AIBU not to help DD out with childcare?

[reesep]

DD has a son with special needs age 5, and a daughter age 1.

She has requested I look after them one day at a weekend, every month. She has also requested I do some daytime childcare during the school holidays

This is so she can get into nursing. She's desperate to be a nurse and has been accepted into a Healthcare Assistant role on bank, meaning she can pick shifts

AIBU not to provide such rigid help? It's too much of an expectation and I can't handle it

I do feel bad but it's just too much. She also lives 1.5 hours away so it would mean bringing the DC here

AIBU?

I help my sister with childcare for more than one day a week. In fact it's most day of the week, and even this weekend.

But how on earth do you fit that in around work and other commitments

You don’t want to @reesep. That’s enough reason to say no.

To quote the oft used MN mantra: You’ve had your turn.

@tenbo
People replying with YNBU are not being 'chilling', that is a positively hysterical response to women giving a realistic other side. Your rhetorical point about what happens when the mother gets older and needs help is irrelevant since she has already done her childrearing and the majority of older people will not accept help from their children as they wouldn't want to put on them, but that is not what is at question here. She is well within her rights to say no to whatever she is not comfortable with.

why would her other DC resent her for helping another DC with kids? so bizarre. Most of us at 10/15 had parents that worked full-time... we probably saw a lot less of them than OPs DC yet most people dont grow up to resent their DP...

I guess I'd best count my lucky stars, I had no idea other parents are this selfish. I didn't even think my parents were particularly unique - most people I know's parents help them out if able.

This one night a month thing isn't the issue. It's the 3 years of university and training after that that is the problem. Who is going to look after the children then? The daughter will really struggle to find anyone to look after a child who needs 2:1 care during the day, never mind weekends and evenings/nights. Figuring it out on the fly is incredibly risky. She could lose her place on the course. She needs a proper plan in place to make this work.

the majority of older people will not accept help from their children as they wouldn't want to put on them

Someone hasn’t read the elderly parents threads…

Oh believe me, they are. I am a lone parent, disabled and have a demanding full time job. I am on my knees but nobody in my family has even had my (primary aged) children for even half a day. They know how much I'm struggling and still they never offer any help. Some people really do behave like that.

OP I can't believe you think she's asking for is a big deal. It's once per month plus some ad hoc days in hols for goodness sake. I can't imagine not wanting to help a family member in such a difficult situation. It doesn't sound like the practicalities have been thought through but I get the distinct impression that is just an excuse and you wouldn't help anyway.

I think OP is getting a lot of unfair flack for this. Her DD will need to do 2300 hours of placement for her course. Her educators may allow some flexibility for being a single parent but that does not change the number of hours she will need to complete in order to qualify. If she has no alternative childcare available to her, and it all falls on OP, that is a lot of childcare when she still has 2 other children to parent. It takes a huge amount of work to become a nurse and single parenting is hard at the best of times. It’s commendable she wants to do it but everybody needs to be realistic. It would be awful for her to start the course and then have to drop out. Somebody else mentioned apprenticeship - that would be a brilliant opportunity if that came up.

I can't imagine not helping my own kids in this way.

What if you need support from your kids when you're elderly? What would you think of your daughter if she said she didn't want to?

I don't think my first and second paragraphs are related, by the way. I can't imagine not helping my kids whether or not they wanted to help me when I'm older.

Firstly there is no way it will be "one day a month". It isn't feasible for the dd to drive 6 hours a day bringing/collecting the dc, so she will ask you to have them overnight. This is likely to extend to long weekends in the school holidays.

As a carer myself, being realistic your dd is not going to be able to pursue nursing unless she has an excellent support system locally who are willing to take on the lions share of care when she's on placement. I had to give up work as my ds had prolonged time off school due to frequent illnesses. A child with complex care needs requires specialist provision, it's not a simple case of booking them into wraparound day care etc. A specialist carer can be £30 per hour, which often makes working cost prohibitive.

It also sounds like you always make her drive to you. Why don’t you go to her for once?

@Cuppasoupmonster ' someone'has actually and' someone' has personal experience of it too. But that is a whole other thread on that very same board. Best wishes

What a horrible attitude. Glad you don’t have kids, no one deserves a mum like that.

Then you’ll know how common it is for elderly parents to expect their adult kids to look after them in their old age.

Can't you be flexible and just offer a day on the weekend at least? If not the holidays.

@Cuppasoupmonster
Yes i have read those and commented on a few. Shall we agree then that people of all ages are varied and have varying levels of needs, wants and expectations and that the ops daughter will have to adjust hers in accordance with what help is available to her rather than expect her mother to help when she doesn't feel she can do it.

And how is this one day per month going to translate in real life? How is a student nurse then first year nurse, working shifts, plus being a single mum to a baby and child with additional needs who can’t cope in childcare, going to balance all that?

No.

And no WAY will it be ‘ad hoc’ in the holidays. It will be full time childcare.

Through hard work which I’m sure she’s used to with a SEN child. Perhaps she could ask a relative who doesn’t work and has plenty of time and wants to see her succeed… oh wait.

@Drifting

lol what makes u think I don’t?

All of this needs to be adressed before paying 10k a year to do a degree!!

It won't cost her a penny and she'll get plenty in maintenance loans/grants.

Many providers are inflexible with parents. However some universities do offer flexibility. And some post qualification roles can be fitted around child needs. OP's dd actually works in a related area, I'm sure she's aware of the reality.

It's a shame OP won't help and is effectively keeping her own dd on a lifetime of minimum wage jobs despite being sole carer for two children and probably in desperate need of a better paid role. But some parents aren't supportive 🤷‍♀️

So your daughter has a child with high SEN whom she can’t leave with even a childminder, whose father won’t take care of him, and you’re not prepared to give her the support she desperately needs in order to improve not only her life chances but that of her children too?
Poor woman!

Hard work doesn’t make everything work. She will need childcare for more than one day per month. How will ‘hard work’ enable her to work various shifts when she has no permanent and reliable care for her two small children?

Can I ask why you didn’t get the studying out of the way before deciding to start a family? Or was this more about already knowing you wouldn’t get any support post training?