AIBU not to help DD out with childcare?

[reesep]

DD has a son with special needs age 5, and a daughter age 1.

She has requested I look after them one day at a weekend, every month. She has also requested I do some daytime childcare during the school holidays

This is so she can get into nursing. She's desperate to be a nurse and has been accepted into a Healthcare Assistant role on bank, meaning she can pick shifts

AIBU not to provide such rigid help? It's too much of an expectation and I can't handle it

I do feel bad but it's just too much. She also lives 1.5 hours away so it would mean bringing the DC here

AIBU?

YNBU. My mother didn't fancy rigid childcare when i asked many many years ago and i had to just get on with it. Now I'm the same age, i don't think I'd want to agree to looking after grandchildren on a rigid regular basis. It's our time now, we've done all our childrearing and maybe don't have the patience or health for it now. We can provide other types of help and advice if we wish to which is just as valuable.

@BryanAdamsLeftAnkle

good for you!

but u must see that not all mums would want to

Wouldn’t her hubby be around to help? It’s one day a month for fucks sake. Hardly life restricting. OP’s feeling guilty and wants us all to say YANBU when actually she is. I can’t imagine swanning about enjoying my life of non-working riley while my daughter struggles as a single mum to two kids, one of whom has challenging SEN. In fact I just thought about it now and it made me really, really sad.

@YellowTreeHouse

she doesn’t need an excuse though

she doesn’t have to do it

they are not her kids so

🤷‍♀️

How old are you and are you in good health? Is she going to bring the kids to you and pick them up?
If the answers to these are under 70, yes and yes then I think you're being unfair. It's really very little to ask.

All of these people calling OP selfish, how about offering solutions Instead of just slagging off?

The DD needs much more than the odd day she is proposing!!

A degree is expensive and you cannot just sign up to this without being sure you have the logistics worked out.

How will the child get home to meet his school transport in the morning when his mum started work at 7 and dropped him off at 5 in the morning to get to work?

How will he get from school transport ( dropped off at his home)to OP house after school?

Will the child cope with being dropped off with the OP at 5 in the morning and being collected at 9 when his mum is working a long day?

How will he get to school if he stays with OP overnight when she is working nights?

All of this needs to be adressed before paying 10k a year to do a degree!!

I don't get why people are being so mean. She doesn't want to do it! Why is that such a big deal.

I don’t know any mums that wouldn’t do it if they didn’t work. One day a month and some school holidays. It’s not much at all.

If OP isn’t working through choice then she isn’t short of a bob or two is she. So maybe she can stump up the cash to find a private carer to take her grandson that 1 day a month and just take the granddaughter? Or would that be ‘too rigid’ as well, spending literally 3% of your free time looking after her?

Is H DD's dad ? Can get dad help if not?

"There is no way she can be a nurse"

Your poor DD is doing her absolute best to create a secure life for her and her kids and this is what you're giving out in response? I really hope this is a reverse because this is so depressing otherwise

@Cuppasoupmonster

but why should she have to?
it’s not her problem to solve
her daughter is wanting to do something unfeasible

YABU. One day a month to help your daughter try and better her life and by extension, her children’s lives, and you’re refusing. I know they are her children, but she’s a single mother doing it all on her own and you can’t manage 12 days a year to help when you’re not even working yourself and you have another adult at home too. I feel sorry for your daughter.

I've only read a few pages of this thread but wanted to come and give you a big YANBU, I'm horrified at so many people calling you selfish, so short sighted. This ask of 1 day a month and a bit in the holidays would soon escalate and you'll be stuck. I'm not sure if you still work but even if you don't your other children are at a bit of a tricky age, they'll resent you not giving them your time even if it is for their niece & nephew. I'd never have asked this of my mum. I think your daughter needs to start leaning heavily on the kid's father - time for him to not become useless...and perhaps his parents could help out?

And put it in writing so she can quote it back at you when you need any sort of help in your old age

”other people’s wants don’t trump yours” isn’t remotely true in any sort of civil society

what a bunch of absolute sociopaths some of you are. It’s quite chilling to read some of these replies

A 10 and 15 year old arent young children. Your daughters trying to provide for her family. I'm baffled as fo why you wouldn't help

Just finished reading a thread about someone who doesnt want their parent to rely on them financially, and now another where a parent doesnt want their kid to rely on them.

I would do anything I could for my parent, same for my kids.

I really dont understand why people dont, but then when they are elderly cant understand why their kids dont want to know them.

Why bother having a family only to treat them like strangers? Or is there no difference?

One day on a weekend a month is not a lot even when you throw in some ad hoc school holiday days.

I help my sister with childcare for more than one day a week. In fact it's most day of the week, and even this weekend.

I just find so many of these replies so selfish.

I really don't think it's a lot to ask. You don't work, your children are in school and old enough to really not need actual care. It's one day a month and a bit during holidays. I mean I think that's a normal amount when she's not training.

I hope you won't expect anything from her when you're old and need help.

Also @reesep how old is your daughter
and geographically what area do you/dd live in, just ne nw se sw or Scotland or wales if youre in the uk, and you don't mind, keep it broad to not compromise safety etc.
i am fairly attuned with student support services
young parent services
and SEN services Nationally due to my work life previously
so if you'd like any stuff that might help dd become a nurse or just have a bit more support with divorce and sen life I'm happy to signpost if I can

Yanbu, its a huge amount and once you start it'll never stop.

I think you may need to set some definite boundaries re how often and for how long etc. I think it is very sad that you sound like you dont want to do it but I'm not convinced that that is what you are saying. I think you are suggesting that you are worried it will be too much for you and you are right to be concerned about protecting your own time and health. I would have a good chat with her and get down to the nitty gritty of what her real expectations/Hope's are for how much time she is asking for.

It is clear that you don't think at this ambition is feasible and you might be right. But I would not be the one to add another obstacle to my child's path. If she is offering to do all the driving, I'd say yes to one day per month and let her reach her own conclusion about whether it can work or not. In ten years, better she says she tried and failed than she didn't try because you pooh poohed it and wouldn't support her. I realise your gs is high needs but if your dd manages for 29 days per month couldn't you do one?