What to do with male neighbour

[Deemarie11]

I'm 30 l live alone in a small terraced house. I've been living here for one year. Next door to me lives a man in his late 50s. We have nothing in common. We would say hello the odd time but thats it. The houses don't open right onto the street. We have a very small front garden, walls and gate each.

My front garden is very small, it's not something you would sit in. So I am only ever in it to mow my small lawn, paint the small walls etc.

Any time that I am EVER in my front garden, my male neighbour will come over right to my walk, to talk to me.

Last time I was mowing my lawn, he came out of his house, came over to my walk and started talking to me about something.

Today, I was painting my small wall in my front garden. He came over right to my walk and said "hey! I'm expecting a package. Will you take it in. They said they'd leave it with a neighbour".

I didn't want to but I said yes even though I didnt want to, as I was nervous and trying to get him to go away. He will probably be over to me later looking for it, which causes more stress for me.

I'm starting to be nervous every time I go out in my front garden, I kind of dash in and out as I know he will be straight over. He is creeping me out. I literally cannot go in my garden and do one simple thing without him coming straight over. It's giving me anxiety. If I saw my female neighbour across the road doing gardening, I wouldn't go straight over , lean over her wall and start talking to her. I know I would be intruding on her privacy. He does it every single time. It's really giving me anxiety. I don't know what to do.

@Deemarie11 I am gobsmacked that the % of posters saying YABU is so high. YANBU at ALL, to be freaked out/bothered/pissed off/anxious/stressed etc, about a man a generation older making every effort under the sun to try to make contact with you and talk to you and engage with you.

Sadly, many woman HAVE been conditioned to be NICE and be KIND even if that means putting ourselves in uncomfortable and awkward and unpleasant situations. Fuck that for a game of soldiers!

You can bet a MAN would not be so friendly and chummy and pally if another man started chit-chatting and expecting him to engage in conversation every time he came outside! (OR if it was a woman trying to chat.) A man wouldn't do it, OR care about being polite, and engaging in conversation, if he he didn't want to. And he wouldn't be chastised by people for it for not 'being neighbourly' either. But wimmin must always be NICE and KIND!

Then again, a man very likely wouldn't START trying to engage in conversation with another man. (Not every time he saw him in the garden, deliberately going out to chat...) Some men I know - particularly 45+ have this habit of trying to be jovial and friendly with women - a LOT more than they do with other men. Even when they're with their wife sometimes.

I know a couple of men who get arsey when the women don't respond too, and just ignore them. Even going as far as saying 'miserable cow.' The entitlement of some men is utterly breathtaking, and they do NOT like women who don't kow-tow to them, and refuse to engage/don't smile/don't simper.

Just ignore the naysayers on here. You are perfectly within your rights to be narked off and stressed and upset about this. This man is not purely 'being neighbourly' because, as I said, he would not act the same towards a man. All you can do is grey rock/ignore/roll your eyes/sigh/ignore. You owe this man NOTHING. And he has no right to demand attention and conversation.

And as for taking in packages; just say NO as you don't like having responsibility for other peoples stuff. That's what I say. I NEVER take packages in for people, and don't have them taking them in for me. Indeed, I don't want them to take them in. Some people say taking in packages is 'neighbourly.' That's their opinion. In MY opinion, it can easily become a bloody nuisance, and people will start to take advantage/not bother picking packages up/blame you if something's broken etc etc etc.

Moving house may be an option, but as a pp said, what if there's another entitled sexist man (who thinks all young women should be friendly and chummy with them,) living next door again? As I say, just ignoring him is the only option really, even to the point of being hostile. Like I said before though, a MAN wouldn't give a shit about being hostile. As I said, you owe this man NOTHING.

I thank God I have DH living with me now, because when I lived alone in a flat in a big city some 3 decades ago, I got hassled constantly by men. Followed home from the bus stop, asked out (and called a cunt/slag/frigid bitch etc when I said no,) and generally badgered to fuck by men who would NOT take no for an answer.

I even took to getting a ring that looked like an engagement ring, and a band of gold, and pretending I was married. (To try and put them off.) And even THAT didn't put some men off. (Not a stealth brag, it genuinely happened, a LOT, and I reckon many women will tell the same tale.)

You have my sympathy. I hope it sorts itself out. Can't offer much advice, but I do feel for you and am on your side. The naysayers who are YABU-ing you have very likely never been constantly badgered by a misogynistic man inappropriately targeting a woman constantly, because he thinks he is allowed to because she's a woman and she should be NICE. Urgh!

Ooooooooooh
Thanks 😊

He sounds awful.

With regard to the package, bring it to him rather than opening the door to him. It gives you more control. If he tries to lure you in, you can say you left a pot on and have to get back or some such.

Don’t answer the door to him. Wait him out. There could be any reason for it - you’re on a work call, asleep, listening to loud music.

In the long term I would consider moving. It’s not worth the stress.

What 'behaviour '? He's talking to her. She doesn't like it but it's not illegal what on earth would the police do ?

Said the creepy man next door.

There’s a reason you instinctively are afraid of him. His creepy behavior and punishments confirm your uneasy feeling. He punished you because you weren’t ‘polite’ one time.

First, do not take in the package. You said yes only because he intimidated you so you are under no obligation to take it in. If the postman catches you outside and tries to give it to you, say that your neighbor is creepy and you want nothing to do with him. The postman will start automatically observing neighbor.

Second, call police and begin a harassment report to establish pattern.

Do not say a word to him. Because nothing you say will resolve the situation, it will just encourage him to keep on, and it could escalate.

3, If he asks about the pkg, ignore. Act as if he is not even there. He will have to ask the postman, who now knows he’s creepy, about his pkg.

4, Do you have family and friends that could come over in a group while he’s at home? They will go into your garden and look at him and his house. They can walk around. He will know that you have people on your side who know about him.

I had an older creepy neighbor always trying to talk to me. One time, it was Halloween and I was decorating my porch and was about to go back inside. He was next door and called out something like, ‘looks good. Can I come trick or treat?’

I looked him in the eyeballs and said NO YOU CANNOT. He never spoke to me or bothered me again 😂

5, In your case, because you’re afraid of him, I’d suggest moving if you can because he sounds unhinged.

' I don't meant to be rude but I don't fancy chatting today' and turn around and get on with your stuff. Every time

Over the years had a few neighbours like this
plain and simple there bored and lonely

skim read but don’t get the impression it’s sexually motivated

That's grotesque. I read your OP think YWBU to the point where I thought you might be trolling but I can completely empathise with the situation of the man who's "not doing anything untoward" but it is their obvious motivations and persistency which make it creepy and unbearable. And then it's hard to talk to people about it because on the surface it is like "well he just wants his parcel looked after!"

What I have done a few times which feels risky and passive is look visibly exasperated when I see them approaching. I'd say this only works about 30% of the time though because for people who are willing to do something like this, they are the type of people who are unperturbed or even comfortable with people reacting like this. I honestly don't know the answer as truthfully lots of these things in my life have only stopped when I've literally moved away from the situation (moved jobs for example). But then I'm a people pleaser so hopefully you can be more assertive.

@MysteryBelle What a strange post- all this because a neighbour made conversation?

@NoNonsenseinNorfolk Does the phrase 'tongue in cheek' mean anything to you?😂

Give OP your address, she can send him round to you for some company and your sweet smile. 🙄

OP
Sounds awful.

Have an informal chat with police and do a Claire's law on him.

The music for two weeks and your fear warrant that.

Get a video bell.

It should provide proof that he never allows you in your garden in peace.

Maybe he’s lonely. Does he have any family living with him?

Personally I’d probably feel sorry for him and I’d want to make sure he’s ok.

But if it is annoying you then I guess you can either be direct and tell him to stop talking to you. You could say it nicely e.g. “Look I want to say this nicely, but you are making me feel uncomfortable by always coming up and talking to me every-time you see me, I would appreciate it if you would please stop”

or, you could just do as a PP said and put your earphones in and pretend you don’t know he’s there and if he does talk to you, you could be dry and just say you don’t have time to talk right now and say you have to go. He’ll probably get the message eventually

How often do you actually need to be in the front garden, now that you've painted the wall and winter's coming? Isn't the reality that you'll hardly need to be there at all over the next few months, so the problem won't arise?

Though I must say, I'd be tempted to pop out occasionally, look as if I'm about to start some work out there, and then go back inside as soon as I heard this neighbour's door opening. With any luck he'd get bored with wasting his time.

I honestly don't know the answer as truthfully lots of these things in my life have only stopped when I've literally...
(I thought the end of your sentence was going to be:) '...had a BF living with me / gotten married'@Dreamwhisper
The OP's experience is really not unusual if you're a single woman. As soon as you're shacked up, it occurs a lot less if ever.
It's weird, isn't it?

I'd say "No offence but I don't want to chat right now".

I wouldn't say Sorry or Thanks or any of those platitudes. I think you need to be ready to say something short and direct that you can say as soon as he comes over.

The "right now" is both to soften it just a tad, and also because as he's a neighbour, you might one day have to knock on his door for a parcel or something unavoidable, so you might not want to burn bridges completely at this stage.

Second, call police and begin a harassment report to establish pattern.

Not a good idea. Telling the police you view your neighbour making conversation with you as harassment is not going to go down well. Sadly, there's a danger that the only pattern you establish is that they start to view you as a time-waster.

As OP said, what about being her next door neighbour exactly makes him less of a thread?

You are far, far more likely to be harmed by someone you know than someone you don't know. This information is important and shouldn't be waved away.

It's easy to look at the superficial elements of what's happening and dismiss it. But OP is explaining that he intimidates her, he always approaches her, and she feels he "punishes" her if she doesn't reciprocate his interest in her. She has much more insight to his behaviour, the atmosphere and all those other contextual things.

And there I was thinking MN is quite a humourless place these days... eye, splinter, beam of wood...guilty as charged🤐

But I guess MN is full of people who don't answer their front doors unless the person rang ahead so the replies shouldn't be surprising.

I had a neighbor opposit like this but MORE creepy (would ask who visiting men where, would comment on things I do in private, would follow me into town and would talk inappropriately about things like postitutes).

He was stalkery/peeping tom-y but harmless, it was the other male neighbor nextdoor that was trouble... drunk violant alpha male who would regularly threaten me, he made the creeper seem lovely.

Both have now moved though and been replaced by women who seem polite and normal.

Ah strangely I haven't seen much of that. I do get much less attention when actively with DP but when alone I find men of that ilk to act exactly the same, and if they are one off encounters, they have happened with my DC in tow

I don't know I give off some kind of single vibes at work but I have never found that even people knowing I have a partner/DC slowed down this stuff.

I'm making it sound like EVERY man I meet does this! That's definitely not the case I've worked with loads of decent guys.

threat, not thread!!