Financially ruined family

[Madeamistake1]

Name changed for this.

Without going into detail, I made a massive decision/mistake recently that almost certainly has life long financial implications for my family. We're not going to be destitute, but will affect the size of the house we can buy etc. Plus there are emotional implications too.

I'm really struggling to forgive myself and have slid into a deep depression. I have a baby boy and feel so guilty that I'm giving him a worse life than I could have done if I hadn't made this mistake.

How do I forgive myself and move on? The regret and guilt is eating me up.

People say "you couldn't have known this would happen" but I kind of did, and did it anyway. I wasn't thinking clearly.

I'm on ADs and still feeling so low and like I've ruined everything.

Have you financially ruined your family or have you created a temporary set back? Have to lost your 40k house deposit on bitcoin but will still be able to buy a house in the future?

Everyone makes mistakes OP. We are all human. People dont talk about their mistakes enough but we do make them.

5 years ago I made a financial mistake. It really forced us to refocus and we honestly are happier now than before.

I don't know why we don't talk more about mistakes and it feels like there are very few resources to help people process them. It adds to the shame. If anyone know of books or resources I would be interested.

It's done now. Worrying about it or hating yourself isn't going to change it. Allow yourself time to wallow and lick your wounds but then look at what you can do to forgive yourself.

If your husband had done it, I'm guessing you'd have given him a hug and acknowledged he made a poor decision but that he is human and it happens and that he is more than just one mistake. What do you need to do to show yourself that kindness?

You said yourself:

• you're not going to be destitute
• your husband is ok about it
• your baby boy won't know anything

They are the things that matter. So keep reminding yourself of them.

Without the context it is hard to know how serious it is but ultimately, did anyone die? No. So you can move on from it.

You mention you're on ADs, do you think they are working as they should?

To err is human, your DH and DS love you any want your happy and not wracked with guilt.

That's the best thing you can give them.

OP, most of us have made mistakes and wish we could turn the clocks back on some financial decisions. Yes, yours may have been a biggy but your husband sounds really supportive and I'm sure he realises how awful you feel about your decision. You need to be kinder to yourself to get well. Look to the future, make new plans and enjoy your baby boy.

If your husband is genuine in his feelings then your relationship is worth far more than any amount of money.

You shouldn't be so hard on yourself. It's done now and I'm assuming the money won't be coming back (if you were scammed you should contact the police even if there's not much chance of it coming to anything -they can build up cases[.

Concentrate on what you can do and look forward to that. A smaller house can be made into lovely family home where your child will be happy. A happy loving mother is much more important than money in the bank.

Don't let a mistake ruin your life. We all make them, and the health and happiness of your family is more important.

We're not going to be destitute, but will affect the size of the house we can buy etc.

Get a grip.

People are struck down all the time with horrible things they have no control over and done nothing to deserve. Get over yourself and learn your lesson. It's a hard lesson, so don't waste it.

Time is the healer, here. It will pass.

counselling. Having a non depressed parent is worth more than money. (Been there, it affected my parenting.) you need to forgive yourself. good luck.

OP, I sold a business in 2019, perfectly timed, because in under 12 months Covid hit. But the last 3 years have been a disaster. DS was badly affected by lockdowns, was unable to take GCSEs (grades awarded but does not feel he earned them) and felt he had missed out. Then I was diagnosed with breast cancer, two months after my treatment finished my DH had a stroke.
My decision to sell my business was well timed but the money we made has pretty much gone. It supported us through the last 3 yrs when I have not been able to work.
Throughout this period I have thanked every god that we had never upsized when we could. Running a large house and lifestyle over the last 3 years would probably have been the nail in the coffin. Being financially stress free while going through cancer treatment was essential.
None of us know what’s in the future but living life to your absolute financial limit and beyond is incredibly stressful. Now with the massive increase in cost of living we are very comfortable in our small modern house. It is cheap to heat, easy to maintain, it doesn’t take an army to clean and the garden is an afternoons work.
A large house comes with large everything else. Your house does not define you.

Presently you are living in an imaginary future where everything went perfectly. The longer your mind rests there the more depressed and helpless you will feel - because you can not affect what is imaginary.

The ladder out of your present destructive way of thinking (and it is destructive- it is robbing you of being present) is acceptance of your current situation right now. Then taking action from there.

There is not a person around who has not made mistakes, both deliberate and unconscious, and you have to find a way through. You can get through this.

No one died. Forget it and move on. You have your family, food and a roof over your heads. Life is still good. Stop dwelling on the past and what ifs, it serves no purpose.

You have a loving husband and a healthy little boy - you're already blessed. Try to forgive yourself for the mistake you made and realize that happiness and love that is all around you. No amount of money can buy that, and you've already got it! If you have issues around money or gambling, do get help though, so it doesn't happen again. Best of luck to you.

Touché. That's why I know what matters. OP wants a pity party and I'm not giving her one. She played, she lost, no one's hurt, move on.

whatever it was. It’s happened

assume you won’t do it again

you can still buy a house - husband is still with you

so forget about it

My main question from this is, not to revisit it too much, but are you sure it's as bad as you think? You say 'almost certainly' has implications, but could this be anxiety talking rather than fact? Might getting some advice from someone with financial knowledge help? Or posting on moneysavingexpert where you might find someone who knows or has been in the same position?

In the very least, getting advice should get you some solutions, and that's the important thing, as people have said/

No one is perfect, all we can do is learn from any mistakes and move on.

Some of the most successful people in the world have been bankrupt at some point. Failing is gut wrenching, but learn from it and move on. You have no control over what HAS happened, only how you react to it.

One of my biggest failures in life, age 38, career in ruins, prompted me to retrain and have a different career, which I loved and never regretted. I realised I was only on the career path that failed because I'd committed to it at 18 - but actually the failure gave me the chance to ask myself what I wanted to do NOW - I realised there was a 'road not taken' that I still had hankerings after, and with my H's support I went for it.

I saw Gabriel Byrne (an actor) interviewed recently and he said something which resonated with me. He said that he learned more from his failures, than from his successes.

You learn from mistakes.

“THE only man who makes no mistakes is the man who never does anything.”—President Roosevelt.

If you view your 'mistakes' or 'failures' as lessons to learn, you might get a different perspective.

Gratitude for what you do have can keep you going too.

Tell yourself that today you’re going to spend the day feeling sorry for yourself and realising that you were an idiot.

But make today the last day to dwell on it.

Do not mention it to anyone again as your attitude will be getting them done more than the actual mistake.

Wake up tomorrow and think about the present and future.

You’re going to spend too long worrying about the past and then in a couple of years time you’ll look back and regret wasting so much time and energy thinking about your mistake and then you’ll feel down about that - it will be a vicious cycle.

You made a crap decision but it’s done.
Feeling sorry for yourself, moping or being negative is not going to change the mistake you made.

I am intrigued why you were making such a huge decision without seemingly any input whatsoever from your husband or indeed anyone at all

Do you have shared finances, op? I'm just curious at how you were in a position to single handedly bring your family to "financial ruin"?
Maybe you're catastrophizing, unless you've literally gambled all your worldly goods and lost.