Christmas Guests

[Username4561]

Am I being unfair?

We normally 'host' my family (my sis her kids and mum) for Christmas Dinner, and I use the word host very loosely.
We use my house as I have younger kids but really it is a team effort, sis and mum pitch, with all of it from buying food to clearing up.

We always extend an invite to PIL who only occasionally accept.

This time ILs want to accept but want us to host SIL and family as well.

Meaning a total of 15 people for dinner, 2 different dietary requirements. ILs aren't the sort to pitch in.

Am I being unfair to say No that 15 is too many people.

Currently at 12 for the full Xmas lunch sit down meal, realistically 16 is the max I would want to do at home unless it's a buffet type meal. I am predicting we will get to 14 as there always seems to be someone who has no other plans at lasr minute!

Having thought about this, I do think that it's unreasonable that you spend every Christmas with your family.

It must be hard on your PIL that they never see all their DC & GC together on Christmas day. Maybe because your routine is so entrenched this is the only way she feels she can do it. (They should invite all their family over to their house but maybe they feel they can't as you always have Christmas at your house).

I think you need to see this from your PIL perspective and maybe say yes to SIL and her family. Your routine must be so hard on your PIL.

We only have 6 dining room chairs, plus a garden table and three chairs, so if I was catering for lots of people the maximum would be 9 in my house, and one of them would be eating off picnic plates

I have to agree that some people when asked to bring something will completely forget or decide to bring something they think is better. Sometimes group events are like herding cats and if you don't know how good someone is at pitching in Christmas Day is the riskiest time to find out as if they bring nothing or a cheeseboard instead of the side dish they were asked to bring there's no option for running to the shop to get anything else.

@RitaFires yes or if asked to bring vegetables bring a bag of unpeeled carrots, unprepared Brussel sprouts and a raw red cabbage.

I've been bitten before in the summer when I asked people to bring dessert and they brought massive punnets of strawberries that hadn't been washed or hulled.

Personally I would say no.

We could host that many but it would be so much more work and expense. But the main reason I don’t invite dps family for Sunday roast/Christmas Dinner/NY Day dinner anymore is, every single time we have not one of them has offered to take so much as a plate away.

They just come round and expect to be waited on all day, never offer to help in anyway. It boils my blood tbh.

We used to go to dps mums on Boxing Day and she would do a small spread, dp and I washed up and put away every year.

I think it is just so cheeky not to offer to help, maybe it’s just me…

But some people don't offer help, usually they are clueless, lazy or both. In these cases you allocate tasks to them. Be explicit and firm. If they still don't help, just sack them off.

No no no and no.

It's rude for them
To ask but perfectly fine for you to say no. Be honest and say it's too much. Don't let them change your mind:

It wouldn't be easy for me to not have Christmas with Mum and Sis, both are single.

so your DH is ok with never seeing his own family on the day? and that your DCs only get to spend the actual day itself with your family but not his?
Your family your rules i guess, but it seems harsh on the other granny that she has to be 2nd best.

But. I'd be saying to ILs, in your shoes, "sorry, no too many people" and then maybe invite them and the SIL etc to another day, with the provisio that you are not doing all the work and give them a list of tasks you expect them to do, for them to divide among themselves. No agreement, no visit

It wouldn't be easy for me to not have Christmas with Mum and Sis, both are single

I’m not sure this makes a difference as they also have each other and your DSis kids though? So they aren’t on their own are they?

Also … We always extend an invite to PIL who only occasionally accept

This makes it sound like they are an afterthought, but also “only occasionally accept”… you sound like you’ve taken it personally that they don’t come more often. What do you expect them to do - dump their other DC every year?

Too right I’m suggesting that.

if they wanted all the family together why have they not suggested months in advance going somewhere where brother no. three could come too, he isn’t even in the equation.

the fact remains, there will be 15 people, the OP says so. She has conceded that if the in laws invited her for Christmas she would go, she has also said that the PIL could come to her.

what she doesn’t want is all the people and work that comes with it.

Let’s agree to disagree eh?

I think you’re being mean to your ILs. Maybe they are trying to accommodate the fact you won’t be separated from your mum and your sister!

@Sestriere OP said she would probably go, wasn't a definite and said she would prefer Boxing Day, as wouldn't want DM and Dsis on their own, although I assume they could be together

I get why OP doesn't want a houseful, but it seems unfair that she always has her family for Xmas but DH doesn't

You all go and have Christmas dinner at a Toby Carvery or similar. No hassle and no clearing up!
Or you have Christmas at home just your own family and see everyone on Boxing Day.

I would tell them it's too many people to cook lunch for but that they are welcome to come over later. And then just do a easy buffet for later.
When I was a child my mum's mum came to lunch as she was one person and my dad's family another 7 people would arrive in the afternoon for afternoon tea and to spend the evening. This worked really well no one was left out and the cooking was managable. Everyone helped wash up.

Reading through again - it makes “your blood run cold” that your husbands parents have asked to spend Xmas with their child and grandchildren? Are you for real?

i don’t get one with my ILs at all but to me that is so bloody extreme.

have they actually done anything wrong? If not your poor husband.

No, YANBU, obviously. It's beyond rude to invite other people to someone else's house!
And don't say 'sorry, not this year' – they'll ask next year!
Just 'No, that's not going to work.'

Oh dear, you've failed to comprehend.

It's the SIL and her family that the OP doesn't want to host, not her husband's parents.
And her 'poor husband' 'thinks we should say No too', if you look.

'Dpil, sorry that's too many to host. How about we all come to you on Boxing Day?'

It's just as cheeky as they were.

@DameHelena that's it exactly its just the sheer workload of trying to have that many people for dinner that totally sapped my joy.

As@Mixednuts574 commented its the capacity of the house for dinner. Space, numbers of chairs, space in the kitchen.

I suspect @Sestriere is very close to the mark. Someone wants a Big Christmas but doesn't want the hassle of actually organising or catering for it.
If they really wanted it they'd organise it in advance, not wait to 6 weeks before Christmas when people have already done their food orders.

Yes I do favour my family over his, rightly or wrongly, I also know who'll be there to help us out when shit happens and who'll be running for the hills.

I said to DH they were welcome to come round after dinner, or we can go to them between Christmas and New Year.

.

All the comments about the "poor pil" - they were invited and always get an invite! They choose whether they spend the day with their ds and op, or their dd and her family. I don't see how they're being hard done by?

Plus we don't know the family dynamics do we? Op's dh has said he thinks they should say no and they're his parents and sis! Op isn't being selfish imo, and if pil or sil want a big get together for all then they should offer to host it.

I know lots of people who like a "just us" Christmas like the sil with no stress of hosting, if she likes to do this some years then that's up to her. Lots of families like doing it so why are some pp feeling sorry for sil and suggesting she's being left out if it's her decision?! Those years the ils go to op for Christmas and sounds like a decent arrangement to me.

Imo it's v cheeky for pil to ask op to host for them and sil's family as well, I'd have no problem saying no sorry it's too much.

Op just say no and don't lose sleep over it, it's a huge ask. If pil want a Christmas all together like some ppl are suggesting then pil need to verbalise that and make it clear. Then they can always offer to host it at theirs, or maybe sil's if she wants a big get together too. Bet they won't or surely they would have suggested it before, instead they ask op if she can host everyone!

It's cheeky, it's a huge ask and you're not being unreasonable op, don't feel bad just explain it's too much for you to take on 15 people!

@Ivyy The OP's mum gets Christmas with her 2 daughters, whereas PIL have to split their Christmas's between their adult children. They probably know that it would be probably begrudged if they invited OP and their son to theirs for Xmas, as OP has said she would prefer to be with them another day rather than Xmas

@Username4561

Thanks for getting back to us.

Do you always have Christmas at your house?
Have you ever been to PIL or SIL's house so that your DH's family can have Christmas day all together?

Don't get me wrong, I definitely favour my family over DH's family (sounds like for exactly the same reason as you), however, we do alternate Christmases between my family and his. Particularly when the DC are young and there is a bit of magic around Father Christmas etc. I wouldn't like my PIL to never to have a Christmas where their family isn't all together.

(When I am having an 'In law' Christmas I tend to help a lot in the kitchen &/ or drink a lot)