Have you ever regretted visiting dying parents

[SlippingIntoTheTwilightZone]

Just that, really. I haven't been able to visit them for five years (they live in another country, and I am going through a serious health crisis preventing travel). They are in their late 90s and very frail. Doubly incontinent and all the other joys that come with extreme old age. Sleeping most of the time, according to their carers. Only able to eat soup. They have been the most wonderful parents anyone could ask for and the last time I saw them they were active and engaged. I'm just wondering if I should be happy that this is how I will remember them instead of being witness to the indignities of this final stage of their lives.

If you can manage to visit I don’t think you’ll regret it. And you’ll also be able to support your sibling who is managing all the emotional burden on their own right now.

I really think you should go. Your op seems kind of selfish to me. "they were great and I'd be happy with that as a last memory" but what about theirs?! They deserve to see their child one last time imo.

Good luck whatever you do.

Can't the carer set up a Zoom call or something?

I used to Facetime my Dad when he was in a care homeon one of the staff's phone. She would hold it for Dad.

Didn't always get much out of him but was such a comfort being able to "see" him.

You should go for them. Your feelings come second.

In this case you need to set your feelings aside, it does not matter how it will make you feel.

It is you dying parents feelings that matter in this case, you should visit them.

Would I "feel" better if I didn't have to see my dad die? Yes. But as a child it is my duty to support my parent and be there for them.

Absolutely this. And your sibling's excuse that they wouldn't want her to see them like that sounds terribly callous and self-serving IMO.

I'm sorry for you - this is a difficult life stage. If your own health prevents the visit then a zoom call would be a good way of being a little more present. As others have said you should go if you can. This isn't something where you get a second chance, and you know that this is the final goodbye. Having been with both parents as they died I would not change things, nor do I wish to ever have to go through that again.

Do you have children op? Could you imagine them saying that about you?
I can't relate to your thought process at all or imagine not waiting to see my parents in their twilight years.
They will have devoted years to raising you. I'm sorry but I find you even considering the option of not being with them quite sad.

I don't think there is a right answer.

I was with my mum in her last few days of life , I am glad I was holding her hand when she died but if I could erase the images of my mum in those last few days I would. She was always feisty, full of energy and had immense strength but at the end she was so diminished and helpless. It's really painful to remember her that way, it's been nearly 7 years.

I thought that as time passed happy memories of how she was before she became ill would replace the sadness of the way she died but that hasn't happened for me. The grief about how she was when she died is barely any less raw after all this time.

I was a nurse for many years so know how people look at the end of life.

Some of these replies are quite harsh and perhaps have not recognised that it's a health issue that is preventing you from going.

Whilst I certainly agree that emotional feelings should be put to one side to do the right thing and visit DPs, please don't try and force yourself to go if it will exacerbate your health condition.

@Uninterestedfamily
''Very selfish not to go just because you feel a bit squeamish. When my mother was dying she was really upset one of my siblings chose not to be there. They've been there for you your whole life, don't abandom them when it would mean the world to them to know you truly care.''

And in your righteous indignation you decided to ignore the part where the OP states that she is going through serious health issues that prevent her from travelling...

No one should have to knowingly endanger their own health in this way.

OP, I did not go to my father's funeral in another country because it happened as I had just come out from spending time in A&E for ongoing, major health issues and was waiting for major surgery to have one of my organs removed.

if I had made the journey I would likely have ended up having to go to a hospital while abroad and I did not want to risk it.

I chose to put my own health first.

I would go. My dad died of cancer as a young man when I was a child and was nursed at home. It wasn't nice seeing the figure he became but even though I can still picture him ill, most of my memories are of him healthy. I don't think seeing them now will change your memories and they appear to have led good long lives.

If you can't get there then what else can you do but not go?

But I do think it's pure selfishness of your sibling who doesn't want to go to leave the entire burden on your sibling who is going. I'd have been wild if my siblings just left me to it, to carry all of that alone when the only barrier was their own hurt feelings.

Of course it isn't pleasant to watch your parents become ill before they die. But, well, to be frank, it's not about you, is it? Abusive and neglectful parents aside, it's about making your fragile parents feel cared for after a lifetime of care from them.

But that is not the question OP asked.

AIBU to not visit my dying parents because I cannot travel for health reasons? Fine, NBU

AIBU to be fine with not seeing my dying parents because seeing them dying would make me sad? Ermm, yes kind of.

Honestly I think it's a selfish question. You should be wondering if they'd like to see you. Which they would.

I adored my mum. I spent the last eight days of her life sitting beside her bed. I’ll never regret it. I’d never have forgiven myself if I hadn’t.

Would they like to see you? If yes, then go.

@FOJN Same here. I was with my Mum when she died. Pleased I went, absolutely the right thing to do, but it was tough. And I feel slightly bitter about the rest of the family who left me to do that on my own

I understand that anyone in your position would feel anxious and unsure of what you will experience if you do go Op. I agree with others that it would be a good thing to do for your mum. But I also think that, whilst it is hard it can also be good for you. I went to see/spend time with both of my parents at the end and in hindsight I felt privileged to have been with them and get to spend that time with them. It was difficult and sad and not what anyone wants to go through but I am glad I did.
I am also clear that if you really can’t go you should not beat yourself up over it - life is not perfect, things happen and therefore focus on what you CAN do - calls, letters, support to siblings are just as important.

Not quite the same, but my brother died in June and I was there. It was traumatic to see, but I will never regret being there to give whatever comfort I could and to properly say goodbye.
I'm sorry you're going through this, it is so tough, but I would go as you might regret it otherwise. I had grief counseling which helped me to process the trauma afterwards. xx

Thanks all for being so kind. I am welling up now. My heart goes out to all of you who have sat and watched a parent die.

@karalimed Nail on the head... thank you.

TBH I'm not sure if they would like to see me (or rather, if they want me to see them). We have had discussions in the past about this and Dad in particular has said "I don't want my kids wiping my ass" and things of that nature, but obviously when the moment comes people sometimes change their mind.

My siblings are at war with one another about old grievances so I'm not kidding myself that there will be any mutual support/reconciliation there.

Realistically the earliest I could go would be next summer (if all goes well with my forthcoming treatment) so it may be a moot point. They really are so very frail and without many pleasures left in life. Sometimes I feel selfish for wanting them to hang on just so I can see them again and the rest of the time I wish they could live forever.

@FOJN I'm so sorry. This is exactly what I'm afraid of. I hope you're ok.

Why can’t you go before next summer? Believe me, any loving parent would want to see their child before they die.
please just go. You’re going to show them love and comfort. You’re not going to wipe bums (and so what if you were?).
I was with my parents when they died and it’s hard but I don’t regret it for a second. It gave them comfort

Only you know the answer here. I'm sorry you going through this. I know my uncle regretted seeing his mum that last time as she looked so different (vvvvv thin). She was vvvv I'll so knew time was limited but he says he really wish he not seen her like that. She wasn't awake so he didn't get to talk to her. My mum saw my gran a week before my uncle and vvvv glad she did x

Sounds quite tough on the only sibling that visits them . . .