My 18 year old son hits me

[Harrybosch]

Single parent and up until a few years ago we were very close. He was loving and affectionate and sill is at times. Over the last two years I have had a debilitating illness that has affected me very negatively.

initially ds was supportive but has gradually slid into becoming most unliveable. He shouts, throws things, pushes me and hurts me. He is very angry, the reason being that I haven’t been there for him. That is tue but having acknowledged that, I can’t rectify it.

he also uses fou language, doesn’t help and says he wishes I would die. Has anybody else gone through this and come out the other side

This is CAPVA - child and adolescent to parent violence + abuse.

Contact https://www.respect.uk.net/ for help, they run programmes for young people using violence in personal relationships including parents.

The police can actually be really good about this - next time he’s violent call them and explain he’s abusive to you, they will have a serious chat with him. They can put you in touch with local support services. That can sometimes be enough to jolt someone into the reality of what they’re doing.

This kind of abuse in teenage boys can sometimes be a symptom of descent into serious mental illness such as schizophrenia so don’t dismiss it and think you have to put up with it..

Oh OP, that’s really sad. I’m so sorry for you both. I hope you get some good help and advice from his school/college x

Thiis.
You need to get this "frightened child" narrative straight out of your head.
He is an abusive adult male and he wouldn't be doing it to you if he thought he might not get away with it.

Stop with wringing your hands and sympathizing with him. Call the police and then kick him out and spare a thought for the poor woman who will end up with the little fucker.

Some woman's daughter-maybe a woman reading this.

Who on earth are the 4% of posters who thinks that the son's behaviour is reasonable?

Poor you, this is terrible x

DEFINITELY call the police!

My own son went through a very ''Arsey'' phase, once, he never hit, but was a but pushy and bargey, and much like Kevin off the TV would say ''I hate you!'' and 'Just die''... of course he didn't mean it. {Or so he said later on}

He once got the wood splitting axe when I'd locked his phone in a room 'til he'd done his homework to bash the panelled door in.

A very experienced councillor who had been a ''Difficult'' teen himself said to c all the police next time DS did something like this.

I did.

The police were really good {But this was long before they were so pressured and cut to the bone}

My DS used to say 'I don't respect you!'...

With the benefit of hindsight, he needed a lot more boundaries..and me calling the police really helped {I was at wit's end at the time}

What have you to lose?

Your son is actually assaulting you.
That is absolutely not on.

Best wishes, OP.

Do you have any family he could go to stay with temporarily until he calms down? (meaning ideally male relatives). This is a lot for you to deal with by yourself.
And yes, call the police, they will give him a talking to and it might stop him doing it again.

Is his Father around ? Sounds like he is worried about losing you but that is no reason to put up with violence. You have to phone the Police. Stop threatening and start doing before it is too late. Good luck.

You need a social worker. You, as a vulnerable woman, need a social worker.

Refer yourself. You may then be able to access carer's allowance for him, carers' support groups etc.

Just because it's not your fault and shouldn't be happening doesn't mean he doesn't need help too- which you know, and is why you've not acted before.

As his mum you need to do two very difficult things- protect yourself and protect him. He will feel terrible when he gets past this and remembers how appallingly he's behaved. Please intervene now, for both your sakes.

@Harrybosch I found an old copy of ''Raising boys'' by Steve Biddulph...I wish I'd found it years before DS had got to his 'Arsey ' stage..

Boundaries are so important.
Boys do need a good male role model in their life especially.

I didn't have that, as ex husband was a bit hopeless at parenting.

As long as you just sit there and take his abuse he will have no respect for you or his home.

Call the police. Let the chips fall where they may.

Start reading about co-dependence. You're not doing your son a favour by suffering this in silence.

Pack his bags and take his keys. Wouldn't stand for this

*Thiis.
You need to get this "frightened child" narrative straight out of your head.
He is an abusive adult male and he wouldn't be doing it to you if he thought he might not get away with it.

Stop with wringing your hands and sympathizing with him. Call the police and then kick him out and spare a thought for the poor woman who will end up with the little fucker.*

Agree 100%

Boys need boundaries and they absolutely need to know that it's never ok to hit their mother or anyone else.

Boys get testosterone surges, and they can be 'Arsey' if not boundaried

It is absolutely essential that you refuse to be a punch bag for your son.

Son is grown now, and says that my calling the police that time showed him that I'd not be tolerating arsey behaviour.

When I threatened to call them, he actually kicked the door and said ''go on then!''...and I did.

I'm ashamed to say IO tried to cancel them...but once a call is made, they have to come out.

I was very grateful to them.

They spoke to some on his own, and said that he ought to spend the hight with a friend to give us breathing space.

That is what happened.

I was very grateful to them, despite them not being ''Social workers'' {I tried to get help via social workers, but was told son wasn't ''Bad enough!''...

He will continue to treat you like this if you don't get the police involved. Call the police, report the assaults, the police can take him away, make it clear that he is homeless and the council will be obliged to find temp accommodation for him.

He needs some tough love, OP, and you need safety.

I've name changed for this. I had a very troubled teenage son who was violent with his siblings and his dad. With me he was just threatening. He assaulted his dad quite alarmingly about a month after his 18th birthday. I called the police then.

They were there very quickly. When he showed no remorse, they cuffed him and took him away. He was in custody all day. It was a very hard thing to do, but it transformed him.

He is 20 now, and completely different. End of puberty helped a lot, but so did having to take personal responsibility for his actions.

Open the front door and tell him to get the other side of it and stay that side.
He is 18 legally an adult. Let him act the big man in the real world.
He knows exactly what he is doing. Kick him out now.

This. Record him doing it. Phone the police each and every time. He needs to be removed from the house. Do not let the police minimise it.
draw a line in the sand today with him and explain what will happen the next time he assaults you either verbally emotionally mentally or physically preferrably do this with a friend supporting you.
explain he is an adult and you have a right not be abused.

if he will not accept this condition he leaves right now and change the locks

do not allow him to victim blame or give ‘his side’ etc your house and your rules make this clear with you friend

follow through

Well done!
{I should have name changed too.. but never mind}
DS is respectful now, and good to his partner.

Tough love is definitely needed.
Teenaged boys can sometimes be a nightmare!

A friend with a difficult teen girl called the police as well.

The police were great in that instance, too.

If one is at one's wit's end, what else is there to do?

Not condoning his behaviour at all, but he is clearly struggling too and he is only 18, and only and adult in numbers. Those saying chuck him out is only going to make matters worse.

Sorry, but I think he is a thug, call the Police, I dont feel sorry for him. I have mental health, it is NOT a excuse for violence.
I agree with the poster which said he is a little shit. Please do something about this you should not have to live like this. He needs to be stopped.

Women's aid will help

So sorry this is happening to you OP. I think, as you pointed out., he's struggling with your illness which is understandable at his age. Do you have another trusty family member who could talk to him? To explain to him that you love him and that it's not your fault or plan to be sick? Perhaps that person can suggest talking to a professional - he might take it badly from you. He will no doubt feel really bad after hitting you but it must stop, I'm really sorry you're going through this. Completely different but my father suffered before his death 11 years ago. I never offended him or ever lashed out but deep down I was furious he was so helpless and I started to resent him slightly. I think it's a normal feeling for a child in a way but some children take it out in different ways. I wish I could offer more advice. Good luck x

You are condoning his behaviour by trying to pretend he is just a confused little boy and that is not on.

His mother shouldn't put up with this for one second longer and it is by wringing
her hands and saying, as she has done that he is a, "frightened child" that allows him to get away with it.

Of course, if she wants to make excuses then that is up to her but I wish women like the OP would spare one second for the poor woman-maybe my daughter/ maybe yours that this abusive twat will end up with.
Will his mum make excuses for him too, when he has beaten his partner senseless because he can.

He's 18-not 5. and he knows exactly what he is doing. Do you think if his mum lived with a 20 stone hairy arsed docker who adored her, her son would continue with his behaviour?

It's a head scratcher isn't it? Nonetheless, I'm going to take a wild guess and say the answer would be, No, he wouldn't.

If he's 18 then he's an adult and you can throw him out. I think you should. It might scare him into behaving himself.

The number of mothers who are killed by their sons is worryingly high. I can't find the stats but will look.

Don't take this lightly, OP.

This is tragic OP. You both need help.

I know he is your child, but he's not a child. He's 18. By allowing him to do this you're kinda teaching him that it's OK and there are no consequences. What if he does it to someone at school/ a friend/ girlfriend/ stranger who pisses him off? He wouldnt be treated like a child who is hurting by anyone other than you.

I know it's really hard for you but you need to phone the police, it might not feel like it but its what's best for both of you! They might take him away for a night in the cells, and that could be enough to stop him hitting you next time.

Don't blame yourself, I hope you get the help you need.