Have you ever regretted visiting dying parents

[SlippingIntoTheTwilightZone]

Just that, really. I haven't been able to visit them for five years (they live in another country, and I am going through a serious health crisis preventing travel). They are in their late 90s and very frail. Doubly incontinent and all the other joys that come with extreme old age. Sleeping most of the time, according to their carers. Only able to eat soup. They have been the most wonderful parents anyone could ask for and the last time I saw them they were active and engaged. I'm just wondering if I should be happy that this is how I will remember them instead of being witness to the indignities of this final stage of their lives.

My dad died unexpectedly but it was a privilege to be with my mam in her last years- spending time with her, looking after her, just being with her through some lovely and difficult times as she grew older and became frail and ill. I wouldn't have missed that time for anything.

Sounds like you might be better going before the surgery, since it will put you out of action for so long. Five years is a long time, even given covid.
I think if you don't go before, you should at least tell your parents you will be over in the summer; something for them to look forward to. And telling them something of your health concerns would mean they understood why you couldn't come sooner.

Oh goodness. If at all possible please go and see them. They will so appreciate it and it will be a boost for them.

My dad had a terminal diagnosis and in the last minute was lucky enough to have a transplant. Whilst he was terminal - sleeping up to 20hrs a day - whenever I visited he he perked up. Perhaps not physically but definitely in his own well-being. I called him every day - my mum said my 5 minute call was all he looked forward to. He got his transplant and I still call him every day……and every day I tell him I love him.

definitely go if you can. If you can’t, it is what it is - call them as often as you can and tell them you love them and appreciate everything they have done for you

Look after yourself xx

Go and say goodbye. I wasn't in the room when either of my parents passed away but I did say goodbye and both passed hours later. I feel they were both waiting for me.

I saw my Mum a few weeks before she died (I was living in another country at the time) and realized she probably didn’t have long. I rushed back a month later when she collapsed and spent time with her in hospital-it was very sad and not the way I would want to remember her-but I don’t regret it at all, because inside that frail body, she was still there. ❤️ Years later, I don’t really think about her illness, I think about having a few more precious days with my Mum.

Its a very personal choice, OP, but you love them and I think you may treasure any time you can spend with them. Your Mum and Dad’s spirits are still inside.

It's difficult for you in a practical sense so, if you can't go, then as others say don't beat yourself up afterwards so it was what it was.

However, if you can, then I would. I've struggled with my Mums death - I lost her in May this year. However, she wanted to be at home, and I managed to care for her in those last few days. The comfort she took having mine and Dad's company was tangible. It was harrowing, yes, but also a real privilege. My brother couldn't have coped but he still came to visit her towards the end.

In her final few hours she made me put a whole family photo on her ipad to look at. She knew what was happening for sure , and it was important to her to see those she loved.

I would try your best to go or make sure you've checked in somehow so you can give as much comfort as possible.

Where are you located in relation to your parents? I would try and visit as soon as possible, and keep it to just a few days, therefore minimizing the risk of jeopardizing your forthcoming op. Good luck with everything.

My husbands mum died suddenly, it was a shock. She wasn't conscious when he said goodbye and how much he loved her. He'd give anything to be able to. It's hard seeing them in decline. I'm dreading it with my parents. But I know I'll have to because I'm their child and they are wonderful parents. Also if one sibling is doing all the caring it's nice for them . Big hugs

Thinking of you ♥️

My mother passed away as I was on the plane flying home to her. My last ever FaceTime with her will be ingrained in my memory forever. I really wish I got to hold her one last time and let her know how proud of her I was and that I loved her. It’s so hard hey. Sending love

When my mum was dying I was there 24/7. One of my siblings refused a video call with her because he wanted to remember her how she was. She was very distressed by that. As was I - I would have loved for my last memories not to have been the (pretty grim) advance to her ultimate death but my Mum needed me to step up and so I put my frailties to one side and held her as she died.

My relationship with video call sibling will never recover. Don't underestimate the impact taking the easy way out may have on your siblings, particularly the one doing the heavy lifting.

Thanks all for your thoughts — it means a lot to me.

Thankfully I told both of them on my last visit how much they mean to me and how grateful I am to have had them for my parents. If I get the opportunity I will say so again, of course.

They are thousands of miles away. A very long-haul plane journey. I just can't do it and even if I could, how would I explain having to leave again so soon without telling them about my medical problems.

My Dad would be frantic with worry if he knew my illness was recurring. He has always been an anxious type but according to my sibling this has got significantly worse in the past couple of years. If my Mum goes to the loo and doesn't come out within two minutes he starts fretting… that kind of thing. There is no way they can ever be told about my situation. Mum would handle it better but would be sad more than worried. They don't deserve that at this time in their lives.

@harriethoyle Thanks for your thoughts. My "heavy lifting" sibling has basically told me not to come. That I would just be another thing for her to worry about and wouldn't be of much practical help at the moment. This is probably true. I know the relationship between her and my other sibling will never recover. It had been going bad for a long time before this but I think this will be the last straw. Another thing to hide from Mum as it would break her heart.

It's a tough one and I don't think anyone can tell you how you ought to feel. You sound like you are going through a tough time yourself yet she doing the best you can re contact. That will help them, hearing your voice, knowing you love them.

My grandma had dementia and two of her children took that that as a reason not to visit, too painful for them. What they didn't realise was she had good days as well as bad and on the good days she remembered them and missed them. Ultimately they did miss out but that's something they have to live with and wasn't my place or anyone else's to judge them on.

If possible go. Not for yourself but for them

You will never regret going, you probably will regret not going

My Mother was abusive.
I visited her when she was dying.
She chose to be abusive then too.

I realise this is different from your situation.
The reason I am commenting is that I think it is important to do what YOU can live with after they are gone.

I slightly regret that I didn't challenge her.
But I would probably regret it more if I hadn't gone.
This way, I behaved well (& she had every chance & chose not to)
I don't have any 'what if's'
Good luck with your situation.
It is never easy.

OP based on your update, I think you reconcile yourself to not going until after your operation.

Maybe try the zoom if it can be arranged without putting more work on visiting sibling. You can just make up some guff about the cost of the flight as to why you can't visit.

absolutely 100% go xx

For me it might depend on how likely they are to know you’re there and gain comfort from it. Especially if a lot of travelling.

I did visit a dying parent in the weeks and days up to death and yes it was very upsetting. They were in a very distressing state but knew I was there and they gained comfort from it and were able to hold my hand a couple of days before dying.

So I did it for them. I found it quite traumatising for various reasons, many people do. But I’ve learned to cope with it. I felt that doing this for them was part of taking on some sort of adult responsibility, no matter how distressing for me. I also found I had the strength to cope with it that I didn’t know I would have. Few years later now and I still remember all the good times, have photos, video clips etc. Just speaking for myself. Everyone has to do what’s right for them.

That is despicable behaviour tbh and it's why I'm starting to dislike the whole 'There's no shame in putting yourself first' mantra which is increasingly popular online.

Sometimes I think we need MORE shame as a society. It keeps people's behaviour in check. It reminds us we're not the only person on the stage. It has a social function but it also makes us stronger as individuals.

I'm glad you were there for your mum @harriethoyle I understand why you would find it hard to forgive your sibling.

Given your update op it’s understandable that you wouldn’t want to put your health at risk or potentially cause more concern. It is a difficult decision. It sounds like they are well looked after.

Sorry if I missed this but is there a reason they haven't been assessed for having carers in through the day and night?

You may regret not going more than going. You may bring some real joy into there lives which will stay with you forever.
I spent the last few month of his life caring for my Dad one on one . Yes, it was upsetting for both of us and yes, at times I still feel traumatised by how much he was changed by his condition but I am only filled with love for him more than ever and glad for myself that we had that time together .

Please go and see them when you are medically able. I think you'll regret it if you don't.

I think it's sad when you end up going to the funeral rather than visiting when they are alive.