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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have you ever regretted visiting dying parents

106 replies

SlippingIntoTheTwilightZone · 14/11/2022 12:09

Just that, really. I haven't been able to visit them for five years (they live in another country, and I am going through a serious health crisis preventing travel). They are in their late 90s and very frail. Doubly incontinent and all the other joys that come with extreme old age. Sleeping most of the time, according to their carers. Only able to eat soup. They have been the most wonderful parents anyone could ask for and the last time I saw them they were active and engaged. I'm just wondering if I should be happy that this is how I will remember them instead of being witness to the indignities of this final stage of their lives.

OP posts:
Ihavekids · 14/11/2022 20:57

Tbh sounds to me like you're using health as am excuse not to go. Or at least that's how your op was worded.
The thought of my kids ever speaking about me like that fills me with horror.
I think you'll feel better about yourself in the future if you move heaven and earth to be there with them.
Sorry if I'm wrong about making an excuse.

AndEverWhoKnew · 14/11/2022 21:02

I regretted not visiting more. I was able to spend time with my parents when they were terminally ill. Lots of time. And I still wish I'd spent more time with them, not less.

shinynewapple22 · 14/11/2022 21:06

Obviously if you have serious health issues then this is all beyond your control - and I hope you will be recovered soon .

However - if it is at all possible for you to go -'then do. Visiting ill or dying people is for their benefit -
not for yours and of course they would want to see you .

longtompot · 14/11/2022 21:24

My dad was there when his mum passed. It was very traumatic and he told me he wishes he wasn't there as that is his lasting memory of her. Not what she was before she passed. I think of you can go and visit then do, especially as you have a good relationship, but maybe not be there for the end. It's an awful decision to make and one I am dreading

Original poster
SlippingIntoTheTwilightZone · 14/11/2022 21:24

@Ginger1982 Yes they have, thank you for those words. They both have said "we've had a wonderful life" and that they know they will be going soon.

OP posts:
Original poster
SlippingIntoTheTwilightZone · 14/11/2022 21:36

@BHRK I have to have a very invasive surgery and am on the urgent waiting list so I could be called in any time. Once I've been discharged I won't be able to travel for several months. I haven't told my parents about this as I don't want to worry them. They know i have had health problems but they think everything is in remission, as it had been for many years.

@theculture It is tough and she looks so haggard; she stays over quite often with them and is up several times in the middle of the night as they wake up at all hours... I am angry at my other sibling, even though I have no right to be as I'm not there either!

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 14/11/2022 21:38

It was hard to see my dad frail as he was dying from a lung disease, but I couldn’t have not seen him. Even after he died I just wanted to go and spend some time with him. It’s not easy to see your parents like that, but sure they’d appreciate the chance to see you again one last time

longtompot · 14/11/2022 21:42

Does your other sibling have a genuine reason not to visit like you do? I think if not then you have every right to be angry they aren't visiting and helping your other sibling out

ListeningButNotHearing · 14/11/2022 21:44

This has go to be one of the strangest questions I've heard.

You love them, they were very good to you - of course you go and see them.

sandybeaches · 14/11/2022 22:02

I’m sorry your parents are ill. It must be very hard being so far from them.

My mum was moved into a hospice to when she deteriorated rapidly (terminal brain tumour). I was visiting her every day. She’d shrunk to the size of a small bird and was no longer offered food or water. They would rub her lips with a small wet sponge on a stick which her lips would reach for like a baby desperate for milk. It was very hard to see. The knowledge & grief of what was to come (but when?) was truly exhausting. That coupled with looking after my 3 young children & the daily 3-4 hour round trip to the hospice did leave me physically & emotionally ragged & I wondered how much longer so could do it for.

I came home one day & fell into an exhausted semi conscious sleep on the sofa. Without prompting my 6 year old daughter silently came over, lay a blanket over me & kissed me on the cheek. The love & comfort that permeated my semi consciousness was everything. I felt her there & I knew then that I must go everyday to my mum because that’s how I wanted her to feel her when she passed away.

I held her hand whilst she died & I am enormously proud of myself for being there because it was so very hard but it was for her. The hospice memories fade & a few years down the line your left with happier memories.

I am not saying my way is the right way, just another story to reflect upon perhaps. Some of my siblings did not want to be with her in the end because it was so very hard & they had some very tough other things going on in their lives at the time. I am sure they too are proud of the way they showed my mum their love before she died. She knew we all loved her.

Noseylittlemoo · 14/11/2022 22:12

When my Dad passed away he has suffered a brain tumour and was not the person I knew as my Dad my whole life. My Dad was the person I went to for everything - he always knew the right thing to say/ or the right person to go to etc. So to see him in an adult nappy making it impossible to do his Shorts up, and sometimes speaking sense but most of the time nonsense was heart breaking. My husband admired my Dad so much that he couldn't cope to see him like that and would not visit towards the end. But I could not ignore him. He had been there for me from a premature baby in intensive care, through supporting me through years of treatment for Anorexia which must have been traumatic. It was my turn to be there for him. I don't know most of the time whether he registered I was there or not but I could not bear to think of him being alone and thinking 'I hope Nosey little moo will come and visit'...

Noseylittlemoo · 14/11/2022 22:14

I would also add that whilst those memories are sad - I had tears in my eyes writing that post and thinking about it. Now 3 years after his passing I have just as many if not more times of thinking of funny or happy times.

Cheeseandlobster · 14/11/2022 22:17

DirectionToPerfection · 14/11/2022 12:25

If they were wonderful parents then they deserve to have their children with them at the end of their lives, not to be left alone and scared because it's 'too difficult'.

Agreed. You are making this all about you. What would your parents like? How would you feel if your dc's didn't see you when you got older as it was too difficult? You will probably regret it if you don't go. Sorry but aside from your own health issues which is understandable, you sound very selfish

Swannning · 14/11/2022 22:18

sandybeaches · 14/11/2022 22:02

I’m sorry your parents are ill. It must be very hard being so far from them.

My mum was moved into a hospice to when she deteriorated rapidly (terminal brain tumour). I was visiting her every day. She’d shrunk to the size of a small bird and was no longer offered food or water. They would rub her lips with a small wet sponge on a stick which her lips would reach for like a baby desperate for milk. It was very hard to see. The knowledge & grief of what was to come (but when?) was truly exhausting. That coupled with looking after my 3 young children & the daily 3-4 hour round trip to the hospice did leave me physically & emotionally ragged & I wondered how much longer so could do it for.

I came home one day & fell into an exhausted semi conscious sleep on the sofa. Without prompting my 6 year old daughter silently came over, lay a blanket over me & kissed me on the cheek. The love & comfort that permeated my semi consciousness was everything. I felt her there & I knew then that I must go everyday to my mum because that’s how I wanted her to feel her when she passed away.

I held her hand whilst she died & I am enormously proud of myself for being there because it was so very hard but it was for her. The hospice memories fade & a few years down the line your left with happier memories.

I am not saying my way is the right way, just another story to reflect upon perhaps. Some of my siblings did not want to be with her in the end because it was so very hard & they had some very tough other things going on in their lives at the time. I am sure they too are proud of the way they showed my mum their love before she died. She knew we all loved her.

What a lovely daughter you have sandybeaches.

OP my heart goes out to you, dealing with such difficulties yourself on top of this hard dilemma.

If you cannot go then you should not beat yourself up about it. Maybe as suggested previously, you could ask a sibling or carer to set up a zoom call - I am sure that they would love to see you.

Be kind to yourself - I hope that your treatment has a good outcome Flowers

DaveSpondoolix · 14/11/2022 22:19

Per PP, there's no right or way to handle this. DH and I were in similar situations to you in recent years. I was at my parent's bedside and will always be glad I was. DH decided he couldn't do that with his parent (he had found visits very upsetting whereas i found them affirming) and will always be glad that he didn't, because it was the right decision for him, like mine was right for me. It's hard. I'm sorry.

Candleabra · 14/11/2022 22:21

Yes you should go.
I understand it’s hard, but they’re your parents. And especially if they would know you were there. Of course they’d want to see you. They probably haven’t asked because they don’t want to know the answer if you say no.

Winceybincey · 14/11/2022 22:25

You will likely regret not going. It’s difficult to predict how you’ll feel after they’ve passed. You’ll think you’ll be okay and that you’re making the right decisions whilst they’re alive, but grief naturally brings regret over so many things that hadn’t even crossed your mind beforehand. I’m talking from my own experience though, and the unexpected shock-horror I felt for months when the inevitable happened, the amount of regrets I had were quite some. And from talking with others about it it’s normal and part of the grief process.

if you can go then please do. It may not be pleasant but you will be relieved afterwards that you were able to spend some more time with them before it’s never again possible. Time is so so precious - for them as well as for you. I’m sure they’ll be so happy to have you there before they go.

You still have time with them, I wish I could go back in time and undo the choices I made, but it’s no longer possible for me and one day it won’t be for you.

All the best OP x

Honeyroar · 14/11/2022 22:32

Noseylittlemoo · 14/11/2022 22:14

I would also add that whilst those memories are sad - I had tears in my eyes writing that post and thinking about it. Now 3 years after his passing I have just as many if not more times of thinking of funny or happy times.

That’s lovely to read. My dad died a couple of months ago, and the last few weeks were pretty harrowing and distressing. Initially I was relieved it was over for him, but now it’s haunting me a little remembering how poorly he was.

I’d do it again in a heartbeat though.

Wishiwasinmalta · 14/11/2022 22:53

Knowing how stretched carers and healthcare staff are, I think I would have to be there to be an advocate, keep an eye on comfort, give reassurance etc…

Edinlassy · 14/11/2022 23:05

So sorry for the situation you are in. I stayed with my father the last 5 days of his life until he slipped away. Hardest thing I have ever done but absolutely no regrets. I would say go if you can, more chance you will regret not going. Sending you a very in mumsnet hug but you need it

elephantseal · 14/11/2022 23:09

Waitingfordecember · 14/11/2022 12:33

If your parents were good parents then you should visit for them, even if it is hard for you.

I’m sorry to be blunt but staying away to protect your happy memories sounds really selfish in this situation.

Yep. And if you feel this way, think how you'd feel if your kids decided to ignore you in your dotage because it was too hard for them... 🙄

Nanny0gg · 14/11/2022 23:10

SlippingIntoTheTwilightZone · 14/11/2022 12:30

Thank you all for your replies. I will go if I possibly can. I know they won't be alone as one of my siblings will be there for them, but I guess I am a bit afraid of what I am going to find when I get there. I think my sibling is getting a bit traumatised by it all and they are much stronger than I am.

It isn't easy and I won't pretend it is. But you're doing it for them, not you.

If you can go, then do.

fUNNYfACE36 · 14/11/2022 23:30

In the kindest way, it's not all about what is best for you!

maddy68 · 14/11/2022 23:40

Definitely visit. I felt so much better for it despite years of no contact. It was for me not them if I am honest I'm glad I did it

Pixiedust1234 · 14/11/2022 23:44

I've only read your posts OP, and it sounds really tough. Clear your mind of all thoughts and then ask yourself this. Would you regret not going?

With my mother I decided I would regret not forcing myself to visit (was in horrendous pain/ill health myself), and I am very glad I did. It was worth it.
With my father I decided I wouldn't visit him. Many years later I still have no regrets about that.

It seems you won't be able to make a decision until after your own health has been dealt with so put this on a backburner until next year. Theres nothing you can do until then so stop giving yourself anxiety and stress in the meantime.

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