MIL and her mentality

[Justnosing]

I’d like to start by saying I have always had a good relationship with my MIL. I have been with DP for 12 years. Now more recently it’s becoming a little tetchy.

DP and I have a 4 year old DD. We won’t be having anymore children.

DP is 1 of 7 children, growing up they didn’t have much money spare. MIL and FIL definitely done the best they could, but my (secret) opinion is that they were unable to provide for each child adequately - emotionally and financially. I would never ever say this to them, but based on my observations this is what I believe to be true. It was their choice to have that amount of children (and they were contemplating more) knowing that they were not very well off, therefore lived frugally and any luxuries were saved hard for. MIL stayed at home until the youngest was 10, so they lived off FIL low income only until she got a mw job.

Currently, DP and I live a comfy life. We are not rolling in it (though I appreciate compared to some we are very well off). I can’t help but feel like my MIL is constantly trying to push her struggle onto me.

examples:

• I LOVE holidays - it’s literally what I mainly work for. This year I’ve been on 6 and each time MIL has made a snarky comment about how I’ll be “skint” by the end of the year. Or “you must have money to burn” or “you should be happy with just one family holiday per year”. I’m not saying I wouldn’t be happy with one - but I’m fortunate enough to have more than one. And the tone in which these comments are made make them seem like subtle digs.

• If I buy an “expensive” cut of meat for dinner. Cue “tsk, wouldn’t catch me spending that. How ridiculous” “isn’t that silly” (usually to FIL or SIL)

• if I’m working 4 days per week instead of 3 (or god forbid a weekend) it’s “I need to learn to enjoy family life and be home for DD”

• I’ve hired a cleaner. My belief is that - if you can afford to - outsource what you can. It makes life easier and more enjoyable. Her response was “fancy hiring a bloody cleaner, just do it yourself we all had to get on with work and housework when our kids were little”

• We eat out/get takeaways regularly. It’s “cook your own meals, I don’t understand why people (looks at me) just can’t stand being at home these days.”

• Christmas/birthday gifts for dd are always said to be “too much”

• DD is spoiled and gets too much (she actually says this about other GC too so at least there’s that)

• I mentioned that I thinking of getting a holiday home and then eventually we would move abroad. It was all “oh but (DPs) Job… DP DP DP” little does she know that it’s actually me who’s the higher earner now - I told her this and she hasn’t spoken to men since. Not so much as a text when we normally keep in touch. But has since “done her research” and has told DP it would be amazing for his career (it could be, but it’s definitely not a given)

writing them down, the examples don’t seem that bad but I suppose it’s the tone in which they’re said. I just feel there’s always a “well I struggled and you don’t know you’re born” undertone to our conversations. I’m not taking away from the fact that yes she did struggle. But I don’t have to. And there’s no reward at the end of life for who’s grafted the hardest.

AIBU to just not want to share things with her going forward even though me keeping things to myself has upset her in the past? How would you handle it? What sort of response would you give?

thanks if you got this far!

'and for those mentioning the Botox, they’re very much a family where everyone knows everything about each other. Your business is everyone’s business kind of thing'

You don't have to get involved in this dynamic. They only know your business if you share it with them

agree with the others - stop telling her stuff! it sounds like the overshare is rife. I hardly speak to my MIL, I let DH do it all, I am civil but only tell her things on a 'need to know' basis.

I can see why this would be really irritating. My view is that everyone generally makes what they believe to be the best choices for them, according to their beliefs. Sometimes people find it hard to understand other people's choices though, because they are imagining themselves in this situation, rather than the other person. Your MIL is blatantly doing this, however, don't run the risk of also doing the same yourself, by defending your choices by criticising hers. As others have said, stick to a one line conversation stopper which says we are all different, and maybe ask husband to not let on person info, Botox for instance😆

Smile and wave. Keep the small talk going and establish boundaries on what you share with her. Information is now on a need to know basis.

Mumsnet is a surprising window into a world in which some women - I hate to discriminate on sexist grounds but IME and from my observations online it is mostly women - take other women's decisions to live differently from them as a personal affront. My MiL simply couldn't compute my decision to breastfeed as my own mother did, and as to my methods of instinctive parenting as opposed to strict routines, much less than disapproving of these choices she simply couldn't compute them. It was as if I came from another planet. But whilst we have our differences, at least she has more sense than to voice these feelings openly. That's a thing I appreciate and am willing to reciprocate.

As for disapproval of other women's life choices, I've also noticed that in some cases, older generations apparently believe younger generations should somehow do penance their lives (on the surface) appear easier, less restrictive, and more comfortable than their mothers' and grandmothers' lives before them.

'You should have things harder because I had them harder' is a crazy, dog-in-the-manger argument. Those women either took the decision, or bowed to social pressure, to live their lives the way they did. Now other women are exercising the same privilege.

The only answer is to curtail your confidences and perfect the art of grey rock. It's the kindest approach, as it's the one most likely to sustain the relationship rather than it all building up and the pressure-steamer lid bursting off one day.

A family of 9 is always going to be less well off financially than a family of 3, whatever generation we are talking about. It's not rocket science. You could politely point that out @Justnosing.

But as PP have said, I'd reduce the amount of information you give her, and ask DH to do the same. He can tell her what he likes about his job/health/DC etc but to leave you out of it. Obviously she will hear about any holidays you take, but why don't you tell her what you have told us, that it's what you work so hard for.

Don’t share as much with her and go for a broken record of something like “we all make different choices in life”.

Definitely tell her less. My MIL is very judgy about everything and everyone. The things she tells me about her acquaintances are so personal (I do say gosh I'm not sure they'd want me to know that, but it doesn't stop her).

So we don't tell her anything. She doesn't know about holidays if it's just a city break, doesn't know how much we earn, nor that we had IVF or that I had a C-section as she would have strongly disapproved. I sure as hell wouldn't be telling her about botox!
Though my mum guessed my auntie had had it done, but isn't judgy about it.

MIL delights in telling us how to bring up DC, it's all in one ear out the other.

Just because the family are content to share all their personal information, if you aren't then don't, and make sure your DH doesn't either.

Its a shame that she can't just be happy for her son and his family to be living a more affluent life than she did. But maybe, on the flip side, she thinks her kids turned out just fine as they were raised, and seeing all the money going on holidays and fancy presents for her grandkids she's worried that the values her kids grew up with won't be shared by her grand children. Or that her way now looks like it's not good enough in comparison. The world's a very different place for your DCs generation than it was for your MIL, I'd just take her comments with a pinch of salt and say that it's thanks to the sacrifices of your parents and your ILs, that you and DH have had the opportunities you've had to be successful. Maybe if she feels like she can take some credit she will be less defensive.

I am guilty of being a bit of a moaner about ILs sometimes, but FIL is in hospital and it's given me some major perspective. They are seeing their sons life change beyond recognition and its natural for them to have feelings about it. Just be patient with them and give them the credit for making DH who he is, even if you have to bite your tongue from time!

Just smile and say "well things were very different in the olden days MiL"

Ok, so his parents for having 7 children you didn't think they could afford - were they fed, watered, clothed and housed? Even in todays age, could have the same argument for other people with large broods.

Do you think you're better because you're only having 1 child, 6 holidays a year and money for botox - when they had no extra money for 'luxuries'?

I don't think her comments are bad. You both have different opinions on each others lives. How can someone make a comment on a lifestyle unless it's being spoken about or displayed?

This is excellent. I think she IS happy for us/him, but at the same time you are absolutely right I think she looks at thing from a values perspective. Which in turn gets her back up a little I think.

She has definitely said “well it never done them any harm” in the past. The truth is that some things HAVE harmed them though - they all struggle with self esteem and confidence issues some are in therapy for it. And most have anxiety around finances.

I am from a low income family myself, whilst I wanted for nothing as a child I knew that money didn’t grow on trees. So I do ensure that DD is well mannered and grateful for all that she has.

^This.
Don't share anything you know will set her off again.

Of course I don’t think I’m better. Please see my last comment.

I agree with above - do you live next door?? because if not don’t tell her about cleaner, Botox, give them liver next time you cook for them - hard to disguise the hols but the rest keep quiet about.

She's rude, but she probably thinks of it as plain talking. She may also worry that even though your family is well-off now, you should be saving everything you can in case disaster strikes. Very helpful to let the youngsters know that there's cheaper meat available and some people clean their own houses! 😮

If she's directing this at you personally rather than at both you and your partner then I think your partner should consider telling her to reign it in, assuming she does it in front of him. Also I'd be a little worried that she's being dismissive of your decisions and choices in front of your daughter, who may be too young to pick up on much but won't always be. It's perfectly fine to say I never did or I wouldn't do x, but some of her comments are scoldy and even denigrating.

Another good point. She’s definitely a serial saver.

don’t worry, my DD is definitely… a strong little girl.. shall we say 😅 I think I may have even over done it with teaching her about boundaries 😂

and yes DP could tell her less definitely, it’s him that does the bloody jangling 🙄

Your last comment, that you wanted for nothing? In comparison to your inlaws who couldn't do that for their kids? Despite you both coming from low income families?

You may feel judged by your MIL. She may be judging you, but equally, whether your intention or not, there's plenty of judgement being cast at your MIL.

Stop sharing, then there'll be nothing for MIL to comment on.

Why are you telling her all of these things?

I was all those things, clothed (in other people's hand me downs which were obvious in a small community) fed (not the best food, no choice and if you didn't like the dinner there was no spare food to fill you up on) housed (yes but not decorated nicely or allowed to have anyone brought back to our house due to the condition it was in. My parents worked full time and we were latch key kids at a very young age. Today, social services would step in for that part alone. Back then, accepted that kids in the 70s did that sort of thing. Now you can't even walk home from school until year 6.

Did my parents want more for us? Absolutely. They never made a comment on what we spent because we worked hard for that money and that lifestyle.

OP Dh would overshare with his parents which led to criticism at times so he dialled it right back and refused to talk about anything of importance with them. He told them why too. He said you can never just be happy for me, you always have to make a negative comment. Luckily it worked when they could recognise their behaviour toward us. We ended up having a really good relationship with them, including them respecting our choices for our home and our family.

and yes DP could tell her less definitely, it’s him that does the bloody jangling

Then you have a DP problem and I'd make damn sure he knew, in absolutely crystal clear terms, that if he kept telling her your private information and business, your relationship would be at stake. I wouldn't accept this from a partner at all. We'd be over if he did this. You need to nip this in the bud right now. Then again I also would not be happy with him going over there 3 times a week, that is taking the absolute piss. Once a week or month maybe. He sounds like a co-dependent mummys boy who has more loyalty to his mum than you and spends more time with her and her toxicity than you and his child. Get rid of him if he won't grow up and shut his bloody mouth.

She sounds jealous and snidey.

My response to these type of remarks would be "Ok" 🙄or ignore them altogether. Grey rock basically.

@JennyNotFromTheBlock

you think he should go to his mums once a month?!

do you have kids? When they’re grown would you be happy with them only bothering with you once a month?

Completely different situation in terms of upbringing but my MIL is very similar in terms of my suspicion that she didn’t adequately provide emotionally for DH while growing up (another thread!). Whenever I say we are doing something, in terms of where we are going on holiday, what school we are sending DC to, what we are having for dinner, anything really is met with either. 1. A long story about what she did in a similar situation, with the subtle implication that she did it better, or thought of it first. 2. A passive little dig (as I interpret it) an example, I said our child would be in the room with us for 6 months as a baby. Met with a long rant about ‘how can you stand it? I moved xxxx into their room when they were 2 weeks old!. 3. Lots of unwarranted advice E.g I just mention about considering a school further away - oh you’ve got to consider x and x and x, I did this, blah blah.
written down it sounds small and like I’m being petty but it’s hard to explain over text and when it’s constant! Result is I don’t share info with her unless asked direct questions, and do a lot of nodding and smiling and ‘yes everything is fine’. Even innocuous statements like where we are going on holiday can get my back up now with all the advice 😂

@Justnosing

its your husbands fault

why is he telling her about your Botox when he knows full well she’ll disapprove ?