MIL and her mentality

[Justnosing]

I’d like to start by saying I have always had a good relationship with my MIL. I have been with DP for 12 years. Now more recently it’s becoming a little tetchy.

DP and I have a 4 year old DD. We won’t be having anymore children.

DP is 1 of 7 children, growing up they didn’t have much money spare. MIL and FIL definitely done the best they could, but my (secret) opinion is that they were unable to provide for each child adequately - emotionally and financially. I would never ever say this to them, but based on my observations this is what I believe to be true. It was their choice to have that amount of children (and they were contemplating more) knowing that they were not very well off, therefore lived frugally and any luxuries were saved hard for. MIL stayed at home until the youngest was 10, so they lived off FIL low income only until she got a mw job.

Currently, DP and I live a comfy life. We are not rolling in it (though I appreciate compared to some we are very well off). I can’t help but feel like my MIL is constantly trying to push her struggle onto me.

examples:

• I LOVE holidays - it’s literally what I mainly work for. This year I’ve been on 6 and each time MIL has made a snarky comment about how I’ll be “skint” by the end of the year. Or “you must have money to burn” or “you should be happy with just one family holiday per year”. I’m not saying I wouldn’t be happy with one - but I’m fortunate enough to have more than one. And the tone in which these comments are made make them seem like subtle digs.

• If I buy an “expensive” cut of meat for dinner. Cue “tsk, wouldn’t catch me spending that. How ridiculous” “isn’t that silly” (usually to FIL or SIL)

• if I’m working 4 days per week instead of 3 (or god forbid a weekend) it’s “I need to learn to enjoy family life and be home for DD”

• I’ve hired a cleaner. My belief is that - if you can afford to - outsource what you can. It makes life easier and more enjoyable. Her response was “fancy hiring a bloody cleaner, just do it yourself we all had to get on with work and housework when our kids were little”

• We eat out/get takeaways regularly. It’s “cook your own meals, I don’t understand why people (looks at me) just can’t stand being at home these days.”

• Christmas/birthday gifts for dd are always said to be “too much”

• DD is spoiled and gets too much (she actually says this about other GC too so at least there’s that)

• I mentioned that I thinking of getting a holiday home and then eventually we would move abroad. It was all “oh but (DPs) Job… DP DP DP” little does she know that it’s actually me who’s the higher earner now - I told her this and she hasn’t spoken to men since. Not so much as a text when we normally keep in touch. But has since “done her research” and has told DP it would be amazing for his career (it could be, but it’s definitely not a given)

writing them down, the examples don’t seem that bad but I suppose it’s the tone in which they’re said. I just feel there’s always a “well I struggled and you don’t know you’re born” undertone to our conversations. I’m not taking away from the fact that yes she did struggle. But I don’t have to. And there’s no reward at the end of life for who’s grafted the hardest.

AIBU to just not want to share things with her going forward even though me keeping things to myself has upset her in the past? How would you handle it? What sort of response would you give?

thanks if you got this far!

She can't comment on what she doesn't know. Why are you giving her all this detail about your lives?

Some people have a way of extracting information from you/about you, one way or another. Even if OP stopped telling her MIL things directly, she will still find out, if they’re a close family generally.

My MIL is like this. Constantly commenting on decisions we've made and implying it's somehow deeply virtuous not to have enough money. It does get on my nerves. But I doubt she's going to change now.

Just tell her, and importantly dh tell her that's this is just not on, it's upsetting and times have changed, just be happy for us. And tell her less stuff!

My MIL is worse. I just ignore and say 'I know, we're so lucky that we have these choices' and leave it at that.

You're happy with your lot, she isn't, and it's a shame. Maybe try and help her overcome this. I often say to my MIL 'you did what you could, I'm also doing what I can and making the most of the opportunities that come my way'. Just change the subject and focus on the positives. She'll soon feel a little churlish.

also takes great issue with me having botox because I should learn to “grow old gracefully” 😂 that’s always a big telling off.

You are a massive oversharer. Are you doing it to wind her up?

It doesn't matter what they share among themselves, you are the son's wife so there's a different dynamic there, especially given that she disapproves of your lifestyle and you don't seem to complimentary about her life choices.

She's jealous and bitter. You sound lovely and your life sounds great, enjoy it and ignore her snippy comments as best you can !

I agree with you.

A friend had a much longed for child, after years of disappointment, her only one, 12 years ago, and she had some professional photos, that were gorgeous, taken when the baby was just turning one.

Her MIL made a sarky comment about the ridiculous expense that got back to her.

It was the second comment, the first was a remark about an expensive outfit she had bought for the photos.

She refused her a copy of the photos.

She also refused to add her to FB.

She told her husband she could care less if she was upset, she should keep her remarks to herself, and if he wanted to continue to be happily married he wouldn't mention her again to him.

They see each other at family events and she is polite but actively avoids her.

Just because you are a parent, it does not mean that the choices of your children and their spouses are open to your unasked for opinions.

The people I know whom have very good relations with inlaws, all keep their unasked for opinions to themselves.

Tinkly laugh "well, we're fortunate enough to earn decent money and we can afford it so it's no problem- it's a shame you can't be happy for us!"
Every. Single. Time.

Mine is like this too, I get told off if the boys have new shoes “are they new shoes?” “they don’t need those” really annoying, I earn the money and it’s up to me how I spend it!
And also Christmas “I won’t bring the boys presents round on Xmas day, they have far too much so I’ll save it for another day” 🙄

She stopped speaking to you because she found out that you were the higher earner 😮She clearly has quite a misogynistic outlook. You are never going to get on as you have completely different values....You need to decide how you are going to handle it. How are you going to accept the difference and stop it from getting to you? You are never going to change her views, but you can change the impact on you. You could bring some humor to it (play MIL 'bingo' with her key phrases), you could grey rock (repeat a set of key phrases... on repeat) you could make sure you see less of her and you might need to do a bit of all of them.....

I used to get little snide comments about spending 'his' money if I bought something for myself which I only did vary rarely, (we, OH and I, used to argue, lightly, about my inability to spend on myself). Eventually I got fed up of her comments but waited until she said it in front of friends of hers when I said very clearly You do realise that I earn far more than he does and am in a much more senior role in my school? I don't think she understood the point.

She had 7 children? Yikes

I don't think either of you will ever understand each other's viewpoint. This is one for your partner to sort out as he's lived through both life experiences

My dh can sometimes get a bit like this. I just start humming the 'hovis advert tune' he now finds it funny and laughs. Not sure it would work on your MIL tho

My lovely mum sometimes behaves like this. We are lucky in that dh's wages now covers the mortgage, bills and expenses, mine goes on fun stuff for the kids, birthday presents trips away and home improvements. We haven't been abroad since 2015 but do a few trips in the UK a year. My mum believes these holidays are a waste of money as is me buying the kids more than one birthday present. I'm one of 4 but they chose to have us on one wage and it was low. She was a sahm and whilst my childhood was happy, always being at home or going to visit grandparents was as exciting as our life got. We had a clean home and freshly cooked meals but my mum never played with us, dad did. I enjoy doing stuff with my kids, I like going to softplay with them or classes and I have a bigger budget for presents so spend what I like. If I got a cleaner she'd be personally affronted but having two wages gives us more choice. She finds it hard when people don't follow the life pattern she did but I call her out on it.

You need to call her out on it each and every time. 'Mil I don't appreciate that or we can't all live like you did, I don't want judgement on how I live my life etc'. Repeat,repeat, repeat, she will get the message eventually.

So ageist insults are the answer? How intelligent. Well done you. 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

My Mum does this, only to the women in the family...me, SiL and my niece, never to my brother, husband or son. She gets particularly perturbed when any of us spends money on hair/nails/beautician and to her it is not only a shocking waste of money, it is also vain and shallow.
She was very short of cash when we were young, no new clothes for years, very few outings or holidays and just can't understand how people can waste money on such unnecessary luxuries.
I just tell her times have changed, and expectations are different now. She doesn't mean to be unpleasant, she just genuinely doesn't get it.

Maybe just be blunt and say she should have kept her legs shut and then she would have had more holidays.

Again, I think you need to take some responsibility. Stop telling her stuff. I wouldn't even tell my DH I had Botox let alone my MIL. She doesn't have to know you have a cleaner and she doesn't know you are THINKING about a holiday home.

Why are you telling her the price of the meat you are serving? If she asks say 'Nothing, I found it'. Refuse to tell her the price of anything on account of it being 'vulgar' to talk about money. She won't like it but you get to draw a line.

I do think you need to be honest with yourself, if you telling her all your business, means the whole family knows - is this a form of quiet bragging?

1. Stop oversharing.
2. Stop oversharing.
3. Stop oversharing.

The OP isn't the one doing the oversharing - its her "D"H spilling his guts on his frequent visits to his mother.

But it was the OP who corrected MIL by telling her she earns more than DH.

If the in laws have come for dinner - is it the DH telling his mother how much the meat has cost before she arrives?

And DH telling his mother about the wife's Botox! Really? Unless he is moaning about his wife but then she has another problem.

I deal with mine by saying in a very neutral way ‘Thanks for mentioning that, Vera. I really value your opinion.’ Every single time. Then I go and do whatever the fuck I want.

I had a barney with my dad in the spring over the cost of my new car. He thought it was a ludicrous amount of money to spend. I went toe to toe with him, pointing out I don't smoke, rarely drink, I don't go out every weekend, I don't do takeaways. It's my money, I can afford it & this is how I'll spend it. He shut up & hasn't brought it up since. Stick to your guns & ignore the jibes. Or put her back in her box like I did 😆

I deal with mine by saying in a very neutral way ‘Thanks for mentioning that, Vera. I really value your opinion.’ Every single time. Then I go and do whatever the fuck I want.

That is the way to deal with it.

I do something similar. I look like I am actively listening and give it a bit of "hmm, OK, really" etc. and I do not deviate from my own plotted course. My MIL is really not a very nice person, so I do not respect her opinion TBH.