AIBU not to help DD out with childcare?

[reesep]

DD has a son with special needs age 5, and a daughter age 1.

She has requested I look after them one day at a weekend, every month. She has also requested I do some daytime childcare during the school holidays

This is so she can get into nursing. She's desperate to be a nurse and has been accepted into a Healthcare Assistant role on bank, meaning she can pick shifts

AIBU not to provide such rigid help? It's too much of an expectation and I can't handle it

I do feel bad but it's just too much. She also lives 1.5 hours away so it would mean bringing the DC here

AIBU?

I hate those saying YABU. They're HER children, NOT yours and as such, there shouldn't be a quota you're expected to look after them. I'd love to be a nurse, did my access course, got 2 uni offers but ultimately turned them down as I couldn't work a way to do 12 hour shifts and have them looked after. No way I'd have guilt tripped our family into helping, it's not their problem

If I were going to train as something new, or in your dd’s place, I’d train as something like a plumber or electrician, or traditionally male trade.

Much better money, flexible hours and resto in demand.

And people feel honour bound to make you tea!

Does it have to be an all or nothing thing?

Could you help her out with the one weekend day a month and leave her to sort out whether she can find the other childcare days elsewhere?

Could you encourage her to go into a more family friendly part of nursing? Eg I know a single mum who works as a practice nurse in a GP surgery so it’s more like office hours.

Is there scope for her to move nearer you?

Rather than it being a blanket refusal, maybe see whether you can encourage her to think through options and support her where you can.

I am sorry you don't want to help your daughter, particularly since you have the luxury of not working, and given that your youngest is 10 years old you must be in your early fifties at most. I am also sorry that we as a country make it so difficult for parents to train as nurses, hence why we are constantly (and have been even since I last worked in a hospital back in 1997) recruiting from abroad, from countries where they seem to be more supportive.

Agree that this whole thread is a shame.

OP would she consider something else more realistic?

She could do health informatics and still work in a healthcare setting but it would be day time hours and weekdays.

She does have to rush back to be home in time for her son's transport van to arrive back

And what's her response if asked how that would work once she was tied up with placements, shifts, etc.?

Perhaps those who "can't believe you won't help your poor DD" might consider that encouraging her to take on an impossible situation may actually be no help at all

Please please help her

you can do all sorts with a nursing degree!

friends work in gp surgeries, for the DWP assessing pip, DLA claims

theyd give your daughter placement in a nursing home for a start

I still think some of this post at least rings true.

It's actually not your decision what career your DD pursues. The fact that you said in one of posts that you could support her but don't want to because you don't support her choices is indicative of your attitude

I think you are being really unsupportive! While I appreciate that you don't have to do any childcare, I am shocked that you won't help out in even the small way she has asked.

You don't have "young children" yourself, your youngest is 10!

You sound like you are trying to sabotage her career. It isn't up to you to decide nursing isn't suitable for her.

Some of the pp are a bit out of date in their info about nurse training - there's no longer a requirement to shadow an allocated mentor and far more flexibility is given around childcare that there ever used to be.

I don't like the negativity from the OP. What's wrong with a can do attitude. OP's daughter sounds utterly inspirational.

@Quitelikeit and who will look after her children whilst she works? Is granny expected to that for eternity?

Well exactly. She just clenches her teeth and smiles, with an almost 'will cross that bridge when I come to it' attitude

@Puzzledandpissedoff

Exactly.
Encouraging this is setting her up to fail. My guess is the majority of posters on here don’t truly know the sheer reality that is nurse training for 3 years. I have a family full of nurses, my
own mum trained whilst I was at secondary and we practically didn’t see her for 3 years with 40
hour weeks made up of shift work and lots of lengthy assignments.

My sister was able to do it by the skin of her teeth with one child at school (she was a single mum). My cousin managed it as she had robust childcare in place as her husband had a flexible job.

And yes a nursing qualification doesn't have to lead directly into nursing; there are other choices and having a qualification will massively improve her general employment prospects.

@Dreamwhisper

I don’t think that’s the issue. The issue is the next 3 years.

This is so sad. She has no one and she can't even count on her mum to help once a month 😔

you don't have to do it, I just can't imagine how that must be for her.

you keep saying gs is a lot with his SEN but imagine that all the time for your DD

AGAIN you don't have to do it. It just must be shit for your DD who wants a better life for her and her babies

That's to the posters saying the OP is right not to support her DD because her goals are unachievable anyway. Makes me sad to even write that

But that’s sometimes the best attitude. One step at a time. Who knows what life will be like in a year or 2. She may meet friends whilst training that they can share childcare, she may meet a new partner who can help in time.

So do it then. Sign up as a respite foster carer, making it clear you are really happy to take siblings, especially when one has difficult extra needs.

I always see this on mumsnet. Oh well I would do xyz to help someone - then do it, if you feel that way. You see it constantly on threads about abuse. I’d love to have swept up the child and cared for them, I would have rushed the little angel away to live with me, how could anyone not want to… oh no, I couldn’t foster care or volunteer with underprivileged children or offer my time and money to a relevant charity. I’m just too busy.

If you feel so strongly, YOU make it known you want to provide regular free childcare to children with challenging additional needs.

Yes I thought you'd say that, reesep

It's a shame because we all naturally want to encourage our DCs where possible, but as you've made very clear, what she wants simply isn't realistic and enabling her to believe it is may not be very kind

Notable too that all those putting the boot in have nothing to say about how this could work once she was in post ...

Yes I do think you're being unreasonable and very unsupportive. You have a 10 year old and 15 year old so can be that old so the whole 'I'll be exhausted' is bollocks so just admit you don't want to. You also say you don't work so why can't you help with grandchildren during the week? You sound incredibly selfish and it's no wonder you're daughter is digging her heels in and not listening as all she hear is no and negativity.

@reesep When my DC were little, I couldn't imagine what kind of evil grandparent wouldn't want to look after my precious angels (I'm talking about my parents and my husband's parents here). Now I am of an age where I could have grandchildren, I am entirely in the 'evil grandparent' camp. I'd be happy to have a ball with them, but I would not be happy to be put into a 'childcare' role for them.

Sometimes people have to base their career aspirations on what's logical and reasonable as well as "but it's my dream job". If nursing is your dream job, don't have children before you try to pursue this dream if you haven't got a firm plan beforehand about who's going to look after them while you're at work.

@PregnantandPissedoff

i think most of us do put them first when our children are actually children

but not when they are adults and have their own kids! When does it end?!

I don’t think It’s ok to expect women to put their own needs and wants on the back burners for ever and ever

I hope your daughter finds something she loves, and the support she needs to do it. I help look after a disabled 15 year old, it's only for a day and half a week, but it's exhausting, I don't know how your daughter does it everyday without a break.