AIBU not to help DD out with childcare?

[reesep]

DD has a son with special needs age 5, and a daughter age 1.

She has requested I look after them one day at a weekend, every month. She has also requested I do some daytime childcare during the school holidays

This is so she can get into nursing. She's desperate to be a nurse and has been accepted into a Healthcare Assistant role on bank, meaning she can pick shifts

AIBU not to provide such rigid help? It's too much of an expectation and I can't handle it

I do feel bad but it's just too much. She also lives 1.5 hours away so it would mean bringing the DC here

AIBU?

The other thing to suggest, is you support her into the bank, if you can manage. And she looks for HCA/community support type roles from this where she can apply for a permanent post and then go on to look at a nursing apprenticeship either via a registered nurse degree apprenticeship or via the assistant practitioner or nursing associate plus top up route.
I work in a community nursing office, and there are loads of mums single, many with sen kids, becoming nurses around their children who's home team is community based, and who then get flexibility around placement

it takes longer, I know some of my colleagues have taken eight years to qualify but it works.

all the best to all of you

@lechatnoir

and exactly what is wrong with just not wanting to?

it’s a good a reason as any

im sure op did loads of thing she didn’t want to for the sake of her daughter over the years

@Slapmyslapmyass she probably thought their dad would look after them, it's not her fault he turned out to be a sack of shit

When does being a mother end?!?!

never! @LuckySantangelo35 are you even a mother?

I've done nursing no way will it be just that amount of childcare, they work early and finish early not very manable with such young kids and a working partner.

@Quitelikeit

having to put their needs or wants ahead of your own can come to an end

when your son or daughter is an adult

I can’t imagine not looking after my grandkids to help out my child once a month.

YABU in my view but ultimately if you don’t want to then it’s your decision but shame on you.

But that’s sometimes the best attitude. One step at a time. Who knows what life will be like in a year or 2. She may meet friends whilst training that they can share childcare, she may meet a new partner who can help in time.

It really isn't. It's an expensive course and a huge commitment. Cross that bridge when it comes to it doesn't cut it here

You can't just share childcare with someone when your own child has profound care needs! For example, my grandson gets 8 hours respite hours a week (that never materialise despite my DD chasing and chasing). The care team refused to have him 1-1 and insist now he must have 2-1

Yes I bloody well would help her

My daughter is a single mother and she is studying to qualify as a SW . I have grandchild overnight once a week and have provided emergency childcare when GC has been unwell and unable to attend nursery . It’s a 1.15 hour drive each way and yes it’s tiring and yes sometimes a PITA but I am doing this to help my daughter provide a better life for herself and darling GC .My daughter is so grateful for the support I am offering and I am glad I can help .

I did it, at eighteen. Three full days a week. Mornings every weekend. Transport for a single mum and two kids. For three years whilst their mum did sixth form and then when she did an FdA

ASD little boy, little girl with crippling anxiety
disabled mum

no remuneration- I lost money easily

would recommend to anyone - do it

@reesep even more reason to help her.

you can be a nurse in a residential home?

you can be a part time nurse?!

why does your support get to end when she is an adult?

i wouldn’t allow myself that luxury

does she have a different father to your younger kids?

where’s her father? Can he help?

It’s hardly putting your own needs on the back burner to look after your grandchildren one day a month and some of the holidays. You’d want to see your grandchildren anyway.

How old are your children? Are they young or are they adults?

as she is divorcing, and ex provides minimum support could she move nearer you so it was more feasible?

Can you encourage her to wait a few years, maybe? A 5-year-old with SEN, a 1-year-old baby, and going through a divorce, is a lot to be dealing with. You might be in a better position to help then.

@reesep

Agreed. I am an advocate for that sort of thinking and I think it certainly has its place but it doesn’t have its place here. She will be going in woefully unprepared due to not having robust enough childcare. Even if you were more willing on a regular basis you live 1.5 hours a way which is a 3 hour round trip before she’s even started work. Throw in a night shift or an early shift and she’s buggared. She’s relying on you secretly for overnight care as this is the only realistic way she is going to be able to complete the course.

Ive seen it so many times people quitting because of this reason, messing with their loan entitlements and subsequently never living their dream.

My friend had this issue but had the sense to wait until her youngest was at secondary and making his own way to school.

I have offered this as a suggestion before as even with just a little respite here and there, me taking GS on a walk etc to give her a break, I think she would benefit from being closer to us

But she won't because 1. The house is adapted to his needs and a new build 2. He has a very good special school locally

@Quitelikeit

That is not the issue. You can only do those jobs after training.

Training is 3 years long. It involves regularly working 40 hours a week for free doing shift work as well as assignments.

It really is. My friend did it. When she did her course, she didn’t know how she would be able to do the job. She just got through each term at a time.

I learnt to care for her child. Other changes have meant that have worked out. Sometimes you just have to take the opportunity in front of you and figure it out as you go along.

I've done it for a sibling with younger kids of my own. My parents would've done even more for grandkids while caring themselves for an elderly relative. I would've helped out with that care too and of an ill inlaw for many years while my family were young.

It's not a competition, if the op feels she's not able that's her choice. She hasn't given much detail as to why other than having two other children herself, again its her perogative.
I still feel sorry for her daughter though and can't imagine not helping out a fair bit with my children if they needed and I could.
It does seem like the op daughter is unrealistic with her plans but the op doesn't seem inclined to want to help out full stop.

Any scope for you to move? Perhaps next year when your 15yo goes to college and 10 goes to senior?

I honestly cannot get over that you have older dc, do not work, and aren't willing to do 1 day's childcare a month to help your daughter's career.

I suppose you'd better hope there is never a time in your life that you need family to help you out.

You sound like a wonderful supportive grandparent. You should be so proud of yourself for giving your daughter that help she needs, you're truly amazing x

@Charlllesanoyedme

Social work training does not involve shift work. No nights either.

It’s tricky but I would do it personally and can’t your children help? Surely they like spending time with the children?