Christmas Guests

[Username4561]

Am I being unfair?

We normally 'host' my family (my sis her kids and mum) for Christmas Dinner, and I use the word host very loosely.
We use my house as I have younger kids but really it is a team effort, sis and mum pitch, with all of it from buying food to clearing up.

We always extend an invite to PIL who only occasionally accept.

This time ILs want to accept but want us to host SIL and family as well.

Meaning a total of 15 people for dinner, 2 different dietary requirements. ILs aren't the sort to pitch in.

Am I being unfair to say No that 15 is too many people.

I usually have 12 and it is A LOT!
A hell of a lot to feed and cater for.

It is rude that your PIL invited their dd and family to your Christmas lunch - wfh?!
I would split in two, and have your dm and ds on Christmas Day and others on Boxing day. Why do you have to do this at all? I would just say PIL most welcome but we can't fit in more.🤔

We've had 17 of us before at Christmas in a 3 bedroomed house. IIRC only two didn't stay over. But we kind of like that, so I appreciate it's not everyone's cup of tea.

You have only 8 place settings so you're going to need another table from somewhere, and the space to put it. You would also need to be very prescriptive about what people bring - drinks and food in particular - to cut down on the amount of cooking you do. Guests will also have to bring lots of cutlery and crockery.

If they're not prepared to do that then it simply couldn't happen, but you'd be well within the bounds of resonable to say that you could host your in-laws alone but adding another family is simply too much.

@Venetiaparties

Don't you give out tasks before Christmas to relieve you of some of the work?

'Mum & Dad - You bring starters and mince pies. Uncle Bob you bring a cheese board. Aunty Mabel you bring crackers and a trifle.'

What your DH and you should do is tell the inlaws that you're actually going away for Christmas and you won't be around to do Christmas dinner. Then as you get closer to Christmas, say "Oh yeah, we changed our plans" but just be unable to fit them in, due to your short notice you were lucky to be able to get enough food for yourselves let alone feeding the 5000 (so to speak).

Well yes you could do that if you want to be all weird about it, or you could just politely respond that you can't host that many people so sorry, but no.

It was a simple- if rather cheeky- question, shouldn't be hard to respond to without sneaking around with false moustaches and pointing at diversionary elephants in the sky.

i mean I didn’t. But yea, her poor husband - he spends every year with his ILs but she can’t do one with hers. I clearly read he agrees - probably because he’s her husband and it seems non negotiable for OP. Why should her sister be allowed to come but his not?

like I said, I don’t get on with my in-laws - we actually despise eachother if I’m completely honest. I would never spend Xmas with them. DH would have to go alone, but I also know like OPs husband he’d stick with me. I just think if they’ve done nothing wrong, there should be a compromise.

I'd tell them that they're welcome to come but you won't be cooking a traditional Christmas dinner - instead, it will just be curries/buffet food - as you're not interested in spending the whole of Christmas day in the kitchen catering for everyone. If they do come, I'd shove some drinks on the side and tell everyone to serve themselves. Likewise for food.

I wouldn’t forego my traditional Christmas dinner personally. And I prep everything Christmas Eve during the day so I don’t spend all of Christmas Day in the kitchen. It’s just a bigger roast dinner, I’m not sure what the fuss is about. The more the merrier. MIL is cheeky for asking but there’s the OP, DH & DC along with mum, sister and her DC. PIL were invited so in reality it’s probably only 2 adults and 2/3 children extra.

I mentioned up thread that when asked to provide a course (which specifically was to do the saladS) SIL/BIL turned up with a small dish of Israeli couscous salad and that was it, and they knew there would be 7 of us dining together. so I wonder how well trained others here have their visiting family members on food quantities?

it’s all very well to say the OP should host the ones MIL has invited, but the food/drink has to come from somewhere for the day to remain pleasant for everyone and not be a financial/work burden for the hosts.

Don't ruin your Mum and Sister's Christmas!
My Mum would have anyone and everyone over for Christmas.
Everyone brought booze and food and helped cook and clear up.
It really was lovely.

Ignore this one!
Your sister and Mum sound lovely.
You clearly have a lovely time with them and if it were me I wouldn't want to change that in the interests of "fairness".
Do what makes you happy.
(Although I have a more the merrier philosophy but ONLY if everyone contributes.
How would presents work eg.
At my family gatherings exchanging small presents was a huge part of Christmas.

@Valeriekat
Thanks.
Definitely not changing stuff this year in the interest of 'fairness'. Life isn't always fair.

Present exchange would be very awkward too. I hadn't actually got as far as thinking about that bit. My family would want to exchange a token gesture. ILs wouldn't 😬

But whatever DH has agreed its too many and would be far too stressful. If they want a Big family Christmas it needs to be organised in advance not 6 weeks before Christmas when food orders are in.

Would you consider a Xmas with in-laws another year? How would you feel if you have a DC that always had Christmas with their partner’s family

So @Username4561 are you saying you would never have a Christmas with your 'IL' side of the family whether it's at your house or another location?

Agree on the timings - 6 weeks notice isn't much time with turkey ordering.

I do wonder why people find Christmas dinner so stressful - it's just a big roast. Get people joining you to do the other courses or bring things e.g. wine, crackers, crisps, nibbles etc.

@Valeriekat so how do you do you Christmases? Do you alternate with your family and DP's family?

I do think it's too late for OP to be changing her plans for this year, however, I think it is short sighted to think this Christmas routine doesn't have a negative impact on the 'in law' side of the family.

I don't particularly enjoy my 'in law' Christmases - they are all introverted and quiet - but I do know that my PIL appreciated it when they had all their GC together on Christmas day. We all chipped in and helped, no one was stranded in the kitchen slaving away. I am so glad we did it as MIL died in 2020.

I have 2 DS, I would hate to think that if/when they find a DP, that i would never see them again on Christmas day, particularly if they had DC - very sad

I'd do Christmas with his family if they gave me notice, just don't wait until my family have discussed Christmas food and ordered it.

Re the question on how would I feel if I never got my kids together at Christmas. Well I'd want them together at some point over Christmas/NY. And probably host them at other points in the year too.

But you never know what family dynamics will come into play. Or what circumstances your kids will find themselves in, married, widowed, emigration, never have kids that all plays a part in how Christmas looks within a family.

The inlaws may well want all their family together but then they should host. I actually hate people inviting others to my home. Just because I've invited family A doesn't give them the right to invite B as well. Your inlaws haven't actually done this (mine have) but are asking if you will host them. If it's too much then say no. I also find it rude that they didn't pitch in and if sil is anything like them that would bother me.

Ultimately it's up to you and your dh.

I've done Christmas Day for 14 in a normal house, th'emergency chairs and all, but my rule is Keep put of the bloody kitchen, can't stand people 'helping' when I know exactly what I'm doing!

Well good for you. We aren't all master chef.

I loved sharing (Mum's) kitchen with all the Aunties Sister and Granny. Looking back I don't know how we managed but it was really special.

Sadly my in laws both died a few years ago but when we all lived in the same country as my parents we did try to alternate but always went to them so never hosted. I do know the in laws loved having the Grandchildren for Christmas and were always very generous with gifts and their time.

Christmas at my parents was a lot more fun though.

YANBU to invite whomever you want to. If you do invite all, they need to chip in. Christmas dinner for 15 this year won’t be cheap.

@Username4561 just wondering if the PIL or SIL have invited you over for Christmas ever?

PPs make a good point - if they want a Christmas with all their DC and GC present they should invite you. Have they ever done that? If so, did you go?

Yes a long time ago, then when the DGC appeared ILs decided they'd rotate round their 3 kids. But their priority is seeing their DD over either their DSs.

The year i was due DD2 and needed a backup plan for DD1. They announced "Oh we are going away for Christmas".