AIBU not to help DD out with childcare?

[reesep]

DD has a son with special needs age 5, and a daughter age 1.

She has requested I look after them one day at a weekend, every month. She has also requested I do some daytime childcare during the school holidays

This is so she can get into nursing. She's desperate to be a nurse and has been accepted into a Healthcare Assistant role on bank, meaning she can pick shifts

AIBU not to provide such rigid help? It's too much of an expectation and I can't handle it

I do feel bad but it's just too much. She also lives 1.5 hours away so it would mean bringing the DC here

AIBU?

Well she would if her mum wasn’t so cold.

Why on earth do you think it's her responsibility to do a three hour round trip to do childcare for her daughter on top?

Her daughter said she'd drop off and collect.

yabu - if you are able you should help especially if she is going through a divorce!

No, she wouldn’t. One day a month isn’t enough to work full time as a nurse. Obviously.

Sounds to me like the ops mother sees her daughter through her step fathers eyes

detached and critical

op is there a second marriage for you? Your other kids are half siblings to her?

one day a month! One day a month!

he sounds jealous

This. I couldn’t stand by and do nothing to help my daughter.

The OPs one day a month will not in any way help her DD fulfill her dreams. The dd plans on driving for 6 hours on this day, so how many hours realistically will she be able to work?

Written like a reverse.

I don’t think 1 day a month is arduous. Holiday care is more tricky and I can understand why you don’t want to commit to that. The weekend though is a small ask IMO

Amen 🙏

Everyone claims they will fall head over heels to help…. Until it impacts on their lives and reality sets in

Am a bit stunned you won't help your own daughter by looking after your GC for what 20 odd days a YEAR so she can become a nurse. Very glad you're not my mum, remember you reap what you sow darling.

Because you said on a previous post not too long ago that you don’t.

10 and 15 are hardly young and I can’t understand how 1 day a month is rigid.

So many carers fall into poverty because they can't work due to having dc with complex care needs. Childcare when you have a child with disabilities is a whole different ball game. Unless the OP is willing to have her dgc full time the dd is not going to be able to do nursing. All of the posters saying this one day a month will make a difference don't have a clue.

Except some of us have done it/are doing it.

No she wouldn’t. There is no way realistically it would be one day a month. What about all the other days? Who has the kids then?

1.5 hours is the same as me going from my hometown to Birmingham and back. It’s 90 miles each way and that’s all motorway. Its ridiculous to suggest anyone doing a 3 hour round trip before and after a long shift.

It just wouldn’t work. As pp said, how would the DD get her son to school? And home? Transport will only drop off at the parents home address. If she’s starting work at 7, do you honestly think it’s feasible to drag the kids out at 4am to be driven to OP, DD drives back, does a full shift, then does the 3 hour round trip again? Come on!

I often read on here that “teenagers need you as much as ever, if not more”, yet here OP is being told that HER OWN school age children should be left to either fend for themselves or used as playmates for their niece and nephew . Funny that.

Nursing was my dream for over a decade. I won't forgive or forget in any great hurry.

Well hang on a minute, this was your choice to have the children when you had a dream of training to be a nurse, surely, so it was up to you and potentially their other parent to organise yourselves so that you had the childcare to do it if you didn't do it first. Or wait until they were older. I do firmly believe that while it is nice for grandparents to offer childcare, and many do, they are definitely not obliged to - what's to forgive or not forgive?

So no, OP is not unreasonable. It's very tying to agree to do childcare EVERY month and EVERY holiday when work and study are depending on it and it's worse if she says yes against her better judgement and then has to renege. And a 3 hour round trip for every weekend-day visit it a lot for a 5 year old with SN and a 1 year old and for whoever is doing the driving with long day with kids or at work so I bet it'd turn into a whole weekend very quickly. And whole weeks in the holidays.

This one day a month isn't part of her training. This is just work experience so she can apply to do nursing. She is going to need a lot more childcare if she gets on to the course.

Oh bless her. As her mum do you not feel the urge to give the poor woman a break. She's not even asking you to do it to give her a rest, it's to try and get a bit of a job. Poor lass. Her life is with these kids with high needs 24/7 and you won't even help her out once a month.

You keep going on about having young children yourself but I wouldn't class 10 and over as young. They are pretty self sufficient at that age.

It has got to be a reverse. Surely no mum could be so uncaring for her own child

Unless.... you or your younger children have extra needs. I think it's a bit stingy. 🤔

YANBU op, I think some of those on this thread saying they would do it without hesitating are not really taking on board the impact it would have on you and your younger children. It’s a huge commitment and I think it’s entirely understandable for you to say no.

So many carers fall into poverty because they can't work due to having dc with complex care needs.

Absolutely true and a scandal in our society, but it is still not on the OP to take on more childcare than she is happy and able to, especially if it seems an unrealistic set-up that won't work and even if it did would be expected to be a long term commitment across at least 4 years. And OP has other children to think about.

@Cuppasoupmonster Thought so.
Op has mothered her daughter and helped her through life and is still mothering her own children. Its not a you help me / i help you situation is it? Its more complicated than that entirely. Although it isn't complicated really is it? People have to adjust their expectations of others and get on with it if it doesnt go their way. Op is NBU and i hope she comes back to see the messages of support she has here too.

Helped her through life? Is she not still in it?!

I didn’t know you could stop being a mother?

I feel really sad for your daughter! You don’t have to do anything, but I’d like to think if my daughter ever wants to train and better herself and her life that I would move heaven and earth to help her! It’s an inconvenience to you but would be life changing for her! To not want to do that for your daughter must just mean you have a very poor relationship and you don’t care about her. That’s a real shame.