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Original poster

Have you ever regretted visiting dying parents

106 replies

SlippingIntoTheTwilightZone · 14/11/2022 12:09

Just that, really. I haven't been able to visit them for five years (they live in another country, and I am going through a serious health crisis preventing travel). They are in their late 90s and very frail. Doubly incontinent and all the other joys that come with extreme old age. Sleeping most of the time, according to their carers. Only able to eat soup. They have been the most wonderful parents anyone could ask for and the last time I saw them they were active and engaged. I'm just wondering if I should be happy that this is how I will remember them instead of being witness to the indignities of this final stage of their lives.

OP posts:
Lottapianos · 14/11/2022 12:12

What a dreadful position for you to be in. I'm so sorry. I don't think there is a 'right' answer as such. My MIL died a few months ago, she had cancer and it was a pretty harrowing experience seeing her become more confused every day and physically shrink and fade away in front of our eyes

Would your parents know you were there, if you did visit?

JanglyBeads · 14/11/2022 12:14

How are they mentally?
If you love them and they love you though, surely you'd want to see them if at all possible?

Original poster
SlippingIntoTheTwilightZone · 14/11/2022 12:16

Thank you @Lottapianos. They would know I was there, yes. We still speak on the phone a few times a week (they don't do Zoom) which is good but even that is exhausting for them. My siblings are nearby but only one of them visits; the other one says it is too awful and they wouldn't want her to see them like that.

OP posts:
Original poster
SlippingIntoTheTwilightZone · 14/11/2022 12:19

@JanglyBeads Sometimes when we speak it's like "the old them" although they get tired out just holding the phone. At other times they get confused (about what day it is and things like that). I think Dad has been diagnosed with mild dementia.
I don't know if I will have the choice to see them but if I do I will go, but if I don't I'm wondering if I shouldn't be to sad about it, if that makes sense.

OP posts:
Clymene · 14/11/2022 12:20

I'm glad I went to say goodbye. It meant a lot to them that I was there

Lottapianos · 14/11/2022 12:22

'but if I don't I'm wondering if I shouldn't be to sad about it, if that makes sense'

It's a real cliche, but I don't think there is any way you 'should' feel. It's very hard to prepare for how you may feel when your parents are no longer around. It sounds like you love them very much, and you're preparing to lose them, and that's desperately sad. I wish you peace for all of you, whatever happens

SadieMai · 14/11/2022 12:25

If you can't go because of health then the choice has been removed, if you have a choice I don't think you'd ever regret going. More chance of regretting not going. I wouldn't have missed my chance with my Dad, and will never ever regret it.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 14/11/2022 12:25

My mother lived in Australia the final 20 years of her life. I visited as regularly as I could and when she had a terminal diagnosis (12 weeks to 18 months, according to the doctors) I flew out to visit (lucky I did as the lower survival figure was the right one). She was compos mentis, fully accepting what she had and had stopped chemo because any chance of a longer life meant very aggressive treatment and she didn't want that.

I'm really glad I did go because in those few weeks she was the mother - gentle, funny, caring - I'd always wanted instead of the one I actually had for years (angry, ranty and borderline if not actual alcoholic). We didn't have any deep talks about anything but we spent our last time together as a family (younger brother was caring for her and doing all the admin like finding a hospice, middle brother flew out when I did). I have those gentle memories that slightly make up for some of the others.

My situation is a bit different from yours because there were no indignities - just the shock of seeing her being near skeletal. Would they know you were there if you went, and would it distress them at all?

Sorry, there are no right answers, are there? I suppose it comes down to you have to decide how would you feel if you did or didn't go?

DirectionToPerfection · 14/11/2022 12:25

If they were wonderful parents then they deserve to have their children with them at the end of their lives, not to be left alone and scared because it's 'too difficult'.

Original poster
SlippingIntoTheTwilightZone · 14/11/2022 12:30

Thank you all for your replies. I will go if I possibly can. I know they won't be alone as one of my siblings will be there for them, but I guess I am a bit afraid of what I am going to find when I get there. I think my sibling is getting a bit traumatised by it all and they are much stronger than I am.

OP posts:
SadieMai · 14/11/2022 12:33

SlippingIntoTheTwilightZone · 14/11/2022 12:30

Thank you all for your replies. I will go if I possibly can. I know they won't be alone as one of my siblings will be there for them, but I guess I am a bit afraid of what I am going to find when I get there. I think my sibling is getting a bit traumatised by it all and they are much stronger than I am.

Thinking of you. When I spent this time with my Dad it really wasn't easy, so hard to see them in a way that you are not used to. But I still don't regret it and would do it all again given the chance x

Waitingfordecember · 14/11/2022 12:33

If your parents were good parents then you should visit for them, even if it is hard for you.

I’m sorry to be blunt but staying away to protect your happy memories sounds really selfish in this situation.

karalimed · 14/11/2022 12:34

Would your parents appreciate it? That's the only thing that matters surely?

I saw my mum die of cancer. It was fucking horrible but she knew I was there (some of the time at least) and that was the important thing. I couldn't imagine not seeing someone because it made ME feel uncomfortable.

I remember her ill and dying, I also still remember her when I was a kid, and at my graduation etc. She was still her the entire time, she didn't deserve to be abandoned just because I didn't want to feel sad from looking at her.

TheDuck2018 · 14/11/2022 12:36

It was awful seeing my Dad so ill but I will always be so glad I was there, including when he passed away.
I got to talk to him and hold his hand and tell him all the things I wanted to say, how much I loved him, confess about pranging his car when I was a teenager, talk about all the happy times and memories....I just held his hand and talked and even though he was to all intents and purposes unconscious, at one point he squeezed my hand so I know he heard me and I will always be grateful for that.
I'm in tears now, I miss my Dad so much xxx

MammaWeasel · 14/11/2022 12:36

I agree with @Waitingfordecember

ChaToilLeam · 14/11/2022 12:40

I also agree with @Waitingfordecember , if you can possibly go, do it for them. It will mean a great deal.

Uninterestedfamily · 14/11/2022 12:42

Very selfish not to go just because you feel a bit squeamish. When my mother was dying she was really upset one of my siblings chose not to be there. They've been there for you your whole life, don't abandom them when it would mean the world to them to know you truly care.

SomeUnspokenThing · 14/11/2022 12:43

I hadn't seen my mum for over a year when she died. This was 6 years ago and I'm still not over it. My dad died recently and although I'm cut up about it I am comforted by having seen him recently. It's a very difficult situation for you, OP, and I do wish you peace with whatever you decide to do.

Venetiaparties · 14/11/2022 12:54

It sounds like you can physically make it.

I would go, and go prepared that it might be hard to see them, but I am sure it would the world to them to see you again op.

Sometimes in life as adults we need to look at the cold reality of end of life or near end of life and accept it. We can't run away or protect ourselves from what is natural and normal. A cycle of life.

I would explore with a counsellor your fears - maybe related to your own health issues? And decide sooner rather than later before it is too late.

LBFseBrom · 14/11/2022 12:57

If you are not well enough to travel to see your parents then you cannot go, it is not your fault and there's nothing to be done about it.

However if you can go, so. I am very glad I was with my mother and mother in law when they were dying, I know having me and husband around gave them security and comfort. My father in law too up to a point, we went over there a lot after work and at weekends but he eventually went into a hospice a few days before dying. We visited him there too, it was very peaceful. My dad died suddenly at home with my mum so didn't apply.

Op if you cannot go for whatever reason, do not ever beat yourself up about it. You know your parents are well looked after, bless them. Bless you too! I can feel your anxiety about this.

SquirrelSoShiny · 14/11/2022 12:58

Waitingfordecember · 14/11/2022 12:33

If your parents were good parents then you should visit for them, even if it is hard for you.

I’m sorry to be blunt but staying away to protect your happy memories sounds really selfish in this situation.

This tbh. If you're not physically able to travel that's somewhat different but otherwise I think visiting your parents and saying goodbye is an important rite of passage for all of you.

SquirrelSoShiny · 14/11/2022 12:59

I like @Venetiaparties post too.

ChnandlerBong · 14/11/2022 13:01

My Mum was much younger when she died (71) but her illness meant she was suffering a lot of the symptoms you mention.

It is hard seeing someone you love like that, but I will never regret it. It was the stage between life and death. It happened. Occasionally she was lucid enough to realise I was there and it's those moments that I have to hang onto now that she's not here.

PortiasBiscuit · 14/11/2022 13:03

Absolutely, they are still them. They are just old, how would you feel if those you love decided not to visit it you in your old age because they might get upset. Suppose you were mutilated in an accident or because of cancer, would you be happy for people not to visit in order to preserve the memory of who you were ?
Visit your parents, make a beautiful last memory. If they are peaceful, resigned and together what is there to be afraid of?

rookiemere · 14/11/2022 13:03

Could the sibling who visits set up a zoom call for you ?

I know it's extra work for them, but it's a good halfway house as you can't travel. If you could travel, I'm sure you would so don't beat yourself up about anything.