MIL and her mentality

[Justnosing]

I’d like to start by saying I have always had a good relationship with my MIL. I have been with DP for 12 years. Now more recently it’s becoming a little tetchy.

DP and I have a 4 year old DD. We won’t be having anymore children.

DP is 1 of 7 children, growing up they didn’t have much money spare. MIL and FIL definitely done the best they could, but my (secret) opinion is that they were unable to provide for each child adequately - emotionally and financially. I would never ever say this to them, but based on my observations this is what I believe to be true. It was their choice to have that amount of children (and they were contemplating more) knowing that they were not very well off, therefore lived frugally and any luxuries were saved hard for. MIL stayed at home until the youngest was 10, so they lived off FIL low income only until she got a mw job.

Currently, DP and I live a comfy life. We are not rolling in it (though I appreciate compared to some we are very well off). I can’t help but feel like my MIL is constantly trying to push her struggle onto me.

examples:

• I LOVE holidays - it’s literally what I mainly work for. This year I’ve been on 6 and each time MIL has made a snarky comment about how I’ll be “skint” by the end of the year. Or “you must have money to burn” or “you should be happy with just one family holiday per year”. I’m not saying I wouldn’t be happy with one - but I’m fortunate enough to have more than one. And the tone in which these comments are made make them seem like subtle digs.

• If I buy an “expensive” cut of meat for dinner. Cue “tsk, wouldn’t catch me spending that. How ridiculous” “isn’t that silly” (usually to FIL or SIL)

• if I’m working 4 days per week instead of 3 (or god forbid a weekend) it’s “I need to learn to enjoy family life and be home for DD”

• I’ve hired a cleaner. My belief is that - if you can afford to - outsource what you can. It makes life easier and more enjoyable. Her response was “fancy hiring a bloody cleaner, just do it yourself we all had to get on with work and housework when our kids were little”

• We eat out/get takeaways regularly. It’s “cook your own meals, I don’t understand why people (looks at me) just can’t stand being at home these days.”

• Christmas/birthday gifts for dd are always said to be “too much”

• DD is spoiled and gets too much (she actually says this about other GC too so at least there’s that)

• I mentioned that I thinking of getting a holiday home and then eventually we would move abroad. It was all “oh but (DPs) Job… DP DP DP” little does she know that it’s actually me who’s the higher earner now - I told her this and she hasn’t spoken to men since. Not so much as a text when we normally keep in touch. But has since “done her research” and has told DP it would be amazing for his career (it could be, but it’s definitely not a given)

writing them down, the examples don’t seem that bad but I suppose it’s the tone in which they’re said. I just feel there’s always a “well I struggled and you don’t know you’re born” undertone to our conversations. I’m not taking away from the fact that yes she did struggle. But I don’t have to. And there’s no reward at the end of life for who’s grafted the hardest.

AIBU to just not want to share things with her going forward even though me keeping things to myself has upset her in the past? How would you handle it? What sort of response would you give?

thanks if you got this far!

Lean in to it: ‘you’re right, it’s great having a cleaner, I’m going to get another one/you’re right, it’s great having so many holidays, you’ve inspired me to book another one’

Your boyfriend needs to stop telling your private business to his relatives, there’s absolutely zero need for it, tell him to stop . Three times a week visits seem to be resulting in some mind numbingly dull conversations-meat cuts? Takeaways? He needs a little hobby other than blabbing to his mother.

To each their own I suppose.
We’re all different.
I’m going with my choice but thanks for the input.
Well done you, it wouldn’t work for me.
It won’t impact on you so no need to worry (kind smile).
Oh I’ve already decided.

etc

Stock polite ways of saying “fuck off and mind your own business”

People have far too much to say don't they.

Every time she has one of these digs at you I'd just say "do you mean me?" And let the room remain silent until she answers you. It will be awkward but more so for her and it she says "yes" just say "oh" and look a bit confused/upset. She will learn.

I also love being away. I don't drink every weekend, I don't have a brand new car, I don't take drugs or participate in any expensive hobbies but I like to be away. I always get "away again" "oh are you in the country" "how much leave do you get" or the ones who see I've been away on social media and mention nothing and then in the pub and when pissed up "oh seen you've been to ... xyz". Really annoys me I never say to people "oh do you really need that expensive car" "why don't do you downsize" "gosh, another child!!" We all spend our money different and that's fine but I don't comment.

I now just say "joys of having no kids" or "yeah it's because I haven't got one of them things that watch coco melon" or "you get the same leave as me!" Or "I could die tomorrow"

People are bitter and believe we should do what they do. Shite with that

She is right about the botox. You are teaching your little girl that she should be ashamed of the way she will look when she's older, and erase any traces of it by injecting poison into her face.

The first post nails it.

Share nothing - let her get limited updates from DP. And the ‘close-down’ phrase is crucial. ‘Oh, that’s interesting’. ‘Thanks for sharing your view’.

She made her life choices, she doesn’t get to make yours.

Op your situation reminds me to a scene of my childhood. My mom had just divorced my horrible narcissist of a father (who treated us horrible and continuously cheated on her), her own mother was totally against the divorce letting her know she should endure his cheating and was making the biggest mistake of her life, plus what would people think? A single mother with two children OMG! My gran had to endure a horrible marriage all her life, she just sucked it up and believed her daughter should do the same. My mum got divorced, went NC with gran and eventually found a great guy and after 25 years they are still very happily married. My gran is dead.

You do your thing and be happy.

Untrue.

She's teaching her child that if she wants to look nice there's nothing wrong with that. Should she also teach her not to buy nice clothes, have her hair done and apply nice makeup? It's all vanity and all costs money

“and for those mentioning the Botox, they’re very much a family where everyone knows everything about each other. Your business is everyone’s business kind of thing”

You don’t have to share anything like this. And your Do shouldn’t either. Waaaay too much sharing - of course she’s going to butt into everyone’s business if she knows everything. Stop feeding the info!

Why are you so enmeshed?

Stop giving her all this information.

Stop telling her your business.

Stop visiting her 3 times a week.

Send your partner off on his own.

She sounds like a miserable PITA, let her off.

Most people are glad for their children when they have a good life.

Jealousy of your childrens good life is really really UGLY.

See a LOT less of her.

Tell your partner that perhaps she'll have less to crib about if she sees a lot less of you.

So you're saying that if you have natural wrinkles you don't look nice? Noting that more women get it than men.

As others have said, some people take another person, especially a younger person, doing something differently from themselves as a criticism of themselves.

She sounds quite hurtful. I think it would be best to restrict the amount of information-sharing that you do, and to ask your DP to do the same.

If she makes comments on your holidays, spending, etc., simply say 'Yes, I know I am very lucky' or 'dd knows she is very lucky'. If it's on how much time you do or don't spend at home, that's harder to deal with, but you could say 'This is how I do things; I know not everyone does'. Or perhaps 'Right at the moment, after all those lockdowns, I find it a great privilege to spend time outside the house'. And then change the subject.

At any rate, try to avoid getting sucked into arguments about how you manage your own life. And resist any temptations to retaliate by criticizing her own choices, tempting as that may be.

You have to remember this comes from a defensive position - she knows she has been judged by society by having so many kids that they lived in poverty. She may have been happy with their choices, that the kids had a happy lives and don’t regret her and FILs choice to have all those additional siblings, but seeing her now adult dcs make very different life choices must give the impression they believe she and FIL were wrong.

by choosing a different lifestyle for their own kids does quietly look like a negative judgement. So she’s gently trying to push you to live more like the way they did - that way she can be more confident her dcs down think she made poor choices.

But knowing that doesn’t mean you have to give in to it, just don’t let it wind you up, be aware each time you tell her about your plans, it will feel like youve just judged her like she’s doing to you.

Id go with an agreement with DP to tell her a lot less about your life. She is incapable of happily sharing your news so don’t put her through the upset of knowing what you are doing.

My opinion for what it's worth is this. She is only commenting on what she is being told (either by you or your DH) about your lives so if she isn't being told, then she can't comment.
Start deflecting the conversation. Change it if necessary.

I would also think that your DH visiting his mother 3 times a week is a lot and I'd be trying to (as there are 7 siblings in this family) reducing that to a maximum of twice a week (which won't be a huge change to your DH) and I genuinely would cut it back over time to once a week or (best case scenario for being able to enforce boundaries) once a fortnight. That is a LOT more than most.

I would also think that your DH has to think of different topics to chat with his family about. Things that are involving you are now off limits. Imagine if you had a very personal medical procedure to go through - would you want every one of them to know the ins and outs of it? Probably not. Also think that they are likely to talk with their friends about things and your procedure might come up in conversation. Not ideal.

How is she knowing about the cleaner? The cuts of meat? Any of this other stuff??
Don't over share and slowly over time cut back on the number of visits per week. You don't have to accompany your DH every time. You have to start having a life around your family - i.e. your DH and your daughter.

She's right about the botox.

You sound just as judgemental of her as she does of you. Difference is you seem to be bragging.

Its not difficult, if you don't want her to comment on your business, don't tell her about your business. And that goes for you DP too.

These aren't achievements; they are lifestyle choices that OP has been fortunate enough to be able to make. I don't perceive any 'stealth boasting'. I agree about the oversharing, but it seems to be something that the ILs expect. The OP states that 'me keeping things to myself has upset her in the past'.

Nod and say "mm" and carry on doing what you're doing.

She sounds like a right pain.
You do need to stop sharing so much info - no need for her to know about botox.
DH is also a problem here - he should stop telling her personal details like the botox and how many days a week you work.
I'd cut down the number of visits to her too - DH can go on his own if he likes.
When you do see her use a standard response - many good examples on the thread already - and just use it over and over again.
Or just completely ignore her pronouncements.

I had similar with my ex's mother. Got so bad with her I had to go NC - that was bliss.
Absolutely nothing I did was right.

My Grandmother used to give one word answers to people. Fancy, really, exactly. DM said it used to wind people up no end. I favour, 'There's no pockets in shrouds' said with a smile

There's no pockets in shrouds such a good phrase. Mammy classic

My relationship with ILs is like this. Subtle digs. When we moved in to our first house she would critique everything "the floors will be lovely once they're sanded" and also similiar to your MIL commenting on the cost of things but only ever directed towards me never DP.. "I wouldn't spend that amount of money on that". When they spend loads of money on tat and crap that is cheap and wasteful and they hoard.

Because of this I maintain a lot of distance from them. No photos, no messages etc. No longer try to please her because she can't be pleased. It's the only way with people like this I think.

If one of my adult children was coming around three times a week to dish the dirt about their partner I'd have serious concerns about their relationship.

I would likely ask them if their partner was happy to share personal details about their life when they hadn't chosen to share them with me themselves.

She had a hard life - partly of her making but you do not know all the background - yet feel free to form your opinion of her alleged emotional and financial neglect. That is a fairly judgemental and arrogant place to be and will undoubtedly reflect in how you speak to her.

Tell her less and stop rubbing her nose in your largesse because that is how it comes across. Most parents want their DCS to have a better life than they had and that probably wakes up feelings of regret for her and she is not expressing herself well but you seem to enjoy lording it over her.

You'll be judging your daughter's lifestyle choices, and those of your grandkids, in 20, 30 and 40 years time. Don't be quite so smug and don't let your mother in law's comments upset you.

Stop sharing so much. It's not her business but you are making it her business.

Raise your child however you like, that's your business and your husbands business, but this "So I do ensure that DD is well mannered and grateful for all that she has." I wouldn't count on, if you have never known not having something then the fact that there are people in the world who don't have it so nice is an abstract concept.

There is no such thing as gratitude by proxy, only when you have personally been the person who didn't have it/ had to wait, wish and go without for something do you truly appreciate.
My Dad had a really poor upbringing, too many kids, too few resources, no central heating, tin bath come out in front of the fire once a week etc etc.... that didn't make me appreciate anything growing up knowing about it, it was never my life, my shower was never a luxury to me. You cannot gift a child gratitude.

I'm sure your child is lovely and possibly says the right things but if she doesn't take her life for granted then she is probably the first kid in the world who doesn't take their normal they've always known for granted.

You have to have a word with your dp tell him not to tell anyone your private information anymore

she cant make comments if she doesnt kniow everything can she