My retired mum has run out of money at 63!!!!!!

[Lilu1660]

I don't know where to turn to and not managed to tell my SO yet but my mum has told me that she and my dad have no savings left and cant pay their rent or bills this month or for the foreseeable.

My dad is in his mid 70s and works when he can plus has his state pension but my mum retired 10 years ago when she was 50 (she's quite a bit younger than my dad) and is now saying that they have spent all their nest egg. They don't have any assets as they lost their house years ago as they were on an interest only mortgage. They got to keep the market increase in the houses value when they sold so I assumed with that money plus my mum's two private pensions that she had figured out she had enough to retire. My dad has never been good with money and has never saved for his retirement but his plan was to keep working.

My dad has had a recent health scare and has been unable to work for a few months which lead to my mum calling me yesterday saying they have no money, cant pay their rent and they are now getting bank charges and could I take on some of the financial burden. I am an only child so have no siblings to help but I have two kids of my own, a mortgage that is due to double in a few months because of the rising interest rates and my outgoings are spiralling out of control with rising living costs...we are barely scraping by as it is...and its only due to get worse.

I suggested maybe she go back to work (she is totally fit and healthy) but she told me I was being 'cruel' and 'unhelpful' and she wishes she belonged to a community where children took care of their elderly parents. She has not answered my calls or texts since.
I don't understand what her long term plan is? I have a very strained relationship with my parents due to having endured a pretty poor childhood and we don't really talk or communicate very often so they have never been open with me about their finances or life plan.

My mum is my biggest worry. She is only 63! She could conceivably live until her 90s. I cant wrap my head around the fact that her retirement plan seems to have been constantly dipping in to dwindling savings whilst relying on a man in his mid 70s to pay the rent and bills. And now that he cant work, is her plan to now put that financial pressure on to me? Or worse, to come and live with us for the next 20-30 years? We don't have a good relationship so I cant see how she would ever have thought that would be her life plan.

I am now worried sick about how they are going to survive paying rent, spiralling bills etc but I don't feel its the right thing to do to help them. If I help this month what about next month? And next year? And the next 20 years?

If I were to help them in any way short / long term it would be a drop in the ocean compared to what they need to cover themselves every month (their rent alone is £2k a month) and would negatively impact my own financial safety and that of my children's. I feel utterly torn and lost and just cant believe their stupidity and not planning for / seeing this coming!

Is anyone else out there dealing with this?? Or does anyone have any advice at all xxxx

This is so not your problem. I know how complicated it gets with family but you really need to go hands off and suggest your mum investigates what options she has for benefits as well as looking at a cheaper rental. I have just rather reluctantly retired aged 59 for health reasons. I have done this only because my OH earns really well and tbh because of my health scare he significantly increased his insurances and we have a huge amount of collateral in our home. I can’t think of anything worse than dumping my issues on my kids.

My mum has made no provision for either retirement or care either and it drives me mad. She hasn't worked for years and seems to feel like she shouldn't have to. Her husband died last year and had ridiculous care bills to pay which wiped her out financially. She's been left with nothing and is a year or two away from her pension.
She's mentioned a couple of times to both me and my brother that she'll be able to move in with one of us when she's older. No chance - apart from the fact she gave us an horrible, abusive childhood, she'd be an absolute nightmare to be around.

I can't understand how she thought she'd be fine just living off her husband for the rest of her life. But there's no way she's living off me. I've worked very hard for years to be solvent (we don't have spare money to help her) and it annoys me she didn't do the same. The rest of the family have worked themselves into the ground but she just doesn't share the same work ethic as the rest of us. She claims benefits now and is comfortable financially (she lives frugally anyway).

OP, I don't know what the answer is, but you need to stay firm and tell her that you don't have any spare income to help her and that's your final say on the matter. There's nothing you can do to alter that and you can't solve her issues for her. If she needs to claim benefits she needs to do so quickly - it took weeks for my mum to get anything paid.

I'd tell her no f'ing way are you giving her a penny especially after the shameless emotional blackmail. She isn't elderly (by the sounds of it), she hasn't been savvy about money and has chosen to sit on her backside since age 50 knowing she has an older partner who's health could deteriorate at any time. It's her problem to fix. End of discussion

Stopping work at 50 has consequences.
I’d suggest they contact CAB for advice , then keep well out of it and protect yourself.

You need to think of your own kids. For her to want to put you and her grandkids in a bad situation is 'cruel'.

They need to downsize, look into benefits and no doubt she will be told she needs to go back to work.

I think her plan had always been to have you support her/them.

In reality, you can't afford to give them any money. I think going low contact is your best option here and the ability to grey rock.

Do the pensions not have any ability to take lump sum or early etc ?

£2K sounds like a lot for rent, but hard to tell if you don't know what house they are in and what area.

i would focus your support on practicalities like helping her update her CV so she can get a job, maybe suggesting some cheaper properties to rent, finding info re: the benefits they may be able to try and claim. You’re being helpful but on a very practical level to help them manage their situation. I wouldn’t enter into any conversation about you providing them with financial support/letting them move in with you.

Retiring at 50, I mean…??!?!?

Age Concern have a benefits calculator that will help them look up what they could claim. It is not going to be practical for you to help Citizens Advice are good and will also advise re housing. They will tell your Mum what she may not want to hear from you (that she has to get a job or move or whatever). She may be panicking herself - but if she won't answer your texts - there isn't a lot you can do. Don't feel the FOG - you are helping if you help her see what needs to happen next. I know you are worried. Can you talk to your Dad directly? Is he any more reasonable?

Hi hope you’re ok - I think your mum needs to look for a job or see if they can claim any benefits to help them. They can’t now solely rely on you especially when you have your own family to think about it isn’t fair. Hope you manage to get everything sorted x

I am 53
I am in my absolute prime workwise. Retiring would be a travesty right now!

My FIL retired at 55 as his pension was already at max value. I always thought it was a strange decision. But I love what I do....

Simple answer is she needs to get a job. 63 isn't even pension age, she can't sponge off you for 30 years!

You are right to not give them money. You could send links to age concern, benefits calculators, CAB. The solve is that she gets a job, they downsize financially across the board and they apply for benefits Inc older age benefits.

If she tries to guilt trip you eg "I thought you would look after the elderly" then I would say plainly "I cannot afford to fund you and keep a roof over my childrens heads. These benefits etc are society looking after people"

Ps : you reply directly to people by using the @ symbol then their username eg @Lilu1660

They will have to claim benefit. Your mum might have to get a job. Either way they will cope so don't let her drain your finances like they've drained their own.

Yikes, that's really rubbish. But it's actually pretty simple - they are adults and they need to take responsibility for their situation. It was their decisions that created it. This means her getting a job of some kind, checking if they are entitled to any benefits and moving somewhere much cheaper. Sounds like she will have a massive tantrum and try to blame/guilt-trip you - but really, if she decides to give you the cold shoulder, would that be such a bad thing? Saves you going no contact. You could say that you're not in a position to bail them out financially but that you're happy to help them look at options, move house etc. If she refuses then that's her choice. You can still have a relationship with your dad. Good luck!

I have been working since lm 15 and lm bored of it but l still work. She sounds entitled and lazy. I would not engage with her demands. She needs to get a job

Your mum is bone idle, entitled and living WAY beyond her means.

You don't owe her financial security, nobody does.

"Gosh mum, that sounds worrying! I have no idea what you should do. Go to the CAB or the benefits office. We're not going to be any help, we're barely getting by ourselves!"

Rinse and repeat. Honestly, learn the words and keep saying them.

She's not daft, she knew what she was doing and has assumed you would pick up the pieces. She's left herself with very few options and she's about to find out what they are.

Please, please prioritise yourself, your SO and your Dc in this. It's the only way to break the cycle.

She's being childish and manipulative.
It's good she isn't speaking to you anymore as you don't have to listen to her manipulation and guilt trips.

Others have given good advice on how to get benefits.

That's what they need to do and get rid of the expensive rental.
She needs to find some work of some type.

I wouldn't give them any money. Just send links to the resources and let them sort it themselves.

I don't believe that's true of all retirees at all, but in OP's case her DM certainly expects to.

They sound very irresponsible and it sounds like she's a bit lazy and wants you to bail them out. She should never have retired so early, and surely should have seen this coming. She needs to get a job.

Your Mum got herself into this and needs to get herself out. Your duty is to your kids; if you help out now she will keep coming back and you'll quickly find yourself unable to pay your own bills if you do. Your kids come first and any parent should understand that. 🤗

Have her previous pensions actually started paying out yet? I don't have a great grasp of knowledge about pensions but I know when my parents retired, they seemed to get a bit more money every few years when they reached the ages where different pensions paid out. Not much help at the moment though. Mine won't pay until I'm 67 (ha!) regardless of when I choose to retire.

Do the quote function where the 3 dots are next to the bookmark. It scrolls to the bottom of the screen and if you scroll up a bit you can see who you are replying to.

My own had this same idea that I would be providing for her financially. Lazy cow was still in her 40’s and telling me how we would be living. Laughed at her.

It’s also very liberating letting them know how shit they were as parents. Maybe they should have thought about their later years during your own childhood.

Enjoy the silent treatment whilst it lasts.

And 2 k a month rent 😂 no wonder they blew through any savings. She needs to work and/or claim benefits.

Your mum needs to take some kind of job - who retires at 50? They have to move to somewhere with cheaper rent (£2000 a month!!!) If your dad has a health condition preventing him from working, he will receive benefits. Then they can apply for any other benefits they might be eligible for. DON'T take it on yourself! You'll only a) compound their helplessness b) grow to hate them c) ruin yourself financially d) create mental health issues for yourself