Financially ruined family

[Madeamistake1]

Name changed for this.

Without going into detail, I made a massive decision/mistake recently that almost certainly has life long financial implications for my family. We're not going to be destitute, but will affect the size of the house we can buy etc. Plus there are emotional implications too.

I'm really struggling to forgive myself and have slid into a deep depression. I have a baby boy and feel so guilty that I'm giving him a worse life than I could have done if I hadn't made this mistake.

How do I forgive myself and move on? The regret and guilt is eating me up.

People say "you couldn't have known this would happen" but I kind of did, and did it anyway. I wasn't thinking clearly.

I'm on ADs and still feeling so low and like I've ruined everything.

If it's crypto related - obv if your money is in FTX, you can likely say goodbye to that. If its other crypto assets that are in a wallet but you're just worried of the downturn, keep the assets and don't sell, the market will likely pick up at some point in the future (not likely soon but maybe in 2-3yrs time) and you won't have lost anything as long as you don't sell. Definitely if you have Ethereum or Bitcoin, I'd not sell.

It's very hard to give any better advice without any context or details.

But you have a choice now. To make the right choice and move forward or to wallow.

Do you think you’re catastrophising a bit or is the mistake genuinely one that will have repercussions for decades? If it’s about debt, there is a lot on money saving expert that can help to make a management plan. If it’s about something else (like gambling or giving away life savings presumably what is done is done and you have to build back. It’s hard to know how to advise without knowing what the mistake was but if your husband is chilled about it you should try and show yourself the same kindness and not spiral.

If you have a baby then you have years to build your savings or whatever back up. Sometimes we take risks that don't work out. Learn the lesson and move on. I know someone who answered a scam email when they were buying a house and paid a deposit of £45k to a criminals bank account. Another who lost £25k when a kitchen company went bust, another whose garden landscapers cleared off with £2k and left a building site, another who transfered/lost £5k after a phone call from someone who turned out wasn't from the bank etc, etc. You aren't alone. Try to put it behind you and believe that better things are coming.

MakingnBaking that was such a lovely thoughtful post.
Saving it for my own adult DD1 who is having an awful life reset currently.
It's so true .

OP, decisions, especially financial ones, terrify me. I had a big one to make almost two years ago, basically make a big purchase in order to earn future income, or not. It absolutely would have been the sensible, smart thing to do. All the people with knowledge of relevant things encouraged me. But I didn't do it, and thank heaven for that. If I had, by now, I'd be up shit creek given world events and financial changes. My point is we all do the best we can with the information we have, with the addition of a bit of gut feeling maybe. However even something that seems to be totally the right decision can utterly go belly up with no warning! No one gets everything right all the time. Be kind to yourself.

Have faith in yourself- you made a decision that at the time you thought was right. No one knows what the future holds. I think as long as a decision wasn't meant to deliberately hurt anyone, then there is no wrong decision. We all learn as our life progresses, so don't be hard on yourself. There are always positives, and maybe this could be to consider what you really value and what really matters and not to be materialistic.

Ohh @Madeamistake1 I really feel for you.

In the absence of information about the mistake you made it is hard to know how difficult it will be for you to move through these feelings.

But for context, my life is littered with houses I should have bought, houses I did buy that were a mistake, jobs I should have taken, jobs I most definitely shouldn’t have, investments that I got wrong and opportunities lost.

The important thing though is that you only have those thoughts / regrets if you have had the courage to go out in the first place, taste what life has to offer and take risks.

Very few people live the perfect lives portrayed on Instagram / social media, a lot of us are just muddling through.

Your DH sounds supportive and your DS loves you regardless. Enjoy what you have, learn from the mistake you made and try to move forward with confidence that you have plenty of time ahead of you to balance out your future.

We sold a business and accidentally gave away 16 acres of land that was still in the business name...
Not our greatest move, we did get it back but took 3 years and £25k cash in a bag.

DH found it hard to forgive himself than I did, made himself quite unwell but it was just a mistake made likely because we are dyslexic/ADHD

My take was as painful as it was shit happens and yes no one died.

It actually worked out for the best and because of that awful time it led me to set up a business on that particular piece of thereto unused land turning £30k + profit a year.

Grieve, then let go and move on.

OP, you’re dealing with two really difficult things that can be horrendously stressful on their own, never mind together - namely money worries, and feeling you’ve made a mistake. These kinds of worries can feel insurmountable, and it can be really difficult to forgive yourself.

Feeling low and beating yourself up will not change what happened, or make things better.

You have some things you cannot buy: a husband who is on your team, and a child. Whatever it is that’s happened, it’s happened now. And it’s ok to accept that and focus on making the best of things now.

I’ve been in a similar position to @Pinkdelight3’s cousin. I couldn’t see a way out at the time and I hated myself. Things are much better now in ways I could never have imagined or dreamed of. That me would not recognise the life I had now or thought it possible. But it is hard to imagine things being different or better when you are in a hole.

I found Samaritans very helpful to talk to, they are on 116123, totally free and anonymous.

It is particularly hard to imagine things ever being better when you feel the way you do right now. But they can be and they will be.

Do you mind sharing what is the value of your loss? Might be worth thinking how long it might take you to earn/make this money - which will give you something to work with that could cancel out the noise of regret.

[applause] makingnbaking

I am so sorry you are going through this, all you can do is learn from your mistake and appreciate what you do have which is a lot, a DH and a DS.

It’s done and gone.

it’s not the mistakes we make in life, don’t regret making them otherwise you wouldn’t know it was a mistake. You’d be thinking what if.
How you respond to it is the important part.
Ypu and your family are together and your husband seems supportive, so concentrate on the future going forward, work hard, be smart and make the best of it

The best thing you can do is draw a line under it and move forwards OP. What is to be gained from you endlessly beating yourself up and wallowing in your grief and self-recrimination? That is literally the only way you can make worse what is already done. Arrange some talking therapy, if you feel you need it, but ultimately you need to start looking forwards and making plans for the future. You are where you are, so how can you make the best of it? That's what you should be focusing on, not this pointless self-flagellation, which can only make your situation worse.

So five years ago my husband made a stupid mistake and financially fucked us right? Well guess what? We got through it. While there is definitely a few things that were harder because of it, we're over the other side and have both gained far better financial management skills. I'm not saying it's easy. The guilt ate away at DH over it for years, but that guilt stopped him making mistakes again.

Basically sometimes you make the wrong choice, sometimes that bad choice has big implications. But life keeps going and you'll keep going. If you're on ADs it might feel utterly hopelessly but truly it isn't. It's just a tough period.

All you can do is work harder and fix it. I figured I’d be retired by now and due to shitty decisions made by other people, not even me, I’m not. So now I’ll work to 58 instead of 55. In the grand scheme of things it’s no disaster money is like I guess an ebb and flow throughout life sometimes you’ve got it, sometimes you haven’t it honestly doesn’t matter as long as you have your health.

From your post you clearly have not financially ruined your family. The catastrophic thinking in your post title will not be helping you. You might want to find a counsellor who is skilled in helping people to recognise unhelpful thinking patterns and how to change them.

Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone.

Your husband is sticking by you, and wallowing won't change anything, so start planning to regroup and move forwards.

My only exception to this is if it was gambling. If you have a gambling problem, it's clearly not under control, and your DH needs to reconsider staying legally tied to you if you're not getting help for the problem.

You are living in the now. But at some point, twenty years will have passed.

You will look back and see there has been balance in your life. There is this horrible time at the moment. Then you will see there has been a sudden piece of good luck.

You have given your baby the BEST start in life, because he is part of you, he carries half of you. He will have a British passport which will give loads of opportunities his whole life.

You say you will still be able to buy a smaller house? Some people will never be able to buy a house so it doesn’t sound like a complete disaster

You traded bitcoin didn’t you?

Gambled it on a horse? Stupid

Set up a business that went under? Might be stupid, or simply bad luck that could have turned out differently

Bach flower remedies can help processing gilt and moving forward.

Are you sure you’re not catastrophising? People tend to do that when they feel anxious and self recriminatory. Was it even a mistake as such? Was a job that didn’t work out? An investment that lost money? If so these things are part of life.