AIBU not to help DD out with childcare?

[reesep]

DD has a son with special needs age 5, and a daughter age 1.

She has requested I look after them one day at a weekend, every month. She has also requested I do some daytime childcare during the school holidays

This is so she can get into nursing. She's desperate to be a nurse and has been accepted into a Healthcare Assistant role on bank, meaning she can pick shifts

AIBU not to provide such rigid help? It's too much of an expectation and I can't handle it

I do feel bad but it's just too much. She also lives 1.5 hours away so it would mean bringing the DC here

AIBU?

This. Unbelievably cold and selfish. I get the impression she just doesn’t want to deal with her grandchild with SEN. Well, not for longer than ten minutes anyway.

I have zero family help, except a lovely husband, everyone lives abroad, other end of England or just isn't interested (only in my sibling's children).

We are a tight unit and rely heavily on one another. It's tiring. The parent that does live near just wasn't interested and often rubbed our faces in it.

I no longer talk to said parent for my own sanity and protection. Awful decision but it was make or break.

If you can help her just a little bit, please do.

I know some grandparents are older and want their own time and often are worried about committing to more than they can manage. I understand that. A little bit of help though, when you are well enough, is a wonderful gift you can give.

I hope to help my daughter with child care when she's my age. I know what it feels like to have a mum who won't help, won't even go for a coffee with me (nor would she come to my house for a coffee when I offered year on year).

YANBU although I think you made a huge mistake leaving out your current domestic situation out of your OP as a lot of people will have commented purely on that.

She won't (move closer) because 1. The house is adapted to his needs and a new build 2. He has a very good special school locally

This bit does sound reasonable, but again what has she to say about the 3 hour round trip to and from yours if you were to enable this?

If the answer's still that she "clenches her teeth and smiles, with an almost 'will cross that bridge when I come to it' attitude", you could mention that she'd have some difficult decisions to make as a nurse and that this might be a good opportunity to practise

To be fair some trusts are accommodating to single parents but realistically there’s only so much help they can offer, when you’re a nurse you can’t decline every shift because of childcare. I know of people who have managed without family support by using the entirety of their child care grant to employ a nanny, but this might not be an option depending on her son’s additional needs. I think YABU to say no to the requests she’s made so far but also don’t think that’s all she will need to get through a nursing degree so it’s irrelevant really

This

You sound cold clinical and honestly I'm glad you aren't my mother. Her marriage is breaking down, she has a child with additional needs and is trying to better herself and get a career and you can't manage 1 day per month!

Can’t your children help?

At 10 and 15? And when one of the grandchildren has very significane SN??

Oh dear, oh dear ...

We had a social work student in the emergency duty team in our office working exclusively unsociable hours for her entire placement

whilst not the norm it's becoming increasingly common

While I do actually agree with you that nursing might not be the best job for her circumstances, can you not encourage her to look at something else AND offer to help her out? She had so much on her plate, one day a month and a bit of holidays really doesn’t seem much. I would really want to help my daughter if she was going through all that.

Has she looked at any of the allied health professions? They tend to be more 9-5 so easier to juggle with kids

Also seriously if your dd is near me, (south west) I'm a qualified sen teacher, trainee HCP, and sen mum. Happy to meet for a cuppa and also invite her to our sen mums meet up, and lend a hand if she needs help with anything

I can't imagine how it would work. The trusts I worked for had weekend shifts that were either 07:30 - 20:00 or 19:30 - 08:00, is DD proposing she will get her and the children up 4+ hours before the start of her shift so she can drive the kids to grannie's then get back again for the start of her shift then do a 3 hour round trip in the evening to collect them? It's not just a few hours, one day a month, it's a whole weekend and OP has an exam aged teen to consider too.

Your daughter is trying to find a better life for her family, since her marriage fell apart, and ants a career that no single parent can have (shift work) without support and back up. You are not willing to give her any support and back up. That's the simple facts. You're not obliged to help your daughter, but given you don't work and have to provide childcare for your own kids, personally I find it a bit shitty of you to say no, but you have every right to do so. Tell your daughter that she has no one supporting her, and to try to find a role where she doesn't have to ask anyone for help because the father of her children and her family don't want to.

@Isahlo

Not the norm though. I know a few people who trained in SW over nursing specifically because it didn’t involve shifts during placement.

God forbid you help out your daughter! 🙄

Oh sorry I missed the part where OP says she's a nurse / has first hand experience of what its really like in the NHS...

Dont be ridiculous - not sure how you can say "what rubbish" to my opinion that I'm glad OP is not my mum. I am very glad of that lol.

Absolutely not denying that a career in nursing and healthcare is demanding and long awkward hours (I know, I work them, FT). I also dont have DC and know how easy I have it relative to those that do. But.. do none of my colleagues have DC? are single mums? ... of course not. It is possible. Generally, people support each other. Especially your own parents... especially when they are not disabled/needing care themselves and dont work. I absolutely stand by being glad OP is not my mum.

Fair enough, and you may well be right about the dad. But that doesn't mean that the OP should be picking up the pieces. I think it's hard for people with younger children to understand the liberation that comes with them being grown up and independent. I spent more than 20 years as a SAHM (and loved every minute of it). Now I'm loving having time to do all the things I couldn't do when I was a SAHM. Committing myself to looking after a grandchild on a regular basis wouldn't be one of those things.

Any scope for you to move? Perhaps next year when your 15yo goes to college and 10 goes to senior?

No. It would mean another hour on top of H's usual commute, and this is our family home. I don't want to move. We don't want to move

So you don’t even work, have older children and still won’t help your daughter out? Stop making excuse after excuse after excuse.

Shame on you.

Great, amazing for you. Maybe pm the op and offer your services to her daughter, or put her in touch with the service you used.

Let her better herself. Nursing training is hard but gives her a potential to earn and live a better life. I'm sure. You can offer support or help her get appropriate childcare in place. I would if it was my daughter

With a mother like you , who needs enemies?? sad you think this bad about your own child

@Stompythedinosaur

that would not be fair on op or her kids

I don't understand why you wouldn't want to help your daughter. Once a month really isn't much, and wouldn't it be lovely to spend some time with your grandchildren?

Shame on you

Shame on you for thinking it's acceptable to shame a woman for not taking on more than she can handle. Shame on you for thinking it's fine for a child that services have deemed to need 2to1 support to be looked after by a person that has to also look after a teen, another child and a baby at the same time.

Yabu. I cannot imagine wanting to refuse this very small request. Of course you do not have to do any childcare if you do not want to. However, I can't wrap my head around not wanting to support my child in this situation.