Financially ruined family

[Madeamistake1]

Name changed for this.

Without going into detail, I made a massive decision/mistake recently that almost certainly has life long financial implications for my family. We're not going to be destitute, but will affect the size of the house we can buy etc. Plus there are emotional implications too.

I'm really struggling to forgive myself and have slid into a deep depression. I have a baby boy and feel so guilty that I'm giving him a worse life than I could have done if I hadn't made this mistake.

How do I forgive myself and move on? The regret and guilt is eating me up.

People say "you couldn't have known this would happen" but I kind of did, and did it anyway. I wasn't thinking clearly.

I'm on ADs and still feeling so low and like I've ruined everything.

Good advice from @strawberriesplease. From beginning of New Year put it behind you. Move on make a better life for yourself. My Gran would have said, nobody died.

You are human op.

You are going to make mistakes, sometimes huge ones, life changing ones, life ending ones. We fail, we miscalculate, misjudge and make a terrible mess of things sometimes. But it is just life. It goes up, and it comes down. The problem of modern life is that we somehow expect everyone to get everything right, all of the time forgetting that we are not designed nor indeed is it even beneficial to never feel adversity, failure and misery.

The best life lessons are often the ones that hurt the most.

Come off the meds, look at what you did square in the face and tell yourself - I am only human, and I am going to forgive myself for this right now. I will not let this taint and ruin the rest of my life.

There are many things that are far more important op

If noone died from it then its just stuff.
We all make mistakes. Sometimes we massively fuck up. This is a learning moment and you can see clearly how much your husband loves you even when you do make mistakes.
You sound like youre trying so hard to process this and feel a lot of shame over it. In time youll find it easier to get it into perspective.

I don't think the OP should or needs to say what the mistake it. I'm assuming it is crypto but since she is clearly suffering with her mental health I don't think she should reveal more. The Daily Mail covers threads from time to time and she hasn't revealed enough to actually make a story put of it.

I'm not sure if you are still reading OP but everyone truly does make mistakes.

@Venetiaparties such wise advice. I struggled to forgive myself for a long time for something that really did hurt someone (I didn't do it knowingly). I apologised and made amends but it did stick with me for a long time and even now I feel guilty from time to time, but I have faced up to the fact that I'm human and we all do make mistakes. I'm far, far, FAR less judgemental than I was before which is a huge gift and comfort.

Then you will do both of you a favour by forgiving yourself, learning from your mistake and moving on. Beating yourself up and seeking reassurance from your husband will get you nowhere. Everyone makes mistakes.

Regrets can fester. You did what you thought was right at the time and it didn't pan out. Shake it off and move forward. Your DH sounds lovely.

This is such good advice.

We all make mistakes OP. Every single person on this planet. And while money does matter, if your family is healthy and happy together then that is the most important thing. Learn the lesson, forgive yourself (but don't forget the lesson) and move on.

This has happened to me. More than once.
First - can you get things in perspective? From what you've written, your family is not facing financial ruin. Having a smaller house than anticipated is a very long way from financial ruin.
Then think about how easy it is to make that kind of "financial mistake" - people do it all the time. When house prices were going up, delaying buying by 6 months, or buying in the wrong place, putting savings in the bank rather than investing them, choosing Job A rather than Job B, having a row with your boss and losing your job - all this can mean this level of "financial ruin", and people do these things every day.
Money is important, but if you are living at a reasonable level (reasonably nice place to live, not having to worry about money all the time for every little thing) you are doing okay and should not overestimate the importance of this. You may also feel better if you try to take control of the situation by finding a way to make some money - eg looking for a promotion or taking up a money-making part time activity that you also enjoy.

Sorry to hear this OP, we have all made big mistakes at one time or another. Just to lift some of the guilt off you a bit, the quality of your DC's life will not be dependent on living in a big house and having lots of things, it will be based on the love and the relationships he has around him. This is not something trite that I am telling you, I work as a child therapist and children can overcome anything with the love and support they need and often go on to be very successful even if they didn't come from a wealthy background. In fact my DS went to a private prep school for a time (we couldn't afford the senior school) and I was struck by how many of the parents did not come from a privileged background, it was by far the majority. I know you want the 'best' for him as we all do, but the best is genuinely for you to be there emotionally for him. And if you need some therapy or emotional support to be that for him after all that's happened, you should take it xxx

I guarantee your mental health and mindset will have a MUCH bigger impact on your DS and family than your financial situation will. Especially given you will not be homeless, destitute etc.

I suggest you get counselling and practice regular gratitude.

@WheresMyDodo

who the hell “assured you in was oBly in a specific area of Donegal”?

i haven’t even been to Ireland, let alone bought a house there - and I knew that the scandal most certainly was not confined to a specific area of Donegal

This is so true. Great advice.

@WheresMyDodo don't give up yet!
Have you seen this recent update for an "international" mica case built C2006 and now being taken on by lawyers.

I'd try and tag on to their claim.

Can't link but photo attached.

@VladmirsPoutine

I bet many many posters would consider him very unreasonable.

I made a massive decision/mistake recently

Recently! That's the key word.

It must still feel very raw, and if you have a baby then your protective instincts will probably be very strong and making you feel as if you have failed him.

Focus your efforts on making the future as good as you can, and don't let the past drag you down too much.

@WheresMyDodo Please please contact your local TD ( Irish MP ) or a vocal local councillor re your Mica problem.

What I don't understand re the Mica problem is that there is a HomeBond scheme for new homes. Surely the mica problem would fall under that.
What's Tom Parlon ex TD and now of the Construction Federation of Ireland doing about the problem?
Why aren't the maufacturers ( or their insurers ) or the builders being held responsible ?

So you messed up once. Next job is to prevent yourself falling into depression and messing up again in a far worse way.

Take those negative feelings and lock them up in a corner in your mind. Practice self care.

Look for small sources of joy: your baby's smile, your husband's presence, a sunny day, a pretty flower, a funny TV program until you feel better.

Thousands of couples a year throw their financial security, stability and status under the bus every year when they split up.

How many people, due to divorce, live in horrible little houses and will never retire? Plenty I bet.

You aks how you can forgive yourself an dmove on. Why pt make a promise to yourself that you will recoup the loss and more. Just find ways - as many as you can and stick at them until you do.

Learn from the mistake too. If it was a rash investment, only invest carefully from now on. If yoy lent money to someone who won't pay it back - don't lend again.

Over the course of a lifetime it is impossible not to make some reallys erious mistakes with big consequences. It is human to do so. We all do it. the point is to learn from them, try to make amends from them or do better next time, you may end up being better with money as a result and make more than you lost. You don;t know yet. But feeling a slump of guilt helps no one now. So forgive yourself and look hard at ways to learn from what happened and safeguard against it next time.

You are not the only one that voted for Brexit, OP.

Well yes

but presumably that was preferably to sharing a bed / bathroom / life with someone they couldn’t stand

Beautifully written, just what I needed.

It completely depends on what it is. You seem to have a forgiving husband. Focus on that and dial down the hyperbole.

There is no point beating yourself up about it. We all make mistakes. Learn from it, forgive yourself, as your dh has done, and move on.