Christmas Guests

[Username4561]

Am I being unfair?

We normally 'host' my family (my sis her kids and mum) for Christmas Dinner, and I use the word host very loosely.
We use my house as I have younger kids but really it is a team effort, sis and mum pitch, with all of it from buying food to clearing up.

We always extend an invite to PIL who only occasionally accept.

This time ILs want to accept but want us to host SIL and family as well.

Meaning a total of 15 people for dinner, 2 different dietary requirements. ILs aren't the sort to pitch in.

Am I being unfair to say No that 15 is too many people.

The in laws very rarely accept the invitation.

Could I suggest having Christmas catered? I know a few families that order Christmas lunch with all the trimmings and split the cost evenly p/person (regardless of age). Everyone takes home a bit of leftovers, if there are any. Someone does the pick-up and everyone byob's. Seems to have solved a lot of issues for them. One year, instead of hosting, we decided to go to a nice hotel for Christmas and it was great! It wasn't the same, of course, but it was a nice change. Just a thought.

@Mixednuts574 I can relate to that . I invited some of my husbands closest family to lunch between Xmas and new year a few years ago . There was going to be 11 of us. The date was a bit of a PITA because we were going away early the next day but we decided to go with it was the only day we could do. I can cater for 12 just about anymore and we have to borrow chairs etc . About a week before hand my BIL invited his adult kids and their families to come too ( telling them we won’t mind ) so massively upscaling the event and introduced two additional dietary requirements on top of two we were already happily accommodating . I found this so rude anyway but I was furious when he knew we were going away . Usually we borrowed chairs from our neighbours but they were already already away so we would have struggled to find seats . Anyway when I pointed out that they would have to all bring their own chairs etc funnily enough they suddenly found that they had other plans - they are happy to “inconvenience” me but not bring their own chairs ( which would have meant driving so no boozing !).

I think you’re being very selfish. If this were being written by your ILs the question would be very different:

AIBU for being upset that our family is split up every Christmas because DIL/SIL only ever wants to spend it with her side of her family?

And the answer would be a firm YANBU.

I don’t think you’ve realised that by doing what you do you are putting DH’s family in a very difficult and unfair position every year. Why is it ok that they never have a family Christmas together in order that you can? You’re making it very clear they are not a priority in your life which is a much bigger part of the problem here than whether you have to fill a few more plates on Christmas Day.

You say that the SIL on your DB’s side has had plenty of “stress-free” Christmas’ with “just them”. You say stress free as if somehow this makes their life easier not to be there and you are hard done by having to host. Perhaps they felt they have to do that as they don’t feel welcome at yours (which they clearly aren’t), and what other options do they have let’s face it? Why wouldn’t it also be ok for your mum, sister and her kids to have a “stress-free” Christmas one year so you could see the ILs and you see your side of the family between Christmas and NY for a change?

I think this is your PILs way of saying to you that they also want their family to be together at Christmas, but they can’t do that because of the choices you make. They’d also be right as the only thing you’re seeing is the work involved for you and your family to have them there.

There are plenty of other ways to have Christmas together that don’t involve one person hosting a sit down meal for 15 people. I think if you really thought about their perspective and what your choices mean for your DH’s family then you’d consider them.

If you, your DH, mum and sister are already in the kitchen would you really want more people in the mix? I would ask them if they would bring desserts or cheeseboard, something that I wouldn’t want taking up room in the fridge until there was space once the turkey was out of the way. Buy them some fancy marigolds as a joke gift for washing up, get some games in and go for it. It’s one day what’s the worst that can happen.

You are NOT being selfish, you’re not saying MIL and FIL can’t come, just the whole bloody extended family on that side, their kids, dog, rabbit and NDN.

from what I’ve read the in laws have three children right? Two sons and a daughter. You have a sister and mum on her own.

given the size of most houses, your family, mum and sister and PIL is enough for anyone.

I suspect SIL CBA to host this year,her mum has said she isn’t doing it for everyone either so the CFs have said “let’s go to Usernames this year and have a Christmas off”.

i think it is very acceptable for your DH to say to his mum, he’s very sorry but 15 is too many, we can’t accommodate and don’t have the space.

And to add…..how often has SIL invited your family, your sister and your mum? I would guess never!

@Sestriere You’re all assuming that the ILs are coming because they want some sort of free ride for Christmas.

What if what they want is actually just to be together for a change?

And you say when has the SIL ever invited them all? Tbh it sounds like the OP has made it clear she wouldn’t want an invitation anyway so why would they bother? Likewise … if you have let’s say 10 going to the OPs house (including the PILs) you don’t then try to upstage them by moving their whole party by moving to the SILs house?

OP I think it’s their way of saying that they would like some time together as a family too.

Mmmm. It’s all very well saying this but from my experience, you do need to think of the practicalities or else the whole day can become massively stressful for you and chaotic and not very enjoyable for guests, particularly when there are young children present. And the budget can get wildly out of control if things are not planned properly.

The above applies if you are serving a full Christmas dinner but obviously it’s able to host many more people in a much less formal way. It depends what your guests expectations are I suppose? And what you can all agree on.

It’s really , really great if everyone decides what to do and then they all pitch in equally. And that has happened once or twice and was brilliant . My experience in reality though is, as with other areas of life, just a few people usually end up doing the majority of the work and bearing most of the cost. Sorry if that sounds lacking in Christmas spirit but that’s been the reality for me and I don’t mind that as long as I can plan for it.

Of course it would be great to be able to open your doors to everyone with a blanket invitation but the reality is that most of us don’t live in a mansion and we definitely have financial and practical constraints to consider, particularly with the cost of living crisis this year.

I think you say no it’s too much for us but what a great idea to get everyone together, let’s us and sil go to pils for the 28th/ New Year’s Eve /day. And if they’re not keen that really highlights how cheeky it was to ask! (15 people is smaller than each of our 4 family Christmasses, but I completely recognise it’s a lot for many people and if it’s too hard it’s too hard!)

YANBU, they are! What guests get to say who hosts should invite?

Just to throw something in... couple of times growing up we did Xmas at my gran's. 18 or so of us, teeny house. No way would have fit everyone round the table so we had Xmas buffet. All cold except for a big salmon that was the centrepiece. We all sat on the floor (kids) sofas (adults) with food on laps. Everyone brought stuff and with that many was plastic plates so no washing up!! It was so bloody lovely when I look back.
Could that be an option for you?

You can do what you like.

Do you have enough space?
Do you like all your various ILs?

The only reason why I would not totally dismiss it, is that 'big' Christmases tend to be the ones I remember most and my DC love.

You definitely have to allocate tasks and be clear on who is bringing extra stuff E.g. Plates, chairs, food, booze etc

Whenever I have hosted a big Christmas, I've only had to make the main course which was pretty easy.

Having enough space is probably the deal breaker though.

Def say no. It doesn't sound like you have the sort of relationship with them that would make asking you ok.

I don’t think it’s cheeky to ask, they want their whole family together, it’s understandable.

However, saying no is perfectly acceptable. I wouldn’t have enough chairs in my house!

Back when they were all alive, we split it with my family Xmas day, then his on Boxing or shortly after (not all - he had five brothers - but his parents and my stepsons if they'd spent Xmas at their mother's, for example).
As for 'pitching in', can't stand it when people do that and can you really have another two people (as I'm sure it will be the women) in your kitchen?
So, say no, 15 too much, but happy to see them another day (not necessarily you hosting it).

Maybe say no this year but let DH have Christmas Day with his side of the family next year. Most people on here would be saying you shouldn’t have to have Christmas every year with your MIL but that is exactly what your DH is having to do

Its not done to invite people to other people's houses. Your PIL are wrong here. What they should have done is have their family at their house and invited you and your mother and sister if they know they're an essential part of your Christmas day.

Don't rely on any help being offered either. Even if you present them with shopping list or task lists, there's no guarantee they'll oblige.

Most people on here would be saying you shouldn’t have to have Christmas every year with your MIL but that is exactly what your DH is having to do

yep.

As much as I get why you want to say no, I do think it’s slightly unreasonable- to them their son spends Xmas with his in-laws but they don’t get to see him, it doesn’t seem very fair.

myself and DH have a similar situation and just spend Xmas us two.

Why is it cheeky?

Every year you have your Mum and Sister, why is it cheeky to think you husband might do the same with his family?

I hate having 'everyone' over but I don't think it's unreasonable of them to ask this at all.

Have everyone chip in and get them to bring tableware.... then they'll also have to help wash or the wont be getting their stuff back.

Bit cheeky to ask for more people to come! I've always invited family who are single/alone, because they have no one else to celebrate with. They would only add 2/3 to my table. I would never invite entire families, because they can celebrate themselves. It's so stressful and extra work hosting. I'd say no, because its too much extra work for me. Remember people can ask, but you say no!

If it were me I’d say ‘sorry PIL not this year, that’s too many people for our house as Mum & sister are already coming over, but let’s plan to have you and SIL over next year or we can come to you?’ Maybe then look to alternate years between your ILs & DH’s ILs.

Definitely do not invite them and ask them to bring key ingredients or to do parts of the cooking.
They're likely to forget or bring the wrong thing, so much easier to know you have everything. For the helping - the only way I can just about cope when we have 12 for Christmas dinner is by keeping everyone else out of the kitchen. My absolute worst part is when everything is time critical and DH and SIL start fannying around with the sauerkraut ( their family tradition).

Sorry but I can't get over the fact that you invited in-laws and they then said yes but only if sil comes. So rude.

Great your DH is on board and agrees, so just say 'No, that doesn't work for us', I wouldn't give an explanation, no need.