My 18 year old son hits me

[Harrybosch]

Single parent and up until a few years ago we were very close. He was loving and affectionate and sill is at times. Over the last two years I have had a debilitating illness that has affected me very negatively.

initially ds was supportive but has gradually slid into becoming most unliveable. He shouts, throws things, pushes me and hurts me. He is very angry, the reason being that I haven’t been there for him. That is tue but having acknowledged that, I can’t rectify it.

he also uses fou language, doesn’t help and says he wishes I would die. Has anybody else gone through this and come out the other side

Weed doesn't make you violent.

I would call the pastoral lead at his school / college. Tell them how violent your DS is being and ask them where he can access some support.

Call the police.

Found the stats: 8% of women who were killed by men in 2018 were killed by sons/stepsons while a further 3% were killed by sons-in-law (or ex SIL).

That is really alarming.

However, they say most murders are committed by people known to the victim.

As OP's son is actually hitting her, I'd most definitely call the police.

There is absolutely zero excuse to hit anyone, let alone a poorly mother.

Very difficult but also so dangerous for the op.
Your local police force should have a vulnerability hub where social services and other agencies are present.They will help find a solution and it could him to get him access to services.

Please try the School or Social Services. You need to trust someone in real life to get you both help. He's a young carer & struggling with his role & his mental health. He needs real life practical and emotional support. If you don't get help now it will escalate further.
You've said yourself he's immature for his age. It's down to you to sort it.

My (adopted) daughter went to a youth detention centre for three months for repeatedly assaulting me when she was 19. I called the police every time.
She came out saying she never wanted to back to jail.
Hard to say if our relationship suffered as a result because it wasn't good anyway and is still fragile.
She had had a difficult start and went right off the rails in her teens, but l don't regret calling the police. I wasn't going to keep treading on eggshells in my own home and I hope it taught her that actions have consequences.
Please kick him out or call the police, or both. You're doing him no favours by allowing him to get away with this.

When he's calm amd you're telling him how unacceptable his behaviour is, how does the conversation go?

I’m glad you are going to contact the school.

If it happens again then tell him you’ll ring the police and then do it.
If you’re not in immediate danger then just ring 101 and they’ll send someone over when they’re passing.

I work with teens who have behaviour issues and it’s amazing how getting the police involved can help.

For some it frightens them knowing they could go to jail if they carry on but for most just the thought of someone else knowing is enough to make them reflect on their behaviour.

What’s heartbreaking is many parents suffer in silence worried that you won’t believe them, that they’ll think it’s your fault or because they don’t want their child to get in too much trouble.
But I promise you that reaching out for help will be the best thing you ever do.

If you can set up a camera and try and record his behaviour.
This can be used to show SS or the police but also so he can see what he’s like.

I agree that he’s lashing out because he can’t control his feelings and he’s angry that you are poorly but you don’t want him to carry on like this and he needs help.

Call the Police. If he is charged and convicted, he will more than likely receive Probation supervision and targeted help.

He's an adult now.

Next time he attacks you, call the police before he incapacitates you and kick him out

In the first instance they should step in and remove him if he’s hit you.

I can understand how terrible it must feel to consider calling the police on your own son, but you must, you cannot allow an adult male to assault you like this.

It’s possible that one day you will both be able to be a normal family again, but the first step towards that is to stop him hurting you.

Please, call the police if he even scares you again.

If you can’t bring yourself to call the police, or to throw him out then you need to leave yourself while you work out what to do. Stay with a friend, or in a refuge.

I agree this is important. One of my parents is disabled and it’s really, really hard. I’ll admit I have dark days over it. I would think it would actually be harder for your son if this illness is ‘new’ and not always been present in your lives. Are there any other family members close by or involved?? does he work or study etc. He’s at that crucial age where he needs to launch off into the world. That said, you don’t need to tolerate abuse and if things spiral you need to seek help. Perhaps initially another family member or a way your son can move out or partially move out. Good luck xxxx

You need to sort this out and contact the police , you’re allowing him to use this behaviour. If there are no consequences where will this stop ? Will he hit his future wife , kids ?

That’s a lie told by those who want it legalised. There is plenty of evidence that it can and does lead to violent behaviour.

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7084484/

What is this ridiculous empathy some people are trying to find for your son...

"My mum is ill, but I can't cope with it, so I hit her."

Fuck off. He's not a child. He's old enough to go to prison, which is where he is heading if he carries on this abuse. Report him. Let the police put the fear in him.

Look, he is physically an adult now and could do some real damage to someone of he doesn't learn to control his temper. You say it's hurtful now, how hurt will you be if he ends up punching someone on a night out and they hit their head and die? Or he loses it with the wrong person and get hit or stabbed himself? My job involves dealing with young men like this and they almost always have mums who tolerated it all at home and neverade them face consequences.

You need to have a good think about whether the way you're parenting him is going to contribute to him ending up dead or in prison.

This is an intolerable situation for you both. Whatever the reason, it must stop.

It is straight up abuse and you need to involve police. This will be a catalyst for positive change, you will be referred to support services, and your son will be alerted to the gravity of his offending. If he is charged (unlikely, more likely to be warned) he will be forced to confront his behaviour which is exactly what needs to happen.

You are not protecting yourself or him by refusing to involve authorities, it is just prolonging the situation. It’s time to call in help.

Undoubtedly your son is grieving and frightened and angry about your illness but that doesn’t mean he can abuse you. He needs a positive outlet for his distress and to learn to manage difficult emotions.

And you need to be safe at home!

If you have some kind pre existing serious mental problems but not always so yeah bullshit. I've been stoned in the past and I just want to eat and sleep

Health*

You could try speaking to his Head of Sixth Form. Does his school have a counsellor? They could refer to SS. A SW could come out and talk to him. I understand you won't want to ask him to leave with nowhere to go but you also can't let him hurt you. I would make an appointment with Head of Sixth Form and see if they can offer any help. Try SS too. If you can't get any help you will have to ask him to leave because as he gets older he will get stronger and one day he will push or hit you and you will be really hurt. Hugs

He is physically an adult now and could do some real damage to someone of he doesn't learn to control his temper. You say it's hurtful now, how hurt will you be if he ends up punching someone on a night out and they hit their head and die? Or he loses it with the wrong person and get hit or stabbed himself? My job involves dealing with young men like this and they almost always have mums who tolerated it all at home and never made them face consequences.

You need to have a good think about whether the way you're parenting him is going to contribute to him ending up dead or in prison.

This is sadly very true.
If an 18 yr old is hitting out at his own mother {or being ''Bargy'' with her} it teaches him that it is acceptable on some level.

Any form of violence /assault really needs nipping hard in the bud by calling the police the second it happens again.

Seriously, you are trying to rebut a scientific study with an anecdote about how it makes you feel?

You must understand that that’s not valid. Users like you do this all the time.

Coincidence?

He needs to be shown consequences what if he does this to another woman or kills someone

there salways an excuse not to call the police but in the end you need to protect yourself