AIBU not to help DD out with childcare?

[reesep]

DD has a son with special needs age 5, and a daughter age 1.

She has requested I look after them one day at a weekend, every month. She has also requested I do some daytime childcare during the school holidays

This is so she can get into nursing. She's desperate to be a nurse and has been accepted into a Healthcare Assistant role on bank, meaning she can pick shifts

AIBU not to provide such rigid help? It's too much of an expectation and I can't handle it

I do feel bad but it's just too much. She also lives 1.5 hours away so it would mean bringing the DC here

AIBU?

If you don’t work I can see why she’s asked you to help out. I personally would find it hard to say no, but it’s easy for me to say I’d do it but I don’t know how difficult it is looking after your grandson. Maybe if the dad will have the daughter he could care for her whilst you had the son. In all honesty though what she’s asking for isn’t realistic. Nurses are required to do shifts and she can’t do shifts as a single parent. Even if her son didn’t have additional needs she wouldn’t be able to do a shift pattern including early, late and nights. I was - am a single parent and I had to take a decision to have a career that’s 9-5, flexible, not shifts. It’s just life. Maybe help her to look at other careers that might interest her and help her with that. She should be commended for wanting to better her life but she’s got to be realistic

Once a month is hardly a lot of your time to give. I had no help from family but when I become a GM next year I hope I’ll be able to spend more time than that with GC and if dd became a single parent I would do whatever I could to help them with childcare, especially if GC had special needs making it harder for her.

What rubbish. It sounds like the OP knows a nursing career is not feasible for a single parent with a disabled child who cannot be left with a childminder in the day let alone for nightshifts! Unfortunately as a parent of a disabled child myself, career options were limited even without being a single parent before WFH became a thing so the DD needs to train for a career which will fit in with that (more possibilities now with WFH or hybrid) and nursing certainly doesn’t.

The DD should not be relying on her mother to facilitate starting a career which is not going to realistic especially when she’s 1.5 hours away (and will probably want her kids dropped off after the reality of a long shift becomes clear!).

I’m sure the OP would do all she could to help her while training if there was a feasible career at the end of it and it wasn’t a waste of both of their time.

Yes, they are.

Why are you so dead set against your daughter following her dream? Perhaps you're jealous? Do you work?

OP doesn’t work. But no it’s not her responsibility to step up when their own father hasn’t

@Shiningstarr multiple posters have come on to say they don't accommodate you just because you have DC at home. And I know it to be true from friends who are nurses

Why do you think they do?

I agree. I’d be proud of my daughter, trying to build a careeer for herself in very challenging circumstances.

And kids of 10 and 15 are not young children. Surely they are used to playing with their 5year nephew?

What happens when she gets into nursing? What childcare will be available to her then?

I think from your first post you weren't BU but perhaps just a little unhelpful, but from your follow up it more sounds like it's the career choice you think will be challenging and it sounds like you know a fair bit about it.
Is there anything else she wants to do with more regular hours that could be a career for her?

I’m sure the OP would do all she could to help her while training if there was a feasible career at the end of it and it wasn’t a waste of both of their time.

This is it

Well in my trust they do. They are really understanding.

I did childcare for dd ‘s two boys for 13 years 3 days a week which changed to after school care when youngest was 5. I only stooped with lockdown. It was the most rewarding thing I have ever had the honour to be allowed to do. But…each to her own.

One day a month? Seriously? YAB massively U.

YADNBU.
No. It's too big an ask. Was the father 'useless' with DC1? Just wondering as DC2 is only a year old what her long term plans were when she chose to go ahead with that pregnancy.
Prioritise your own wants and if you don't want to commit to this then don't. Other peoples wants don't trump yours.
I wouldn't do it either.

This. Not to mention happily leaving their children with someone who, by her own admission, would struggle to cope. Seems not to matter how reluctant the carer, or how lacking in confidence they are in meeting the children's needs as long as they're free.

I think reading this OP you've done yourself a bit of a disservice. I think if your DD was asking for one day a month and that was it, then it would be a different matter.

The real issue is that it's open ended childcare for the school holidays and potentially for a long number of years. Plus the DD lives 1.5 hrs away, plus the OP has school age DCs of her own.

I think you need to talk to your DD OP, ask her honestly how she thinks she is going to manage the commute. Tell her what you could do , not what you can't do - and if that's emergency care only then it is what it is.

I feel for both of you, but its good to acknowledge your own limits and not be pushed into something you'll regret and have to cancel at a later date.

I can tell you straight why she didn’t qualify before she had kids. No one supports her choices.

everything on this post has been : it’s not right for her, she won’t cope, it’s better she does it this way as it suits me, how will she manage, I can’t help her out so she shouldn’t do this thing she deeply wants to do, it’s better for her that she doesn’t do it.

In the background of such negative talk, she probably took a long time to figure out what she wanted. This whole thread is a massive shame.

Rubbish. DD wanted to be a nurse for years before she met her stbx and then had her son. I was her biggest cheerleader and said she should go for it! But she had her DS instead at the time

@Windbeneathmybingowings

Not true. The amount of student nurses who drop out due to childcare issues is staggeringly high. To be honest more of them do need to know the realities before getting onboard as they mess with their student loan entitlements etc and end up no further forward. You really do need robust and flexible childcare in place.

I actually think it's really hard to know what's right in this situation. While I think it's perfectly reasonable to not want to give up your own life, it would obviously be nice if you could help, but I think a lot depends on factor you haven't mentioned.

How high or demanding are your grandson's special needs? Can one person easily manage to meet those needs and adequately take care of a 1 year old?

Do you have a partner or spouse, general support, at home to help you out?

How busy are you with your older children/their activities etc.? And what are their relationships with their niece and nephew like? Could it be an all-hands pitching in together kind of situation?

How reliable has your DD been in the past in terms of sticking to commitments/reaching goals?

Does she live 1.5 hours away each way? As in, she would have to drive 3 hours round trip to drop them off and then the same to collect? That would be a lot, would leave you with dinner/baths, etc. and likely mean the kids would get home to bed very late. Is there a possibility she could do training somewhere closer to you?

Is this training, with the petrol etc., financially feasible?

Would there any kind of backup support if you were to be ill or injured?

Could/would her ex-husband's family contribute in some way?

As someone who had to give up a Monday to Friday 9-5 office job to care for a child with SN, I'm wondering how on earth your DD is planning on working as an HCA/training to be a nurse/ working as a nurse with the variable shifts and unsociable hours even if you did agree to help for one day a weekend and some holiday help. If DGS is not able to go to a childminder at age 5 then there is a possibility that won't improve in future. Holiday provision for children with SN is woefully inadequate.

I think you're selfish. Not wanting to help your daughter better herself. It's not forever.

My god. You must seriously hate your poor Dd to not want to support her in bettering her career prospects.

@LuckySantangelo35 well that does come up often in discussions on unsupportive or weak family ties because that's what happens in the end...

For gods sake help your daughter and stop being selfish. She's trying to better herself. I could understand maybe if she was going out with mates but even then I would help her

Sorry if I am misunderstanding but are you saying she always travels to you? Why? That must be tough to do 3 hours of driving in a day with her young children