To think DD’s friends parents don't need to know about DP’s past? *potential TW?*

[xidol70080]

I'm pretty sure I posted about DP before when he was first released from prison and MN was helpful then but I've since deleted that account so I can't find the thread, some of you may remember.

Some background. I was with DDs dad (now 4) for a few months at 16, I then found out I was pregnant and we stayed together. On his 17th birthday, he was drunk and stole his dads car and crashed, his best friend sadly died and he was sent to prison. I split up with him as I was very angry and upset. He was released from prison in late 2020 (when I posted on here) and I took DD to see him, he was very remorseful and told me he wanted to be in DD’s life. I moved in with him and his dad in at the start of lockdown so DD could build a relationship with her dad and so I could get some support as I don't see my own family.

Me and him got back together in March 2021, me and DD stayed living with him and his dad, he got a job and everything relationship wise has been good. Me, him and DD moved into our own house this summer (we were saving whilst living at his dads).

DD started reception in September and has had a few playdates, one of my friends has never been happy with DD having contact with DP let alone us getting back together, so we don't talk much but this evening she messaged and asked how DD is getting on at school, has she made friends etc so I told her she has. She then asked if I mentioned DP’s past to her friends’ parents, I said no and she has said if she had a child, she'd want to know so she could judge whether to allow her child around him. Some of the parents have met him and have made their judgements without knowing.

AIBU in thinking they don't need to know something that happened when DP was still legally classed as a child, he's now 21, and it's been 5 years since it happened. Or if you were her friends parents would you want to know?

What I find interesting about this thread is that there will be many parents that your dc come into contact with that have a past (or evena present)

You are completely unaware of any of that. eg a family in domestic violence.
Many many parents will have points on their licence for speeding. Some may have points for being over the limit. Some may have points for things like jumping a red light.

It is interesting that people think that they have the right to know.

One family we know has 2 boys. The older one was close friend of dd1 and by coincidence the younger one was a close friend of dd2. They often played together. Usually at our house and if it was at theirs I stayed for a cup of tea, didn't leave the kids there because I wasn't 100% comfortable with the Dad. That family were friends with my dds through a divorce, and both remarried etc.

Suddenly kids were with mum 100% and dad off the scence. Mum eventually told me that he was arrested for abuse to his step daughters.

You have no idea about most people your kids come into contact with.

What a bizarre take....you often don't know about people's pasts, so when you do know, you shouldn't care.
Mental.

There's too much baying for blood on this thread. I'm out of here.

Op, I wish you and your family all the best. Again, don't let people shame you into disclosing this information. It won't help anyone but it will hurt your daughter. This is not a truth that you owe anyone.

he was in the car with him? He has paid the price, stop being so judgemental

Totally agree

what an interesting interpretation of something I didn't say.

And no I am not 'mental' (what a disgusting phrase that is,)

My point was simply that you never know what is in anyone's past or present. The idea that you can filter all your kids encounters is a myth. They are going to come into contact with many people with a past.

You do not have the right to know at all. And you simply don't know.

It is a bizarre idea that you would know what is in everyone's background.

Of course you care when you find out, and take steps accordingly, but that still leaves all the people that you don't know about.

While you are busy protecting them from person A, they have regular encounters with person B who seemed so nice....

@Stripedbag101 would you rather he wore a t shirt for the rest of his life with it written on to make sure he never moves on? In that case, are you saying that prison is pointless as even serving your time doesn't atone for mistakes? That rehabilitation doesn't exist?

You have no idea about most people your kids come into contact with.

You don’t, but I think as you talk to people and get a feel for how they speak to their children and listen their views on certain things, you can often judge their character.

In this case, a dad that has driven under the influence of alcohol and a mum that has got back with him and showed poor judgement, I bet that there would be things I would pick up on that would mean I wouldn’t want them anywhere near my child.

don't let people shame you into disclosing this information. It won't help anyone but it will hurt your daughter. This is not a truth that you owe anyone.

Yes. And I can't say it strongly enough, having read the comments on this thread. There are people who will never let your DH live his life normally, and will happily see your child suffer for it.

For the record, over the last few years I have appointed two people with prison sentences in their relatively recent past. They are now among our most valued and trusted employees. At the time of their appointment of course their record was not shared with anyone else in the organisation. But in both cases, over time, those people have felt able to trust their colleagues (we are a very small organisation) have been open about their past and have been accepted without question. But it was their choice to do that, and no-one should ever feel pressured to disclose completed sentences (though obviously serious sexual ones will have to be).

As I said, which you completely ignored just to be rude and goady is that even if it's NOT illegal here there are still moral implications of this. You completely picked apart two lines of what I said and disregarded the main point which I making which is it's irresponsible and morally wrong as well as unwise to be getting into stolen cars especially if the driver is drunk. If anyone on the road was mowed down by this car I'm sure they'd be angry at both the teens in the car.

Re. your faux outrage at mentioning America - although spent more of my life here I used to live there and still spend a lot of time there and have dual nationality. My point bringing it up was it's not completely far fetched for this to be considered a crime, I was sure on the law there regarding this but not sure about here...but if it's not a crime here in the UK fair enough but don't tell me what I'm pretending to know.

That aside, I genuinely was not sure if someone getting into the car of a drunk person who had stolen a car had criminal culpability in the UK, and if the case is that they don't personally I think they should.

However the main thrust of my argument still stands re. making a wrong decision to get into the car. Just because something is legal it doesn't make it morally or ethically right or wise and sadly in this case poor decisions all round had tragic consequences for one young person and I repeat this is NOT saying he had it coming.

I would want to know.

I'm pretty sure this is what is known as a prejudice.

I hope if you have children then you have told the school and all other parents that you are the kind of person who proudly holds on to a prejudice. I would like to avoid you. I don't think you would be good influence on my child especially if this is what you teach your children.

For those who think they should be told, would you think that if the firmed hadn't died? If he'd been 14 instead of 17? If he was now 32 instead of 22? If he'd been sober but speeding and had killed his friend? If he'd been driving sensibly but had had a no fault accident that killed his friend? I'm just wondering which bit specifically you think makes him an immoral criminal who should be ostracised along with anyone who stands by him, or makes him a, danger to your child?

It’s preference. When my children were young, I got to choose which adults I trust with them.

Other parents can do the same and are welcome to not have me around their children. I’m wouldn’t be offended.

My kids have good morals.

Did anyone say he should be ostracised? No.

I'd happily have his kid to my house for a playdate. I just wouldn't want mine to go to his.

Newsflash, as a parent I get to decide where my young child goes and who looks after her. It's not weird to strike "recently out of jail for killing someone" off that list of people. You;d do it too.

It's not about being told. Guaranteed everyone knows.

The consequences are tragic, but this is seemingly a one off bad decision for which he has paid one of the highest costs - killing someone he loves.

People are acting like he went out every Sunday for a year to mug an old lady.

Imagine being judged and ostracised for 20+ years for the poorest decision you've ever made. Not allowed near children like he's a paedophile or child murderer. Not allowed in a relationship as though he's violently abusive.

THIS is the kind of attitude which pushes people into the margins of society, to alcohol and drug abuse to deal with the emotional challenges of being cast out of society for one mistake that ACCIDENTALLY killed someone.

Imagine being judged and ostracised for 20+ years for the poorest decision you've ever made. Not allowed near children like he's a paedophile or child murderer. Not allowed in a relationship as though he's violently abusive.

You may think it’s terrible but no one has a right to be around other people’s children. It’s very entitled to think like that.

being cast out of society for one mistake that ACCIDENTALLY killed someone.

There is a significant difference between being cast out of society permanently and being judged unsuitable for childcare with young children within five years of incident.

The killing was an accident but the series of behaviors which led up to it were choices. Taking genuine responsibility for having made those choices should mean accepting the consequences.

A reasonable consequence of drink driving, causing death and time in prison is that many people will consider for a good while after your release that you are not a suitable person to provide childcare for their children.

Given this guy doesn’t drink alcohol and won’t be getting behind the wheel of a car what do you expect the danger from him will be?

Is it a punishment thing where he and any children he has and anyone related to him should be punished forever more for what he did when he was a teen?

I ask all those who are saying that they wouldn’t let their children be around this guy knowing what he did

Would you let your children play with his Dd or would you warn your children off making friends with her?

Would you actively avoid anyone who had gone for a joyride in a stolen car but never been caught?

Where do you draw the line over illegal behaviour that children/teenagers do regularly with their friends?

What if your child is the one doing the joy riding?

You can’t predict the teenage years. They can change almost overnight from a loving friendly child who thinks things through to an emotional wreck who will do stuff for the thrill with no thought for the consequences and over compensate with alcohol, cigarettes and drugs.

Dont think because you are a 2 parent family, you have a good income, you live in a nice area, you have been the perfect parents that you will be somehow immune.

The hormone changes that their bodies go through with a not yet fully formed brain is a recipe for disaster or a lot of near misses

No one is talking about ostracising him for 20 years. Just about taking a pragmatic view and wanting to make a judgement for their own DC.

Living in a small town everyone would know about it anyway. I cant believe it is remotely possible to keep it secret.

Obvs I mean I live in a small town, the OP must be in a large city to even consider keeping it quiet is possible.

I ask all those who are saying that they wouldn’t let their children be around this guy knowing what he did

Would you let your children play with his Dd or would you warn your children off making friends with her?

Like at school? Of course. The child is innocent.

Would you actively avoid anyone who had gone for a joyride in a stolen car but never been caught?

Yes.

Where do you draw the line over illegal behaviour that children/teenagers do regularly with their friends?

Like what?

What if your child is the one doing the joy riding?

My children wouldn’t do this, they judge others that do. They’ve seen the consequences of drink driving. But if they did, they would have to deal with others judgement and if that meant others wanted nothing to do with them, they would have to deal with that. They had a choice.

^ This!

Your "friend" is a right busy body and needs to butt out. She is one of these people who has all the information and will be able to lord it over the school mums as she tells the story, they will be in awe. That will brighten up her sad little life.

Of all these calling the friend a busybody and other people names on this thread for not wanting drunk drivers near their kids would be so forgiving if it was their child who had been killed in the car or their child or partner who could have been killed just walking along a pavement and hit by these idiots.

I doubt they would forgive the same as they are preaching on here.