I’d like to start by saying I have always had a good relationship with my MIL. I have been with DP for 12 years. Now more recently it’s becoming a little tetchy.
DP and I have a 4 year old DD. We won’t be having anymore children.
DP is 1 of 7 children, growing up they didn’t have much money spare. MIL and FIL definitely done the best they could, but my (secret) opinion is that they were unable to provide for each child adequately - emotionally and financially. I would never ever say this to them, but based on my observations this is what I believe to be true. It was their choice to have that amount of children (and they were contemplating more) knowing that they were not very well off, therefore lived frugally and any luxuries were saved hard for. MIL stayed at home until the youngest was 10, so they lived off FIL low income only until she got a mw job.
Currently, DP and I live a comfy life. We are not rolling in it (though I appreciate compared to some we are very well off). I can’t help but feel like my MIL is constantly trying to push her struggle onto me.
examples:
- I LOVE holidays - it’s literally what I mainly work for. This year I’ve been on 6 and each time MIL has made a snarky comment about how I’ll be “skint” by the end of the year. Or “you must have money to burn” or “you should be happy with just one family holiday per year”. I’m not saying I wouldn’t be happy with one - but I’m fortunate enough to have more than one. And the tone in which these comments are made make them seem like subtle digs.
- If I buy an “expensive” cut of meat for dinner. Cue “tsk, wouldn’t catch me spending that. How ridiculous” “isn’t that silly” (usually to FIL or SIL)
- if I’m working 4 days per week instead of 3 (or god forbid a weekend) it’s “I need to learn to enjoy family life and be home for DD”
- I’ve hired a cleaner. My belief is that - if you can afford to - outsource what you can. It makes life easier and more enjoyable. Her response was “fancy hiring a bloody cleaner, just do it yourself we all had to get on with work and housework when our kids were little”
- We eat out/get takeaways regularly. It’s “cook your own meals, I don’t understand why people (looks at me) just can’t stand being at home these days.”
- Christmas/birthday gifts for dd are always said to be “too much”
- DD is spoiled and gets too much (she actually says this about other GC too so at least there’s that)
- I mentioned that I thinking of getting a holiday home and then eventually we would move abroad. It was all “oh but (DPs) Job… DP DP DP” little does she know that it’s actually me who’s the higher earner now - I told her this and she hasn’t spoken to men since. Not so much as a text when we normally keep in touch. But has since “done her research” and has told DP it would be amazing for his career (it could be, but it’s definitely not a given)
writing them down, the examples don’t seem that bad but I suppose it’s the tone in which they’re said. I just feel there’s always a “well I struggled and you don’t know you’re born” undertone to our conversations. I’m not taking away from the fact that yes she did struggle. But I don’t have to. And there’s no reward at the end of life for who’s grafted the hardest.
AIBU to just not want to share things with her going forward even though me keeping things to myself has upset her in the past? How would you handle it? What sort of response would you give?
thanks if you got this far!