Christmas Guests

[Username4561]

Am I being unfair?

We normally 'host' my family (my sis her kids and mum) for Christmas Dinner, and I use the word host very loosely.
We use my house as I have younger kids but really it is a team effort, sis and mum pitch, with all of it from buying food to clearing up.

We always extend an invite to PIL who only occasionally accept.

This time ILs want to accept but want us to host SIL and family as well.

Meaning a total of 15 people for dinner, 2 different dietary requirements. ILs aren't the sort to pitch in.

Am I being unfair to say No that 15 is too many people.

[Shinyandnew1]

@Username4561

@PiffleWiffleWoozle if they invited us, I'd probably have to say yes. But my preference would be to go to them on Boxing Day or something.

It wouldn't be easy for me to not have Christmas with Mum and Sis, both are single.

Do you always see your family on Xmas day?


Your mum could spend Christmas with your sister and family and you could host your in laws? What does DH want?

[Avacadoandtoast]

It’s totally your decision to say yes or no to, but if you say no don’t make it about how many plates you have in the house - they might then just bring some from their home!

[Brigante9]

If your Dh has already said too stressy, then just say no. It’s insanely cheeky of your pils to ask this. Why don’t they host them?

[WhatDoesTheNannyDo]

I would say no. I think it's cheeky to be invited somewhere and to ask to bring extra people.

I'm definitely of the less is more persuasion. I would prefer to have guests I can accommodate around the table. I'd rather pick the guest list. The most I can accommodate is 12. I want to have a nice table with matching plates.

Happened to us one year.

We invited ILs. A few days before BIL asked if he could bring his DM so she wouldn't be on her own. That was ok.

Day before BIL asked if he could bring his DBro, his partner and DSis, her DH and DC. Five extras on the basis that it's Christmas and the more the merrier. I said no for dinner but teatime would be ok for sandwiches and pudding. We had a conversation later and I said not to ask again. Some people want. Big Christmas without the effort and expense.

[Kite22]

Until your 2nd post, I was going to ask what your dh wanted.

Hosting 15 does sound quite stressful. Adding your PiL and SiL into the mix when your experience is they want to be "guests" when your own Mum and sis feel it is a joint effort certainly changes the dynamic.
However, it does seem unusual and a little unfair if you 'always' have Christmas day with your side of the family and dh, and dh's family never get that

[taliaG]

You don't want to ditch your mum, sis and family.

They don't want to ditch their other child and family.

No one is unreasonable here. We have done big Christmas days with extended family on both sides and to me it is just lovely and heartwarming to have everyone together.

But yes, I'd make sure everyone knows they are to bring a dish and give strict instructions on what they have to bring. It can actually lighten the load if you're only doing meat and veg and other people are bringing starters and desserts already prepped.

A little secret Santa exchange between everyone is fun too.

[BusyMum47]

@Username4561
Just say no!

It would change the entire dynamic, potentially spoil your day & definitely add a TON of extra work - especially if they're not the sort to pitch in!

Your house = your Christmas.

If the inlaws want other people inviting then THEY should host! It's downright rude to insist others are invited.

[Waitingfordecember]

I think if you and DH host your sister every year it would be rude to say no to hosting your SIL once (though I get it, I far prefer the dynamic in my own family to my in-laws).

I do think you’d be reasonable to say that you all usually chip in for Christmas, rather than hosting in the traditional way though. You could ask them to sort part of the meal (maybe bringing starters or dessert?). If they don’t want to do that they’ll have to turn down the invite, problem solved.

[StClare101]

So you have Christmas with your side of the family every year but DH’s family are an imposition?

Just allocate every adult attending (from both sides) part of the meal or a job.

MIL - adults dessert
FIL - 4 chairs and 4 plate settings

etc.

[Arenanewbie]

You didn’t put enough info in your post so it’s a bit tricky.It’s not clear why PiL asked to add SIL, in general why they wanted to join you and what the arrangements would be if you’d refuse.
However I agree with @Mixednuts574 that the hosting often has some sort of saturation point e.g we can host 8 but not 10, no seating space. And hosting your own mum and sister often means minor effort in comparison with hosting in laws. I don’t know why but it’s true.

[expat101]

I have sat that many down before but that was of my own choosing, not someone else's and they are a good bunch of people to dine with... Children were seated at their own (portable card) table.

However if this feels like its going to be incredibly difficult chances are it will be on the day.

As others have suggested, before you give any answer, ask what they intend to contribute to the table and day. Perhaps if they pick off a course to fully prepare and serve, that would ease the pain?

(and I'm equally mindful the last time I asked an IL to provide something for a shared meal, one small plate of israeli couscous salad was presented, so screw them down hard as to quantity).

[BigScreen]

We are the same as you OP. We go to the house which is biggest (sisters) but we all financially contribute and cook.

I actually don't mind others joining us but they would need to bring with them money, a table and chairs.

I don't get this 'you host, you provide everything' crap.

[mackthepony]

Just say no. You don't have the space. Say you'll see them another time

I hosted for 15 people at Christmas once, they said they would help out, clean, cook, etc. Did they help? Did they fuck. All shit faced on white wine

[mackthepony]

I do also find that your own mum, sister etc doesn't mind pitching in, but in-laws seem to think the rules are different. They can sit there, and don't want to 'interfere'

[RampantIvy]

I'm in the just say no camp as well. Do you even have enough chairs and table space let alone crockery snd cutlery?

[2Late]

Presumably SIL will be on her own otherwise.
Just say yes to them all OP, tell them what you want them to bring (including food, plates and a card table if needed) and have a good time! Stick the children together on the card table and the adults on the big one (or vice versa). Get a crate of wine and relax! If you take tha attitude that it will be fun, it will be.

[2Late]

When I was young we used to have family Christmas gatherings of 30 ish people at my uncle's house. We were a family of six so my mum had to bring the turkey, stuffing and christmas cake! Great fun as a kid.

[toomuchlaundry]

Does seem unfair that you always have Christmas Day with your family

[Username4561]

@Arenanewbie

You didn’t put enough info in your post so it’s a bit tricky.It’s not clear why PiL asked to add SIL, in general why they wanted to join you and what the arrangements would be if you’d refuse.
However I agree with @Mixednuts574 that the hosting often has some sort of saturation point e.g we can host 8 but not 10, no seating space. And hosting your own mum and sister often means minor effort in comparison with hosting in laws. I don’t know why but it’s true.

Generally PIL and SIL alternate their Christmas although SIL has been known to say "No we're having just us for Christmas" at which point PIL will accept an invite from one of the DSs.

I don't know why PIL though they could ask and put us on the spot or why they didn't invite us to them. Or suggest a family gathering at theirs between Christmas and NY. I struggle to remember the last time we were all invited to PILs at the same time.

It's not often I'd say no to something but the thought of it made me want to run for the hills.

[Username4561]

@2Late

Presumably SIL will be on her own otherwise.
Just say yes to them all OP, tell them what you want them to bring (including food, plates and a card table if needed) and have a good time! Stick the children together on the card table and the adults on the big one (or vice versa). Get a crate of wine and relax! If you take tha attitude that it will be fun, it will be.

If PIL decide to come to us SIL will be with her DH & kids, I don't feel in the least bad about that. They've had a few 'just us' stress free Christmases.

[LovePoppy]

@Username4561

If PIL decide to come to us SIL will be with her DH & kids, I don't feel in the least bad about that. They've had a few 'just us' stress free Christmases.

Name fail?

[alanabennett]

How many additional people are we talking? By my count you're already hosting for at least 8 (DH, you, Sis, mum, at least 4 kids) and you extend a standing invitation for two more (PIL).

In my experience if you can do 10 you can do 15...borrow a dinner table to use as the "kids table" and as others have suggested, if your in laws don't really pitch in, ask for a monetary contribution instead?

[BirdyWoof]

@frozengoose

I would say yes.
But I would give a clear shopping list for both PIL and SIL along with the chores that they would be covering.
Then they can decide if they want to come on that basis

I absolutely wouldn’t say yes.

People find it easy to agree to things months in advance without actually intending on doing it.

If OP says you’ll have to pitch in, of course they’ll say yes. But come the day, will they? I highly doubt it.

OP with be the mug, stuck in the kitchen slaving over a huge dinner while they sit on their arses in the living room barely lifting a finger. A shopping list is risky as they probably won’t even buy anything from it and then it’ll be OP who’s having to run around finding places open on Xmas Eve/Day to get what they didn’t.

It’s a hard pass from me. OPs husband wouldn’t be saying no unless he knew they’d not play ball.

[scarletisjustred]

If you want to hire extra tables, chairs, cutlery and glassware to host 15 people in a normal sized house, and deal with two different dietary requirements for ILs that don't muck in, crack on. It will ruin your Christmas Day. I perfectly understand your mother and sister who are on their own being guests with family at Christmas.

[kateandme]

But your sil can’t be blamed for having a family. Because if you look at it your mum is basically doing what your angry at pil for doing.your mum could be said is coming with your sis. Just like pil are coming with your dh sis.yes the numbers are different but that’s different.it is pil and ds from both sides.
mand it does seem unfair it’s never your dh side to that.
I think this is also how you feel towards your in laws because otherwise you’d be excited they were wanting to come.
if it’s too much it’s too much.but does feel unbalanced.