MIL and her mentality

[Justnosing]

I’d like to start by saying I have always had a good relationship with my MIL. I have been with DP for 12 years. Now more recently it’s becoming a little tetchy.

DP and I have a 4 year old DD. We won’t be having anymore children.

DP is 1 of 7 children, growing up they didn’t have much money spare. MIL and FIL definitely done the best they could, but my (secret) opinion is that they were unable to provide for each child adequately - emotionally and financially. I would never ever say this to them, but based on my observations this is what I believe to be true. It was their choice to have that amount of children (and they were contemplating more) knowing that they were not very well off, therefore lived frugally and any luxuries were saved hard for. MIL stayed at home until the youngest was 10, so they lived off FIL low income only until she got a mw job.

Currently, DP and I live a comfy life. We are not rolling in it (though I appreciate compared to some we are very well off). I can’t help but feel like my MIL is constantly trying to push her struggle onto me.

examples:

• I LOVE holidays - it’s literally what I mainly work for. This year I’ve been on 6 and each time MIL has made a snarky comment about how I’ll be “skint” by the end of the year. Or “you must have money to burn” or “you should be happy with just one family holiday per year”. I’m not saying I wouldn’t be happy with one - but I’m fortunate enough to have more than one. And the tone in which these comments are made make them seem like subtle digs.

• If I buy an “expensive” cut of meat for dinner. Cue “tsk, wouldn’t catch me spending that. How ridiculous” “isn’t that silly” (usually to FIL or SIL)

• if I’m working 4 days per week instead of 3 (or god forbid a weekend) it’s “I need to learn to enjoy family life and be home for DD”

• I’ve hired a cleaner. My belief is that - if you can afford to - outsource what you can. It makes life easier and more enjoyable. Her response was “fancy hiring a bloody cleaner, just do it yourself we all had to get on with work and housework when our kids were little”

• We eat out/get takeaways regularly. It’s “cook your own meals, I don’t understand why people (looks at me) just can’t stand being at home these days.”

• Christmas/birthday gifts for dd are always said to be “too much”

• DD is spoiled and gets too much (she actually says this about other GC too so at least there’s that)

• I mentioned that I thinking of getting a holiday home and then eventually we would move abroad. It was all “oh but (DPs) Job… DP DP DP” little does she know that it’s actually me who’s the higher earner now - I told her this and she hasn’t spoken to men since. Not so much as a text when we normally keep in touch. But has since “done her research” and has told DP it would be amazing for his career (it could be, but it’s definitely not a given)

writing them down, the examples don’t seem that bad but I suppose it’s the tone in which they’re said. I just feel there’s always a “well I struggled and you don’t know you’re born” undertone to our conversations. I’m not taking away from the fact that yes she did struggle. But I don’t have to. And there’s no reward at the end of life for who’s grafted the hardest.

AIBU to just not want to share things with her going forward even though me keeping things to myself has upset her in the past? How would you handle it? What sort of response would you give?

thanks if you got this far!

Oh and when we moved into a new house, dream home the comments where ‘well, don’t think you’ll be here forever, you might loose your jobs and have to move - we did! And then loudly pointing out she thought there was damp (we’d had a survey and there wasn’t)

No, they DO sound that bad.
I'd be tempted to tell her straight to keep her opinions on your lifestyle/spending to herself. Or take them to your DP if she really must voice them.

I’ve hired a cleaner. My belief is that - if you can afford to - outsource what you can. It makes life easier and more enjoyable. Her response was “fancy hiring a bloody cleaner, just do it yourself we all had to get on with work and housework when our kids were little”
😂😂😂
Says the mother of 7 kids, who was a SAHM until the last one was 10 ...

How did you not laugh in her face OP?

Sorry, this jumped out at me as so ridiculous I would have had to tease her for it.
Which is one tactic of dealing with her constant sniping - but haven't RTFT yet so will catch up with what PP have advised first ...

I haven't seen or spoken to my MIL for about 7 years now.

Ever since DH & I got together (and it's nearly 20 years ago now) she was critical of everything - the house we bought together, the fact that it needed redecorating and a new kitchen (old and falling apart), my choice of paint for the house (jointly chosen, but my fault apparently), every meal I ever cooked for her was "disgusting" and "inedible". It wasn't, there was nothing wrong with it, she just hated me and had to say something hateful. She even spat food out onto her plate once.

She was critical of the way I chose to breast feed DD, told me I was not to have another baby. We did. So fuck you MIL.

She was critical of my family, and was rude to my late dad.

In essence, she's been mean and spiteful all the time. Probably doesn't even see why I have nothing to do with her. And apparently she was like that with DH's first wife, and her other DIL too. Some people are just unpleasant because they want to be, and yet can be utterly lovely to others, who then don't see what you see.

You sound very judgemental of your MIL tbh, sanctimonious. Not a good look, I’m afraid.
Also, regarding conversation right down to knowing the cut of meat? Come on. 🙄

My ILs are like this. They pride themselves on having made their kids work for everything - earn their own money - pushed for them to be career minded, do well in education etc.

So now their kids are living the lifestyle they wanted for them but now they seem to bemoan how their Grandchildren are being raised in big houses, going on nice holidays, have lots of toys, do things like horse-riding lessons etc.

I always sort of reach a point listening to them where I think - well what did you think was going to happen?

My thoughts exactly.

Not even my DH knows about my botox and who tells people about takeaways?!

On a serious note, you say you're not rolling in it yet seem to be spending a lot - 6 holidays, lavish presents, lots of meals out, botox, cleaner, "spoiling" DD etc - could she have legitimate concerns that yes you're earning well, but not saving as much as you should?

You or your husband are telling her far too much. Why does she need to know you've had Botox or have a cleaner? Why does she need to know which cuts of meat you're eating?

A lot of her comments are just downright ridiculous 😂.

I think I would just be outrageous back when she says things like that. "Oh you know me, I'm just so lazy. If we didn't eat out and have the cleaner, it's not me who would be doing everything, it's your son. As far as I'm concerned, a women's place is on the sofa with a glass of wine when she's not cruelly abandoning her children in search of filthy lucre. Women cooking/cleaning is so last century, don't you think?"

Ingrained sexism. A woman's job is to give birth as many children as possible, take care of them, expect men to be the financial provider and endure all the hardships that come with the aforementioned above. That's how she was raised, it was not fun and there was a lot of BS she had to endure. Now she's seeing her daughter in law having her cake and eating it too and she sounds resentful. I don't blame her because daughter in law's life is a reflection of what she did not have, it forces gran into some sort of introspection that maybe her life was a bit shitty and maybe she was fed a bunch of bollocks by the patriarchy and this narrative is not something she wants to face.

OP: your MIL sounds like a bit of a toxic influence and I really don't know what to recommend. As long as you're aware of what's going on and put some boundaries you should be fine. "Patience is a virtue" - William Shakespeare.

My ex MIL oldest once told me off for making her son do some housework at the weekend as "he'd been working hard all week and needs his rest" we worked at the same place, for the same number of hours! Some women were martyrs and expect every woman to be the same, just nod and smile politely when she starts and ignore her

Tell dh that things about you are private and if you want mil to know/critique it-you'll tell her

Just tell her things on a need to know basis. She doesn’t need to know about Botox, the cleaner, takeaways etc. Don’t give her ammunition.

Probably jealous and a bit bitter.

She is reacting to your over sharing. Your achievements Sind a little like stealth boasting to me

Why not be brutely honest and say 'We've chosen not to have more children than we can afford so we can all enjoy life'? Sometimes subtlety doesn't work, I recall my mother and MIL talking about th'olden days, my mother was saying how, when my father was in hospital after a major operation, she had had to go back to work even though we were both not yet in school. MIL's husband had died when she was in her early 40s but her reply to my mother was 'Oh, my husband wouldn't let me go out to work after we were married' and my mother looked embarrassed so I said 'Oh my Dad would never bully my Mum like that!', didn't go down well.

Smile, practise a platitude like Ohh that’s interesting. How times change for every time she pipes up
she’s had a radically different upbringing, and she will refer back to it pointedly to Make a dig

Yep.

My mother can hardly get her eyes back in her head after eye-rolling about our holidays/ take aways/ buying things for DD4. Is it a form of jealousy? I don't know.

But we're happy, and she seems always to be bitching about what other people are doing in a ''protest too much'' way, which just makes her look bitter.

I'd be chuffed if my DS and DIL went on 6 holidays a year and had a nice life. So long as they are not gathering massive debts, good on them for working hard and attaining good jobs. I'd take it as a reflection of my excellent parenting 😉

Simple: a "Do you think so?" with a tolerant smile and then not being drawn further should do it nicely (rinse and repeat for any attempts to prolong the discussion)

Only if she pushes it too far though ... after all she's entitled to her views, but not to impose them on you

I’ve got a similar situation but my MIL only has one child (my husband). She stopped working before he was born and went on benefits. She’s no longer with my FIL and the man she’s with doesn’t work either, they haven’t in 30 years through choice. They have very little money and make the same sort of comments when we go one family holiday for example. It’s as if the council have sent us on holiday the way she says it. ‘Ohhhh lucky yous!’ or ‘must be good!’. Yeah it actually is good because I’ve knocked my pan in for months to be able to pay for it so I’m going to treat my family to a holiday 🤔 It’s always said in such a snidey tone as if we’ve won a competition or something. They have no idea of the concept of work. I have a cleaner too but haven’t told her that as I know she’ll have some judgemental comment to make about that.

The two of them sit in their perfectly tidy house doing nothing all week so it really doesn’t need much cleaning at all whereas I have kids toys galore and a dog. I literally run from one task to the next but she’ll make a comment about stuff (toys) being out if she comes round. She’s extremely cheeky and nosey with the comments she makes and it’s always as if she’s sat at home before coming almost writing down what intrusive questions she can ask me 🙈 I’ve started just trying to be blunt back but DH won’t stand up to her at all

My MIL had similar views about the cleaner. My mother put her in her place. Gosh xxxx, did you bring your girls up to clean?

Whenever she has had a tut about something I've bought "I work full time and I'll buy what I want"

She no longer asks how much I have paid for things. Not since she uttered that £50 on a pair of cotton trousers was extravagant and before I,'d bitten my tongue I said "well better a bit of extravagance than a bit of frump"

She got over counting the food at mealtimes when she said "mine would have polished off all if that" and again in a mouth before brain moment I said "well perhaps there should have been more of it to begin with". Different circles to be fair, her four dc remembered being hungry - she put it in the bank rather than on the table. She was brought up poor and never got over the bitterness. Sounds like your DH has a much healthier attitude.

Exactly! I was thinking the same thing.

My eldest DD earns more than her partner and they're on the property ladder and between them enough to have a few little holidays a year. I had 3 DCs by the time i was her age and was frazzled we had to scrimp and save for our one holiday a year.

When she tells me about their life i think ''Go You! Enjoy!'' and ''well done the pair of you.'' I love to see them happy.

We genuinely have a laugh about the 5 of us all squished into our old car going to Dorset when she was little. Lovely memories. I don't regret any of my decisions and i'm fine that hers are different.

Maybe some people take it as a criticism?

You don't have to tell them everything whatever sort of family they are. Don't tell her so much she doesn't need to know what you or your DP earn or about your botox or if you work an extra day. You are feeding her the ammunition and then feeling upset when she uses it.

@Justnosing I think it's quite clear the sort of things she'll be sneery about. So I suggest not mentioning any of those things to save yourself the annoyance.