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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Financially ruined family

162 replies

Madeamistake1 · 13/11/2022 09:42

Name changed for this.

Without going into detail, I made a massive decision/mistake recently that almost certainly has life long financial implications for my family. We're not going to be destitute, but will affect the size of the house we can buy etc. Plus there are emotional implications too.

I'm really struggling to forgive myself and have slid into a deep depression. I have a baby boy and feel so guilty that I'm giving him a worse life than I could have done if I hadn't made this mistake.

How do I forgive myself and move on? The regret and guilt is eating me up.

People say "you couldn't have known this would happen" but I kind of did, and did it anyway. I wasn't thinking clearly.

I'm on ADs and still feeling so low and like I've ruined everything.

OP posts:
Chooksnroses · 13/11/2022 13:13

strawberriesplease · 13/11/2022 09:47

It's done and gone. Turning yourself inside out will not change it and will make no difference.

Time for a re-set.

You have until now and end of December to go over it, learn from it, and prepare to move forward.

From 1st January 2023 it's done and not revisited. Everytime you think of it, you must instantly say to yourself 'no, that's done with and time to move on'. You literally train your brain not to dwell.

Forgive yourself and make this life lesson count.

This is such excellent advice.

Petronus · 13/11/2022 13:16

MakingNBaking · 13/11/2022 09:57

This life thing is simply a series of Resets. Sometimes a Reset is prompted by a good event but most of us would agree that usually we need to Reset because shit has happened for whatever reason. I can't tell you the number of times in my 55 yrs I've had to stop, change direction, adapt my ambitions, accept some things were never going to happen for me, pull myself up by the britches and focus on what's ahead even if it's much narrower than I hoped. Every time you learn and move on. And one day you'll bring these feelings into play when you tell someone, perhaps a loved one, 'hey I've been there and done that. Don't go there'.
I live in a smaller house than I hoped, with less income, and less freedom than I thought I'd have in my 50s, but what's mine is mine and nobody can take it away. There is food on the table and a roof over our heads. And we are together.

I think this is so helpful and so true. I’ve recently had a similar reset after a job loss. I’ve actually allowed myself to wallow a bit as sometimes I think you need to so that you can process and move past something. Also had a negative financial impact so I sympathise from that point of view.

LadyMarmaladeAtkins · 13/11/2022 13:16

I wouldn't worry about it. Give yourself a bit of time to mope a little, like the PP said (maybe stop moping the week before Christmas though not the end of December) and then accept it and move on. The main thing is to understand what the 'mistake' was so you can learn from it and not repeat same or similar in future and also make sure your children are well educated in financial matters as they grow up and put away a little nest egg for them to have at 18, no matter how small really for now.

At least you will be able to afford a house, a house is a house, doesn't need to be very big unless you have multitudes of children. Mine were brought up in an adequate but small house and they are fine.

If it's any consolation, in retrospect I haven't been as financially astute as I might have been over a number of years and I've been assessing the situation recently, getting on with it and making plans based on what I can do now 😊

PinkyFlamingo · 13/11/2022 13:20

It's impossible to say without knowing your mistake. It's hard to imagine one mistake meaning what you describe to, there's always hope.

ToInfinityAgain · 13/11/2022 13:22

I know that you’re not going to share what happened, but like others, I’m really intrigued as to what it was.

Oh well, another of life’s mysteries.

Itisbetter · 13/11/2022 13:23

Oh you sound so young! This is life, not the movies and we all have ups and downs, self imposed and beyond our control. Don’t waste time on this. I can guarantee you will hit other bumps this is just the first biggy.

frootyfroo · 13/11/2022 13:26

I can't imagine the sort of decision you could make that would have this level of impact? Can you give us any more detail?

SkeetyLola · 13/11/2022 13:35

Sounds like you have a good man so be thankful for that. Can’t undo what’s done babes, just got to get on!

Also many posters would say LTB if your husband was the one who had ruined the family finance doing something silly

caroleanboneparte · 13/11/2022 13:36

Oh come on, it's so obtuse to say this but not say what it was.

Gambling= not ok, go to GA
Crypto = risky but not exactly uncommon
Business failure = you live and learn
Got conned = go to the police

ToInfinityAgain · 13/11/2022 13:36

SkeetyLola · 13/11/2022 13:35

Sounds like you have a good man so be thankful for that. Can’t undo what’s done babes, just got to get on!

Also many posters would say LTB if your husband was the one who had ruined the family finance doing something silly

They absolutely would. The asymmetry is quite amusing.

MarrymeKeanu · 13/11/2022 13:45

Excellent advice from strawberriesplease on ph 1

CwithaQ · 13/11/2022 13:46

frootyfroo · 13/11/2022 13:26

I can't imagine the sort of decision you could make that would have this level of impact? Can you give us any more detail?

I'm fascinated to know too while also pretending that I don't need to know

CwithaQ · 13/11/2022 13:47

Btw have crypto and bitcoin crashed? (they may be the same thing?)

finallydones · 13/11/2022 13:50

Also many posters would say LTB if your husband was the one who had ruined the family finance doing something silly

this is so true.

I agree that context is important, losing money gambling is very different to a business failing

Daisysway · 13/11/2022 13:52

*It's done and gone. Turning yourself inside out will not change it and will make no difference.

Time for a re-set.

You have until now and end of December to go over it, learn from it, and prepare to move forward.

From 1st January 2023 it's done and not revisited. Everytime you think of it, you must instantly say to yourself 'no, that's done with and time to move on'. You literally train your brain not to dwell.

Forgive yourself and make this life lesson count.*

Totally agree this is great advice. Im 62 and I've made some disastrous decisions through my life (we are human). One decision i made was to get back with a nassicist ex and then i fell pregnant. I survived living day to day for 3yrs before i took the decision on NYE to start a new life from 1st Jan and the whole world seemed much brighter and i was so much happier with a clear mind.

So look ahead not back, its the only way to kick start a way forward.

VladmirsPoutine · 13/11/2022 13:53

Also many posters would say LTB if your husband was the one who had ruined the family finance doing something silly

True but equally if OP had posted that her husband had tabled divorce then I don't think most posters would consider him unreasonable given the circumstances. We don't have the detail but a financial ruin with life-long implications sounds very disastrous.

WonderingWanda · 13/11/2022 14:00

Being wealthy doesn't make you a good parent, remember that. You can still be an amazing g parent and have a wonderful family life even if financially things are tighter than they would've been. We all make a million decisions that could alter life lives in different ways. Just live the life you've got. My parents bad no money growing up,everything I have now has been hard earned by myself and my husband and we are incredibly happy. We don't sit there feeling bitter that our parents didn't make better financial decisions.

dollytot · 13/11/2022 14:00

Are you able to provide some context OP? I think if you could, that would help with the advice and any solutions MN'ers could give to help you move forward.

HikingforScenery · 13/11/2022 14:01

I’m sorry to hear things are difficult but please fine act so wounded that your DP, for example has to constantly reassure you about how worse it could be. It’s not fair on hiM imo

Choppies · 13/11/2022 14:02

I lost loads of cash (£10s of Ks!) on purchasing a flat that ended up having dodgy cladding. Spent the last 5 years working overtime and not going on holiday - finally this week me and the toddler and the bump and DH are moving into a house! Suddenly the future is looking brighter even if it did take time and sacrifice to move on from the set back (fortunately it was a joint decision so we can both share the regret!)

JoonT · 13/11/2022 14:07

strawberriesplease · 13/11/2022 09:47

It's done and gone. Turning yourself inside out will not change it and will make no difference.

Time for a re-set.

You have until now and end of December to go over it, learn from it, and prepare to move forward.

From 1st January 2023 it's done and not revisited. Everytime you think of it, you must instantly say to yourself 'no, that's done with and time to move on'. You literally train your brain not to dwell.

Forgive yourself and make this life lesson count.

Very good advice. We all have regrets - I certainly do. But no matter how much you beg and cry and bang your fists on the table, the universe doesn’t care. You can’t go back and put things right. You can’t go back even twenty minutes into the past, and neither can I. As the above post says, you must train your brain not to keep dwelling on what has gone. Instead, direct all your energy into the here and now. Work hard, save your money, be prepared to move long distances in search of cheaper housing (or emigrate)...there are always things you can do.

Downdaysoon · 13/11/2022 14:10

My mum did this when I was young and I remember the depression impacting our family far more than the financial issues. We didn’t care how poor we were as long as we were all together and healthy . I’m sure your family love you irrespective of your financial mistake so do try not to be too hard on yourself and focus on getting better if you can.

daretodenim · 13/11/2022 14:11

You knew it could happen.

You didn't do it knowing for sure it would happen and went ahead with the intention to bring financial limitations to your family.

Or did you? If it was your intention, then that's different.

I'm assuming it wasn't your intention.

If you want to show you're sorry to someone, rather than say the words and wallow in selfish-self-pity (which it is, I am also a wallowed sometimes), then you come up with a plan to make sure it can never happen again, you take any other steps to support you in that plan (counselling if it's MH related or life coach if you need help activating the plan).

If you're truly sorry, you'll be proactive.

And you can still allow yourself to feel bad wt times, but don't waste all that energy on yourself.

vdbfamily · 13/11/2022 14:12

You need to change your mindset for the sake of your husband and son. Try and think at the start of every day off things you can be thankful for and go from there. If your husband is not blaming you that is a great start. You have no idea what the future holds but you have the chance to make your today happier for all of you.
Happiness does not come from money and having lost money does not mean you have to lose your happiness. You have a family and a roof over your head and probably plenty else to be thankful for.

Januarcelebration · 13/11/2022 14:12

There’s so many aspects to this. All can’t be addressed because there’s no detail. Which is your prerogative.

The main thing is that money mistakes can lead people down a dark road. What you did, can’t be undone. You can only move forward.

You mention you think your husband maybe hiding how much has impacted him. Whilst I understand that you are struggling at the moment, that you try your best to support him to. Get him to open up. If you did something really bad and you don’t have it out in the open and it’s all be aimed about him supporting you and your guilt, then resentment can build. That’s not good long term.

I think there’s also a good chance you are blowing this out of proportion, due to your guilt. In which case the above may make no sense.

But whatever happened and how it plays out punishing yourself over and over will not help you move forward.