming very repetitive. I have not said that.

This is good.

Its possible to be empathetic towards him, and understand what might be behind his behaviour, while making it clear that behaviour is unacceptable and comes with consequences.

Call the police.

done it with my then 14 year old son who was violent at the time. Once I’d done it a couple of times he knew I meant it and stopped the threats and violence.

hes 23 now and we have a good relationship these days.

doesn't matter who the perpetrator is.
you have a right to be safe in your own home

This seems good advice OP.

He's abusing you and this will continue to escalate

I think the advice to sit DS down "when he is calm" would be good advice if the abuse/hitting had happened once only. OP indicates it is ongoing. Why must he be coddled? OP should think about her own safety. Frankly, I think she should pack up his belongings and change the locks when he has gone out for the day; file a police report and request police presence when he returns home at which point she explains he is on his own due to the numerous instances of assault. I'm sorry, OP, by allowing this to reach this point you're DS is now deep into abuser behaviour and his relationships with women in future are sure to be abusive. Encourage him to seek counselling. Give him some money to start him off if you have to, but, fgs, don't delay.

I have also been on the other side (am a female but similar situation). My mum did call the police on me, more than once, in my teenage years. It was traumatic but ultimately helped.

I was severely mentally ill. That didn't mean I couldn't face consequences for hurting others. Unless you're psychotic, you need to learn that your feelings if not controlled will damage others. I went to dialectical behaviour therapy and the biggest shift in changing was having to listen to victims of DV in the group talk about how it felt. I was subjecting my mother to the same treatment. I made a choice to learn to control my anger. It wasn't easy, but thinking of yourself as helpless because you have mental health problems is damaging to everyone around you and to yourself.

Guilt is not a productive emotion. Neither is shame. Both perpetuate the cycle of committing violence.