AIBU for overreacting to comment by John Lewis

[filletofishmeal]

I was on the phone to John Lewis as they failed to deliver an item ( did not put it on their load), and as the person was processing a new delivery date he was making small talk about the reason why I was purchasing a TV. I said it was for the cricket world up, and he asked who I thought I was going to win the tournament. I replied that I am British, so am backing England. He then told me that my name does not sound British, where are my parents from?
I snapped at that point and got a bit shirty with him, as I felt it was unreasonable for him to assume I am not British just because of my surname.

I'm normally in the 'people are too sensitive and take things too seriously' camp when this kind of thing happens. But I have to agree with the poster I quoted here. Although I don't think that this person meant to be overly racist. It was actually a little bit racist. I mean, I guess 'unconscious bias' is probably more accurate, but there are racist undertones in it, even if the person didn't mean to come across like that.

They may not be racist, but they need educating yes. This is the same kind of person who asks a woman in her mid to late 30s why she hasn't got children. Or the same sort of person who would ask somebody who is single, 'why aren't you married?' OR the same kind of person who asks my friend who has very pale skin - because she's got Irish parents and Irish grandparents - 'WHY are so white? Oh my God, you're so pale. You need a tan.' Basically the kind of person who tries to make conversation by making rude and inappropriate comments. It's bad etiquette and it's not acceptable.

Saying to somebody 'you can't be British coz your name doesn't sound it,' is basically fucking rude. And I'm not normally particularly PC. I'm kind of somewhat neutral. Fed up with political correctness sometimes, and fed up with prejudice sometimes. But yes, if you have a name that is apparently not 'traditionally British,' and someone says 'you can't be British then!' well that is bastard rude. I can't believe so many people here are dismissing it. I'm quite shocked actually.

Massive overreaction on your part OP
He was just making conversation. Get over yourself.

It was just small talk....you sound very sensitive.

He asked you who you thought would win. Which part of the question needed a response with what your nationality is? You changed the conversation to nationality so he went with it in the small talk. A normal answer to that question would be along the lines of 'France seem to have the strongest team, I think they will win, but I'm hoping England do' not 'I'm British and I support England'

I think, in today's world it is considered rude to make these assumptions/voice them. However, we are all human and I am starting to get the impression that if we followed every rule we should when we meet or speak to anyone different to ourselves in any way then we would be best having no conversations at all. I think you will find he was just trying to be friendly. Not everyone has had diversity training so society needs to understand that

@PurpleButterflyWings Saying to somebody 'you can't be British coz your name doesn't sound it,' is basically fucking rude. And I'm not normally particularly PC. I'm kind of somewhat neutral. Fed up with political correctness sometimes, and fed up with prejudice sometimes. But yes, if you have a name that is apparently not 'traditionally British,' and someone says 'you can't be British then!' well that is bastard rude. I can't believe so many people here are dismissing it. I'm quite shocked actually

That would be very rude, thankfully he didn't say anything even remotely like that!

I didn't say her parents cannot be British but chances are they hail from another part of the world, and that's interesting, just as it would be if I were in say India and had a child my child would be Indian but I wouldn't be and people may ask where I was from and they would say England,

of if my mother had moved and I had been born in India she would say 'mum is also India but her mother was from England'

Thank god I don't work in customer service (any longer) Some people are so sensitive they take offence at the most little things.

Any wonder people talk about the weather.

You are writing on a predominantly middle class white forum who won't have experienced racism a day in their lives. Posts like these bring the idiots out and yes you bloody are idiots if you can't see what the op is bothered. This is often the reason why 2nd or 3rd generation British people will not be supporting England on Sunday. It doesn't matter how long you've lived here which culture you identify with most or the accent you speak with some people will never consider us British. My asian Scottish husband will root for Pakistan on Sunday. I will just watch for enjoyment because both teams reflect me.

Yanbu op. It gets bloody annoying!

Well it was clumsily phrased but snapping at him was unnecessary. He probably feels bad now. But it was a weird question. My sirname contains a letter that doesn't even exist in English but I'm still a British citizen.

This must be a remotely British conundrum because I can't imagine someone with a typically British name like Michael Johnson living somewhere else like China and nobody feeling like they can mention his unusual name.

Yes, they should be marched off to a re-education camp forthwith. The far right and left really do go so far that they end up meeting each other in the middle.

You have to much time in your hands if this worries you ! It’s called having a conversation 🤦‍♀️

And by the way my father wasn’t British neither was my surname!!

But isnt this the point, that there ARE names that are British and those that originate from somewhere else?

I have a really unusual surname that most people cannot pronounce that obviously falls out of the remit of traditional british names. I never once have thought that it was insidious nationalism to imply I am not British.

People also need to learn the difference between nationality and race.

Why would your Scottish Asian husband root for England? Surely he identifies as Scottish and I assume Pakistani from what you’ve said so he will root for the teams most closely aligned with his cultural identity?

YADNBU

I don’t have a British surname and it does feel like a micro aggression when someone asks me where me or my “ancestors” are from, the implication being despite my clearly very British regional accent that I can’t possibly be properly British and have to be from somewhere else, somewhere foreign.

if you haven’t experienced racism as a micro aggression and I’m seeing from the overwhelming “it’s just small talk” responses that the majority here haven’t then You’ll never understand how tiring it is having to justify where you’re from in the most mundane of daily interactions.

How often are those claiming it’s just small talk asked where they’re from or what team they’re supporting in a sporting event because of their name?

It may not have been meant with malice but it comes from a place of othering and unconscious bias and if you haven’t experienced it you won’t understand how draining it can be to face it so bloody often.

Telling someone they’ve overreacted highlights your own ignorance to the experiences of non-white sounding name owners who face this regularly.

It's just small talk/polite interest. He's not insinuating you're not British, just that you may have some non British heritage with sometimes people are proud of or interested in.

My partner is white (mostly) but he was adopted and has an exotic/unusual last name. Gets asked about it but never in a bad way!

Isn't it more offensive for especially unaffected people to be assuming it's racist or offensive to be recognised as not of British heritage?

So true. You’ve just summed it up. This was the difference in how growing up people asked about my best friends (white Polish heritage) surname versus my surname ( Black African)

I even had a white Australian friend who referee to her flatmate as a “foreigner” and when I met said flatmate found out it was a black Londoner. We all lived in London btw. Even people who aren’t maliciously hateful against POC can sub consciously exclude them. The irony is the Australian friend didn’t see herself as a foreigner due to her whiteness - I guess unlike me she’d never been told to go back to her own country.

Meh, it’s annoying but just forget it. I’ve had a call centre person tell me my name sounds like a Harry Potter character 🤷‍♀️ and another who kept flirting with me 🤣

I figure if they had fabulous people-skills they probably wouldn’t work in a call centre, which is an utterly shit job, so cut them some slack.

@satelliteheart

utter tripe.

fuck is it racist to ask where someone's parents are from!!

Your Scottish husband won't be supporting England?! That's shocking.

why do we always assume the bad in people ?
An innocent comment taken the wrong way 😞

ughhh one of those who cries discrimination when someone dares to make small talk. STOP GETTING OFFENDED AT EVERYTHING.